Sorry it’s a long one.
My goddaughter (GD)married a man significantly older than her. I didn’t really warm to him at first but over time I thought he made her happy.
Eighteen years on they’ve split up, and it’s become clear that the relationship was abusive for a long time. Control issues, cocaine habit, cameras installed throughout the house, tracker on her car etc. Since the separation the emotional abuse has escalated badly including hundreds of abusive texts, turning up drunk and intimidation.
She’s lost over two stone, is shaking, anxious and clearly traumatised. She works full time and has their 15-year-old son living with her.
Police were contacted by her mum and took it very seriously, arranging an immediate meeting with my GD which I’m not sure she attended. She is terrified of engaging with police, solicitors or Women’s Aid, despite encouragement from her mum.
The marital home has been sold and she is buying a house on her own. They are not yet divorced and have no Financial Settlement in place (England). Yes, I know! I know!! He is “giving” her £10k towards the new house. Personally I think she should have waited for the Financial Order but she was desperate to get out the marital home. She has finally booked a solicitor appointment for next month, after the move.
Her biggest fear is him coming into her new home. There will be times when she’s at work and he will be collecting their son. She has a Ring camera.
I’m trying to help her without pushing her into something that makes things worse. My questions are
• Should she text him to say she doesn’t want him entering her home, so it’s in writing or is that more likely to escalate things?
• If he enters the house when she isn’t there, what practical steps can she take?
• Are there safety steps she can take without going straight to police or court that might help her feel more secure?
As far as I know he hasn’t been physically violent, but the police were clearly very concerned by his behaviour. I’m frightened for her and for her son, as we all know when the most dangerous time is for a woman with an abusive partner. :(
I know many will say “She must go to the police / Women’s Aid / solicitor” and we are trying so hard to get through to her. But for now I’m asking what supportive and practical I can give her that won’t make things worse.
Please help, I’m genuinely scared for her and just want them both to be safe. My BF (her mum) knows I’ve been on Mumsnet for 20 years and get all my best advice here, so has asked me to post.
IANBU - GD should send neutral text to ex telling him not to enter her new home.
IABU - Don’t send text that will rile him up and make things worse.