“Stop talking to me like one of your fucking patients”

[drmindful]

Ive always earned more than my dp, but live well below my means. I studied at uni, and worked hard in lower paid roles whilst training to get to where I am now. I’m by no means an exceptional earner, but I earn a decent wage and have saved money from not wasting it on pointless stuff. I only earn around £300 more than Dp, but always (used to) have money at the end of the month

When we were about to get married he started asking me to lend him £30/40 until he got paid. This was usually because he’d spent a lot of money on takeaways or gaming stuff. I didn’t see an issue with this and at first he gave it back.

Then there was talk of “our money” and so I felt that as a couple there’s no “paying back” money owed.

In the last year alone, I must’ve given him around £2000 to cover his costs per month. Some of this is given back, but most of it isn’t. This month his car (finance) doubled in payment because he’d missed it twice, and I had to pay it (£1300) as otherwise we’d have no car. And then it broke down, so I had to dip into my savings and pay another £400. So in the last 2 weeks I’ve had to spend £1700 on his car. It’s a necessity for work for him. I work on a ward and get the bus to and from work.

He has £20 for the rest of this month, and no savings. He pays £300 for a gym membership and I have zero idea what he’s spent the rest of his money on besides a new coat.

So today we went to see a house. We are living with his dad at the moment, as I care for him. His dad has now got live in carers and so we’re in a position to move out.

It’s been a lot at his dads, I’ve been up in the night looking after him (dementia), it’s a two bed bungalow and me, Dp and DS3.5 had to share a room. It’s caused a lot of issues.

The house would cost us £1900 per month in rent. Before we viewed he said this was doable for him. So £950 each plus bills.

The landlord said it’s ready to move into at the end of this month (before Dp payday). I said I’d use my salary this month to cover the rent and he’d pay his half back when he got paid.

He then said “I don’t know how much I’m getting paid”, “nothing is risk free” and he cannot guarantee that there’ll be months when unexpected payments come up.

I said that wasn’t good enough and he needed to prioritise his payments to the house, and if he couldn’t then we can’t sign for it.

He speed off, hit his hand on the steering wheel repeatedly, said I speak to him like “one of your fucking patients” and “you always talk down to me”. I tried to explain I needed security when using more of my savings to secure a home for us. He said “do you think I don’t always put our family first?”

I held it together until we got home and then said I needed to go for a little walk. He asked me to be back in 5 minutes as he was off to his friends house an hour drive away to take him to an event tonight. When I got back he said “I’ll have the money” and then left. He won’t be back until gone midnight. So I’m just sat here crying.

AIBU to feel reluctant to put down this deposit?

Bin him off. He is using you as a piggy bank.

I think that rather than working out how to get your money back or engineering some grand reveal where he realises how wrong he is, you should put your energy into thinking about why your standards are so low that you not only put up with this for years but also had a child with this person 🤷‍♀️ how did you get there?

I haven't RTFT, but... what a fool this man is.

He has a partner who works hard to bankroll his irresponsible lifestyle, and also looks after his poorly dad. And he can't even bring himself to make a decent show of politeness in order to keep her? He has to throw tantrums at her as well?

The guy had won the relationship lottery and then just kept on flushing his ticket until it finally went round the U-bend.

If you’re already arguing about money and feel you’re already bailing him out of situations even before you move in together then note it isn’t about to get any better. In fact, it’s about to get a whole lot worse.

He’s done very well out of you so far, money and free care for his Dad. But I’d leave it there before he takes so much more and makes you very miserable whilst he’s doing it.

Completely agree @Alackadaisical, what an idiot.

He clearly isn’t marriage material. That’s fine we all have our fun when we are younger and
make mistakes. Now you’re at the stage you want something serious and he clearly isn’t it. Do yourself a big favour and get shot of him before it’s too late and you end up missing out on your best years!!

Who is paying for his dad's live in carers?

If dad is very wealthy has he never had to think about budgeting. Is he expecting a large inheritance?

They have a child together. I think that ship has sailed

Social services?

if the dad does not have capital then social services will assess needs and provide care as necessary. I believe it’s 3 visits a day, if more is needed it’s a care home.

you aren’t denied care in this country if you can’t pay for it.

i believe if he owns his house (with no spouse or other permanent resident) any care will be ”on account” and billed to the estate. If he can afford to pay for live in carers there won’t be much left to inherit.

He isn’t struggling though is he? OP is paying for everything. He isn’t struggling at all.

Thats not how it works.

Pretty much everything in your post is incorrect given the OP says his dad has 'live in carers'.

Social services are absolutely not paying for live in care at home.

He’s got it so so cushy that the ungrateful sod has come to fully expect it - and feel entitled to - you topping up his salary to the tune of a grand or two so he can splash out. He’s reliant on it to the degree that he’s in an angry panic at the thought that he might have to actually budget and live according to how own earnings! Get rid of this leech - his reaction tells you all you need to know.

good for you.

I do think it's a bit of a coincidence that he managed to behave vaguely decently to you (albeit still scabbing off you financially) while you were doing him a massive favour by caring for his dad - but literally the minute carers are in place his mask slips and he's behaving like this.

You sound like such a kind person who is clearly successful, sensible, smart with money and hardworking, you deserve so much better.

Even paying £300 for a gym membership when you have a child is selfish, imho, unless you have a very high income, which he clearly doesn't.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This.

Are you listening to the replies OP? This man is NOT a good man. You need to ditch him but at the very least keep finances separate and STOP subsidising him. He is absolutely taking the piss. You know that though don’t you? Please say you can see that?

I’m rarely a “LTB” especially when there’s a young child involved but… where is this going?
He’s a drain on your resources, you and your son are clearly not his priority and he seems resentful that you’ve got your shit together while he’s still acting like a teenager borrowing money off his Mum.
If you can afford to, you’d be much better off separated.
Your son will not benefit from watching the dynamics of your relationship.

Just work out how much he is costing you

you say you earn 300 more a month but have been giving him 2000 a month. So he is ‘earning’ significantly more than you while contributing significantly less

you mention it’s a shared car but you don’t really use it. For the 1700 you have him you could have bought yourself a cheap little run around!!

He’s not going to pay you back. If he was going to, he would have done it by now.

Waiting for a day that’ll never come is just prolonging your unhappiness. Chalk the money he owes you up as the price of knowing he’s not a good partner, or father given he prioritises his own needs over his child’s need for a financially stable home.

Life is too short to waste time on people that don’t share your values or treat you with respect. Your DS is like a little sponge too so he’ll be seeing your DP’s behaviour and thinking this is what relationships are.