School struggles and hurtful behaviour — I need real advice

[TryingMyBestDad]

Hi — I’m hoping for some advice about my 9-year-old son (Year 5), who is currently being assessed for ADHD, and we suspect he may also have dyspraxia.

He’s the youngest in his class (turns 10 in August) and really struggles with school — he says he hates it and has very little motivation to do work or engage. We’re trying to understand whether this is linked to his learning and development challenges rather than laziness, because it genuinely feels like he finds everyday expectations overwhelming.

We’re a blended family. I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and married for 5. Our home is stable and loving, with very little conflict. We moved into our long-term home last year in a rural area, and he has access to outdoor space and play areas. He’s not heavily into screens — just Netflix, no tablet or gaming addiction.

He lives with us full-time following a recent court order. He sees his mum every other weekend. She previously struggled with substance misuse, which led to both children being removed from her care, but she is now working on recovery. He also has a 2-year-old younger brother, and we’ve noticed some jealousy around attention.

One of our biggest concerns right now is his behaviour toward girls at school. He’s been calling girls in his class “fat” and saying unkind things. A parent contacted me because their daughter was very upset. I thanked them for raising it, but I’m honestly unsure how to properly address this with my son. Respect and kindness are values we model and teach at home, so this behaviour is worrying and confusing.

We want to support him properly — emotionally, socially, and academically — but we’re feeling a bit lost about where to start or how to handle these behaviours in a constructive way.

Has anyone experienced something similar with a child going through ADHD assessment or emotional adjustment? Any advice on supporting him, especially around empathy, school struggles, and respectful behaviour, would be really appreciated.

Sounds like he's had a rough time, poor lad. This is all just opinion based, but children need boundaries to feel safe and loved in my experience. He's in your care now so up to you to be really strong on these. There needs to be firm and consistent consequences at home for bad behaviour elsewhere in my experience. For what it's worth, it's not great he called a girl in school fat, but it's not the end of the world or even abnormal.

Some kids, boys particularly, just aren't wired to enjoy or thrive in a school environment, and labels like ADHD risk pathologising totally normal personality variation particularly of boys imo. Others might disagree. Can you lay off him a bit about needing to 'do well' in school and encourage him to find something he really does like? Maybe it's sports, maybe it's something else entirely. When he says he hates school you can remind him he gets to leave in a few short years. Not everyone loves learning in that format and that's fine.

You don’t know how to address an issue with your son calling girls fat? That’s surely pretty obvious, regardless of any neuro divergence. The first thing he does is apologises to the girl, unreservedly. You talk to him specifically about having respect for girls and explain why this in particular is a problem (ask your wife if you don’t understand) and you let him know this behaviour will not be tolerated in any way in the future.

The rest of it is about making sure his day is structured, be clear and consistent, short instructions rather than long drawn out conversations. A lot of people find visual aids like checklists or picture cards are useful. You need to be patient, and also make sure he is getting a whole load of exercise.

Thank you — I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I agree that boundaries and consistency are important, and we are trying to find the right balance between consequences and actually helping him learn from mistakes.
He’s recently started rugby once a week, which he does seem to enjoy, and we’re hoping that gives him a positive outlet. At home we’ve tried things like removing TV from his room, but honestly consequences don’t seem to affect him much, which is part of why we’re feeling a bit stuck. We don’t want to just punish — we want him to understand why certain behaviour isn’t okay and build empathy and respect.

The school situation is tricky because he genuinely struggles with motivation and engagement, but we also don’t want to excuse hurtful behaviour. We’re trying to be firm while still supporting him emotionally, especially given everything he’s been through in the past few years.

This is a really thoughtful and helpful response, particularly around boundaries.

Some kids need really clear cut rules. Respect and kindness can be subjective and have grey edges, especially if someone isn't treating you with respect themselves. For some kids, translating values into rules can really help.

So for example - you're not allowed to make comments about people's bodies or personal appearances. Not "even if they're nice comments" - because that can create grey areas. You're just not allowed to comment, even if it's true, even if you think it's nice. You can't comment on size, skin colour, hair colour, features. If you do, major consequences.

For a kid who's had so much upheaval, and so much change, some really clear rules and expectations could really help.

Hes only 9 and has had more upheaval in those yrs than many people will have in a life time.
We foster and kids can really struggle with the loss /change of parents, new house, new school? etc even when their home life seems steady and supportive to us.
Also certain educational needs can make school a really overwhelming place. One of our children had dyspraxia and even trying to write for a few minutes was difficult and painful and then if adding adhd into the mix, the thought processes required before the pen hits the paper can be just too much .
If he started a new school he may be finding it difficult to fit in. Lots of friendships will be strong and his behaviour could be hurt them before they hurt me
Is he being assessed by an occupational therapist? They will highlight issues such as body posture, fine and gross motor skills that may occur with dyspraxia and really shouldn't be overlooked.
I do have some books on emotions/behaviour which show 'its not their fault' and how its their body reacting to something around them. That its not practical choice they are making . Ill see if I can find the titles.

I appreciate your perspective — and I want to be clear that this isn’t something we’re ignoring or unsure how to address. We have spoken to him about it more than once, as this isn’t the first time he’s said unkind things to girls specifically. It’s something we’re genuinely concerned about because the pattern seems to be directed toward girls rather than boys, which worries us.

We’ve had conversations about respect, kindness and why those comments are hurtful. My wife and I have talked a lot about how to approach this, and we’re both trying to be consistent in reinforcing those values. The challenge is that when we speak to him, he often shuts down — he’ll just stare and doesn’t really engage, so it’s hard to know how much is landing.

We absolutely agree that apologies and clear expectations are important, and we’re working on structure and consistency at home. We’re still trying to figure out the best way to get through to him so he actually understands and internalises what we’re saying, rather than just hearing the words.

If you or others have suggestions for helping a child engage in those conversations — especially when they seem to switch off — I’d be glad to hear them.

Thank you — I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I agree that boundaries and consistency are important, and we are trying to find the right balance between consequences and actually helping him learn from mistakes.
He’s recently started rugby once a week, which he does seem to enjoy, and we’re hoping that gives him a positive outlet. At home we’ve tried things like removing TV from his room, but honestly consequences don’t seem to affect him much, which is part of why we’re feeling a bit stuck. We don’t want to just punish — we want him to understand why certain behaviour isn’t okay and build empathy and respect.

The school situation is tricky because he genuinely struggles with motivation and engagement, but we also don’t want to excuse hurtful behaviour. We’re trying to be firm while still supporting him emotionally, especially given everything he’s been through in the past few years.

It's great he's enjoying his rugby. I would see if you can really lean into that with him. Be enthusiastic about him, be there to cheer for him, take him to some adult men's games, things like that. I think that in itself will show him he is loved and cared for.

Yeah the consequences one is tough for some kids. My bother was a bit like this, including hating school and not liking the format and struggling to focus. In the end my parents resorted to bribes with him as it's the only thing that sort of worked. Although I'm not sure that is the best advice. You could try it eek

Thank you — this really resonated with me. When you put it like that, it does make me realise how much change he’s had to process at such a young age. From the outside our home life is steady and loving, but I know that doesn’t mean he isn’t carrying a lot internally.

School definitely seems overwhelming for him at times, especially anything that requires sustained focus like writing. That’s one of the reasons we’ve been exploring ADHD and possible dyspraxia — it feels like there’s more going on than simple reluctance. We haven’t had an occupational therapy assessment yet, but it’s something I’m going to look into because what you described sounds very relevant.

He hasn’t changed schools, but his class dynamic is quite unusual — there are around 30 children with roughly 25 girls and only 5 boys. I sometimes wonder if that imbalance adds to how he’s navigating friendships and social situations, especially as he seems to struggle more with interactions with girls.
I’d really appreciate any book recommendations you find — helping him understand his emotions and reactions in a way that doesn’t feel like blame sounds like exactly what we need. Thank you again for sharing your experience.

To jump in here - if there seems to be such a difference in numbers of girls and boys - is that he is particularly mean to the girls? Or is it that most kids around him are girls? Not to say that calling anyone fat is ok - but the gender issue might be less relevant here.

Just tell him 'We don't make rude remarks about other people. Not their body size, their personality, their clothes, the things they do or like.

Everyone is different with their own unique talents and characteristics. And being kind is the most important.

If you are nasty to people they won't want to play with you or be your friend. And grown ups who say nasty things to eachother can even get in trouble with the police.'

Maybe a bit dramatic that last bit but he needs to know it's not on.

That’s a fair question, and honestly I’m still trying to work out whether the class ratio is relevant or if I’m overthinking it. I don’t want to pin it on that — I’m just looking at the bigger picture and trying to spot patterns.

What concerns me more is that this isn’t limited to classmates. He seems to show less respect toward women generally, including his mum and my wife. Over the years he’s had several female teachers as well as male teachers, and we’ve noticed that he tends to push boundaries more and disengage when the teacher is female. With his current male teacher, that behaviour seems less pronounced.


I’m not claiming to understand why — I’m definitely not an expert — I’m just trying to look at this from different angles to figure out what might be going on and how best to support him. If the gender aspect turns out not to be the key issue, that’s useful to know too. I’m really open to other perspectives.

Thank you — I agree with the message behind what you’re saying, and we’ve had very similar conversations with him about kindness and respect. We’re clear that rude comments about anyone aren’t acceptable, and we try to explain why words can hurt and affect how others see and treat him.

The difficulty we’re finding isn’t knowing what to say — it’s getting him to really engage with the conversation. When we talk about it, he often shuts down or just stares, so it’s hard to tell what’s actually going in. We keep reinforcing the same message calmly and consistently, but it doesn’t always seem to stick in the moment.

We’ll keep at it, because we absolutely want him to understand empathy and consequences — we’re just trying to find the best way to reach him so it clicks rather than feeling like a lecture he tunes out.

So I cant comment on the family dynamics side of things but suspect this will be playing a part.

But I do have a son who is auadhd.
He crashed and burned in year five (after a couple of years of struggle.
Things we have learnt along the way that may or may not help you.

ADHD kids are often emotionally behind their peers by year 5 this is becoming more obvious to them and they struggle to make sense of it or feel left behind.
School is hard work for all.kids.but for an ADHD child this is more true. Children with ADHD often struggle with executive function this means everyday task require more energy for them so even by the time they have reached school they have used a lot of mental energy. Then they are in a class being asked to follow a uniform lesson at a uniform pace but that is hard. They can have trouble organising their thoughts for a piece of English for example but if you asked them.verbally for their ideas they would be fine. Now imagine doing that whilst following the general expectations of class. So sit still, sit quiet, name date etc... at the top of every page now add handwriting difficulties now your child is choosing to mask/ deal with their ADHD and focus harder on writing than a child without dyspraxia and remember all the steps of the task they are trying to complete. That is alot to manage and that's just one lesson.

Have school consulted and educational psychologist does you son have a support plan in place? For us understanding how our child. Learns has helped us and them it should also promote understanding in school. For example our son was getting in trouble for putting his head on the desk to listen rather than looking at the teacher. But he couldn't listen effectively when looking at the teacher because part of his ADHD means he is hyper aware of his surroundings so he was trying to sit still, (already been told off form fidgeting) trying to listen distracted by what's happening behind him, next to him, out of the window and in the corridor beyond the class door. The list went on but initially he could describe what was so over whelming about school just he didn't like it, it was.boring or to hard he felt he was.always wrong no matter what.
Style of teaching may not suit how they learn.as well. There aren't solutions.dor.allntheae.things but finding ng.out means your child.can be better supported

Emtions are big and rapid in ADHD they need help to navigate them consequences are needed at times but understanding how the situation arose is really important.
Have you asked your son calmly why they called someone fat? Explain you won't get cross.but you want to understand. They may have done it to fit in. They may have done it in response to a provocation (even if teaching staff didn't see that apart of the interaction your child may have felt it). Understanding the driver will help you help them.
I could give you examples but I think I have rambled enough.

Short summary

Your child will likely need more support with something's.for.longer than their peers.

The more you and they can work as a team.(The more you will be able.to help them.and the more they will learn to help themselves. The safer and more valued they feel the better they will do in all environments.

If you can, find a good educational psychologist who understands ND and get an assessment this will hopefully help with the learning side of things. Also talk to school about how they can support.

(Also read up on rejection sensitive dysphoria it can be much easier for a.ND person to feel not good enough).

Is he having any therapy? It sounds like he’s been through a lot.

On the jealously issue. Can you build in regular times where he gets 1:1 time with each parent?

I saw a statistic about the number of corrective/negative comments kids with ADHD hear every day. He might be having some self-esteem issues.

Visuals might be helpful in getting him to engage/understand the message. Look into Social Stories and Comic Strips. Agree about the probable low self esteem. I think therapy with someone experienced and knowledgeable about ND children is your best bet, especially as you're embarking on the assessment process. If you can afford it, find an occupational therapist to do a sensory integration assessment. That should give you and school more idea of what's going on for him and they will be able to recommend strategies and tools to help.

Many boys (and girls for that matter) do treat female teachers and female students worse than male ones.

it may or may not be related to his clearly difficult start in life.

you may be modelling respect etc but if he primarily lived with his mum before and this was not modelled or considered important there’s a lot of catching up to do.

you can’t make a kid engage with what is fundamentally a telling off. Just tell him off tell him it’s not ok and move on. The consequences work eventually.

Thank you again

Thank you again — this is helpful.

At the moment the school haven’t consulted an educational psychologist. He’s currently on a pathway/roadmap towards assessment and there are some working provisions in place, but it feels painfully slow. Our worry is that if we don’t get proper assessment and support in place before secondary school, he’s going to really struggle.

We have asked him calmly why he called her fat. He said that she called him something first, but earlier in the day — and that seems to be a recurring theme, that “someone else started it.” It’s hard because he does have a history of not always being truthful, so we don’t always know what’s accurate and what isn’t. That makes it difficult to unpick what’s genuinely happening socially.

We haven’t looked properly into rejection sensitive dysphoria or emotional regulation yet, but we will now — that’s something I hadn’t fully considered before.

Thank you for giving me more to think about.

He did have therapy about a year ago to try and help with things, but if I’m honest it didn’t seem to get very far. The therapist struggled to really get much from him, and he didn’t open up much at all.

We’re thinking we probably need to revisit therapy again, perhaps with someone different who might be a better fit for him now he’s a bit older.

Do you have recommendations on what type of therapy tends to work well for children like this — particularly if there are possible ADHD traits and difficulties with emotional regulation?

Visuals are something we probably haven’t used enough at home. I hadn’t looked into Social Stories or comic strip conversations before, but that sounds like it could suit him better than long verbal discussions, especially as he tends to shut down when we talk things through.

I agree that finding someone experienced with neurodivergent children feels important, particularly as we’re at the start of the assessment process. He did have some therapy about a year ago, but it didn’t really get very far, so I think we need to revisit it with someone who specialises more in ND.

We haven’t explored occupational therapy or sensory integration assessment yet, but that’s something I’m going to look into. If it helps both us and the school understand what’s going on underneath the behaviour, it would be worth it.
Thank you for pointing me in that direction.

Thank you — I appreciate your perspective.

I do think his early experiences may well play a part in some of what we’re seeing, and we’re very aware there may be catching up to do in certain areas. We try to consistently model respect at home, but I understand that modelling now doesn’t undo what may or may not have been absorbed earlier.

I also take your point about not overcomplicating things. We are clear and firm that certain behaviour isn’t acceptable, and we do put consequences in place. I suppose where I struggle is that I want him not just to comply, but to understand and internalise it — which is where the engagement piece feels important.

That said, you’re right that sometimes it does need to be simple and consistent rather than a long discussion.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.