to want to move 'home' / how important is family?

[Swan2019]

Husband and I live in a lovely place with our four kids. We both work. Life is chaotic and I carry the entire mental load. I am stressed and tired all the time. Husband commutes in and out of London or is away for work. Neither of us are tied to the place we live in for work. It is also an extremely expensive part of the London commuter belt.
We have no family here, but we do have nice friends. The kids have all grown up with our friends' children.

My whole family live together in another part of the country. I like them and it's a lovely place with good schools, good transport links to london and lots to do.
My parents are young enough to help and to want to be involved. They come to stay, but it's such a long way that this is quite infrequent. (Think Edinburgh to Birmingham) I have siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, uncles, aunties, friends.. My kids have cousins and friends.

Husband is happy where we are. I'd like to move and feel the kids are young enough at primary age to manage it.

I suppose my question is - how important is having a supportive family around? How much will it benefit my children to have their grandparents nearby? It was SO important for me and I really miss my family. I'm aware that i don't have forever with my parents and I hate being so far away and watching time go by.

WWYD and AIBU to push for a move seeing as we are relatively happy where we are?
Please bare in mind that my husband is basically away / absent monday - friday but likes his weekends here. I have no weekends because I have young children and no help..!

Not unreasonable to move, especially given that your husband isn't being particularly supportive.

If you moved somewhere where you have family support or can afford to buy in help then that should make the quality of your life better. It seems like you are doing far more than your fair share and don't have much time off. Would your DH keep the same job and commute/stay overnight?

You wouldn't be unreasonable to discuss the pros and cons of a move alongside your current division of labour as a family. Wherever you live you could be sharing out free time at the weekend more evenly though.

It’s now or when the kids are grown up

what are the implications for work? Living close to your family would
mean he can’t commute anymore

So, to keep you both happy, it sounds as if the best solution would be to move, and have your wider family’s support during the week - but keep a base (maybe considerably downsized?) in London that you would all regularly go back to at weekends or whenever your husband is particularly present.

I know people will shout that that’s fantasy - but what is the point of all this work, and your husband working away so much, if you cannot find a way to make your lives together enjoyable?

In my view, friends are way more important than family. But I have always lived happily at a significant distance from family, so to me it's completely normal.

Everyone has to make their own decision on this, though. However, I'd be reluctant to move kids if they are at good schools, not to mention all the opportunities they'll get from living close to London.

One very important factor: How close is your husband to your family? Trading proximity with tour free ds for proximity with in laws you just tolerate for your spouse is a massive ask.

Move, move, move! Don’t live your life for someone else.

You have to take your husbands feelings into account , family is important and having someone to rely on in emergency situations is nice. I know your family say they will be there for you and that's great but I wouldn't rely to heavily on having a lot of help because they all have their own routines and lives. If you think that it would be better all round I'd go for it , maybe rent something before putting down roots though

Agreed, I only have one toddler, so can't speak from experience with four children, but our families live far away and we have no family nearby. If my family were altogether like yours and my parents young enough to help, with lots of extended family I would definitely want to move there.

I grew up spending lots of time with my grandparents and it was so important to me. Unfortunately, my mum is distant so not really such an option for us to move, but in your position I would want to, especially whilst all in primary school.

I guess after it won't be so easy/ possible and when they are all older. They'll all start having partners and the family will be split if you move (sorry, don't mean to be scary!) so I would definitely move now and hopefully most of you will settle long term in the new area. I really hope it works out xx

How old is your eldest and when for you need to apply for secondary? Is there enough time to move before then? Will it make your husband's journey to working awake longer? Does he want to move? All things to consider if planning a move.

Family support is invaluable but YABU if you and DH aren’t on the same page

I think the family support would be invaluable. You said DH is happy where ye are, but would he also be happy to move?

That he works away mon - fri, but does he go home to your current house or actually stay away? Would he get a job easily?

Personally though moving closer to family who want to offer support would be amazing!! I'm not a million miles from my family (2.5hrs) but I could really use some support with 2 toddlers.

If you have a good relationship with your family ,and you know they will help and be there for you ...you cant put a price on that .
Having had 4 DC and no help from family ,I would of definitely moved in your shoes ..I'd probably even consider divorce.. because your DH is not there in the week,so your getting no help at all

Your husband is there on the weekends. Why isnt he getting involved with dc? He should be msking up for his weekday absence.

But if he isnt involved at all you may as wel move with dc without him.

But he may want contact weekends which could be long travel for dc?

We moved away from the London commuter situation when I was a child because my Dad wasn't home at breakfast or bath time ever. We moved to an area in the UK where we could visit my great grandparents weekly, where we were close to another city where he could do the same job for a national company but he was home every breakfast and tea time. Rather than moving away from just their friends we also moved away from other other family but guess what - nearly all those friends and family also moved elsewhere for better work/life balance. We grew up with less money but a more present dad, we knew our great grandparents better than we otherwise would have and we still live close to a major UK city with all the concerts, sports etc that we want as well as easy access to beaches, countryside and so on. I'm glad that my parents made that decision when I was a young child.

I moved an hour away from my home town/ family and as my parents got older and needed more support, I really regretted being this far away. My sibling took most of the brunt of this and I did weekends . It was really difficult.

Where is husband's family?
Can you trial for one year; maybe renting in your new destination?

You have great schools and friends so it could be disruptive to the kids to move, as much as they would see more of your family.
Could you decide to travel to see family once a month?
Can you persuade DH to participate more with family life on the weekends?

The husband that does nothing to help her or is not there mond-friday 😂😂 sod his feelings in this case

Since when do wives have to persuade husbands to do more in their families ?? Shouldn't they want too ?

Move..do not think about it just do it,your husband is selfish out,sorry I don't care what job he has or how stressful he says it is he should still do his Father duties ..your parents won't be here forever,my Mam died suddenly 8 years ago and I'm glad I moved back from the UK and got 9 years with her..my girls adored her and she was such a hands on grandma..kids need their cousins,you need your family,friends will always be friends no matter where you live if they are true friends xx

I would move. Husband is content at the moment for you to do all the family and life admin so either he agrees or starts doing more of it and more of everything. As long as he can keep his job then go for it.
As a grandparent I would love to be closer, if only to be able to help on those days when kids are ill etc.

I think I'd book some weekends house hunting with him. Present it as the fact you need more help/support, given that he works away and therefore is not able to help as much as you need him to. Having family closer would be your preferred option rather than employing someone. Good luck

I'm not actually sure your husband gets a 50% vote here as he appears to have opted out of your family life anyway.

My husband and i are immigrants and so we've never lived anywhere near any of our family. Like with any choice, there are pluses and minuses. We have no interference in our parenting, we don't have to balance holidays (you'd need to spend a lot of holidays with his family if you live near yours surely?) and there's no expectation that either of us will be present for when our parents need help (again, good and bad points to this too!)

My kids have never known any different so I don't have anything to compare it to. I get jealous sometimes about these magical things I have heard about - 'babysitters' or 'date nights' or 'help when my husband is away for work' but on the whole I really value our independence.

My brother and his sister didn't have children, but they have piles of second cousins they don't know at all. It does worry me that they'll have no connection to family at all once it's just the two of them. But it doesn't sound like you're that removed from your family so probably not relevant.

What are the bad points about moving? Jobs? House prices? What's his objection?