Do you also look for the good no matter the bad?

[Fortheloveofpizza]

I feel I need some perspective on this. My father, now reaching elderly years is in my opinion a bully. Growing up we towed the line under the threat of a slap (he gave my brother a black eye once) but was mainly cruel with words. I was regularly told I was ugly, stupid and a waste of space.

I was no contact for many years but my oldest sister always kept in touch. Over the years he has gradually became part of our life but I set clear boundaries. This mainly centred around financial stuff as I feel he uses money to gloss over crap behaviour. I feel boundaries are now being broken.

The last year I fee the previous behaviour is creeping back and I intend to go NC. A few examples were him making a mistake over a meet and rather than accept and move on I received a VM blaming me and the usual “f*ing” idiot comments. Even if I was in the wrong the reaction was cruel and excessive.

Now my oldest child declined a sleepover and has received a message telling him he a stupid little boy and a disappointment.

I accept he does lots of good. Taking them for a burger or football games. I don’t care about those things and would happily only see him at home. To me the nasty comments are abusive and I don’t want him around my kids anymore. My sister however thinks I should focus on the good stuff he does and accept no one is perfect.

Of course no one is perfect but the verbal comments to me are abuse. Particularly to a ten year old who is now terrified of him. He apparently told my 6 year old he was going to bust him when he was acting up. I didn’t know this till recently and gutted my child was spoke to like that. This was a phrase he used a lot to me as a child. I’ve made clear those type of words are not acceptable by me but clear I’m being ignored.

So, am I overthinking this and being an unreasonable to cut contact?

There's no way you should inflict this violent bully on your children. Whether or not you choose to have some low-key relationship with him yourself, he should not be allowed to terrorise your children. Surely that's obvious?

My mother insisted on having her vicious mother living with us, despite her making our lives hellish, out of some desire of daughterly duty. It left scars.

Im surprised you have anything to do with him

Nope I don't but I'm not the most forgiving person tbh. Upset me or anger me and I'm done with you.

It may seem obvious and my gut is agreeing. When you have been brought up like this it is hard to find perspective. This is all I have ever known. I feel brainwashed but then doubt myself and think he’s right and I’m unstable.

Your dad is a bully. It doesn't matter what nice things he does. He's using verbal abuse to you and your children and threatening physical violence.
No I wouldn't forgive this and I hope you go NC. I also hope your sister doesn't allow her children to be bullied by their granddad.

I would have nothing to do with anyone who spoke about my child that way.

'received a message telling him he a stupid little boy and a disappointment.'

You feel like this is normal but you know that it’s not. Don’t subject your kids to the negative that you suffered.

Leopards don’t change their spots, being nasty to you is one thing but being like that to your child is another. Both are totally unacceptable.

I’d be having a very direct, factual conversation to him face to face about his behaviour towards you and your child. Sometimes fronting up to a bully like this works and sometimes it doesn’t but I couldn’t let that pass without addressing it.

I disagree I think you do have perspective. it sounds like you know this is not normal behaviour, you’ve gone no contact before and you’ve called him abusive and a bully in your OP.
you’re not brainwashed, give yourself some credit. You are most likely just scared about cutting all ties as “it’s family”

You have kids now to think about and it is time to cut him off, he is toxic regardless of his relationship to you x

Taking the DCs for a burger or a football is a very low bar.

Your DCs do not deserve this man’s vile behaviour.

I am sorry to hear what you were exposed to.

YANBU to go NC
My personal choice would be to reduce contact by :
Blocking his number so that he can't send messages/ring the children.(Explain why to the children in an age friendly way- good example to model setting boundaries).
Stop all unsupervised contact between him and the children.
If he makes derogatory remarks to the children during supervised contact, pull him up in front of them, and consider reducing contact further, depending on his response,and the children's feelings.

Abusers always do good things, that’s how they suck you in / keep people around.

Protect your child. If he goes on thinking this is normal he’ll put up with the same or do the same in his future relationships.

received a message telling him he a stupid little boy and a disappointment.

Im afraid if my child received this message, it'd take all my power to not go and punch him in the face. Id not give a second thought to going NC for this. Id make sure my child knew this was the reason, that they dont accept that behaviour and you have their back. Do it, do it today.

@Fortheloveofpizza, I was brought up in a deprived and dysfunctional environment. The one thing I was absolutely determined on, when I had a child, was that he would never be subjected to the adult behaviour I'd had normalised around me as in my own childhood.

By all means see the good in your father. That's your choice. But that is completely irrelevant to your ten year old and your sex year old. All you're teaching them is that you think it's OK for them to be terrified and insulted by their grandfather.

If anything you are under reacting !

SIX year old, sorry.

You are asking if it’s unreasonable whether to cut contact with someone who is verbally abusing your kids? What’s wrong with you?
Threatening to bust a young child up is ok with you, because he buys them a burger? You really are letting your kids down by allowing this abusive man around your children.