To want to see friends without our children?

[ThePoisedHam]

I’m feeling a bit aggravated. NC just in case but Im feeling so annoyed I don’t care if she recognises me 😂

closest friend for over 20 years. Always seen each other very regular even when we lived thousands of miles apart. At least 3/4 holidays / city breaks a year. She was in the room when my first DD was born ( just for context on how close we were).

i have 3 children (5,3, 9 month), she has 2 (5 and 3). I work full time but condensed hours, she works one day a week. We both have husbands.

since our children were born I’ve never seen her without them. I understood when we were breastfeeding/ babies were small. We meet up at least once a month with children. It’s lonely, we go to soft play, zoo’s etc. always have a lush time!

she always makes excuses why we can’t even have a coffee alone. I’ve asked her and she says she’s love to meet up, misses a good chat (as we don’t really talk with 5 kids running around!) but is never free. I’ve told her she doesn’t seem interested but she is shocked when I say this!

I have other friends I go out with every now and again and she gets cross and upset when I do, guilt trips on how lonely she is, misses quality time alone, feels like she’s being replaced but won’t actually arrange or agree to anything.

she has childcare with her mum (was has them at any given opportunity ) and my husband has even offered if she hasn’t got any.

im Fed up and really confused?! Do I just leave it and ignore the guilt trips. Do I keep asking her for dates/ free time?

thanks xx

If she’s a close friend then you should be able to have an honest chat with her.

”X I really miss our time together just us two, it’s been so hard trying to have an adult convo with the kids around. We should have a mums day or night out. What do you think?”

You know her more than us, is she the sort of parent that struggles leaving her kids? Is her DH a good dad? Maybe she finds it hard leaving the kids with DH because he is useless. I would get to the bottom of it and have a chat before being angry with her.

I know how you feel, I love meeting up with my friends and our kids but I also enjoy our days or dinners out just us as adults.

I have other friends I go out with every now and again and she gets cross and upset when I do, guilt trips on how lonely she is, misses quality time alone, feels like she’s being replaced but won’t actually arrange or agree to anything.

I would instantly assume she’s worried about leaving the kids or has a crappy DH

Given that she has plenty of childcare available, it’s really on her to make this happen. Getting upset because you see other friends alone is ridiculous given how much support she has.

If she doesn’t leaves her children with her Mum or husband, fair enough. But she has no right to complain that you’re seeing other friends.

I’ve done this more than once and I get a fake shocked face with a ‘oh my gosh that never happened, of course I want to meet up’ and claims the cancelled days were just a poor coincidence and nothing personal. Her husband isn’t great and but she leaves them with him for Beauty appointments and random days in the week for work days.

I think I’m more worried he’s not happy with her seeing me. I can’t think of any other reason!

I’d guess it’s that the ages of your children align. I think it’s lovely and I’d normally say to talk to her but I think it’s that she wants her kids to be familiar/ grow up with yours which again I think is lovely

Message her tomorrow and say let’s do a girls night out. Are you free on x date. And see what happens.

To be honest I would say after this don’t make any more effort to do alone time with her because she isn’t being mutual back. If she gets funny with you for going out with other peopel, ignore her messages

Do I just leave it and ignore the guilt trips. Do I keep asking her for dates/ free time?

I wouldn’t ignore it. Next time she tries a guilt trip just be like “what you on about Emily, I text you two weeks ago asking if you fancied lunch this weekend and you said no, I always try and organise things with you!”

Try and book something with her but next time she guilt trips you, say that you have been trying to book time with her and as she hasn’t come through, you’ve spent the time elsewhere - probably ChatGPT that to make it sound better 🤣

I would arrange no ore meet u0ps with the children present until you get your adults only day.
If she asks you for the usual park/soft play option just say 'let's do just girls this time, et me know when you're free'.

I can't bear these women who are surgically attached to their offspring for no reason. We all need some down time.
And she has no right to be guilt tripping you when she is the obstacle.

OP, YANBU.

But actions speak louder than words. Your friend is sending you a very clear message. Whatever the reason might be, she doesn't want to leave her young children to socialise with you one-on-one.

However, there might some creative solutions you could deploy here. Could your husband watch your children one evening, while you go around to her place after her kids have gone to bed? That way, you and your friend could have a glass of wine (or a cup of tea, etc) and a proper adult catch-up, but she doesn't have to be apart from her kids.

Or what about a family day out? Bring your husbands and go someplace like a park or playground. The men could take the lead on wrangling the kids, while you and your friends stand on the sidelines watching, and have a decent chat.

Would either of those options work?