To want my Mums BF to just do one!!

[HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend]

Completely in despair and just at the end of my tether.

My mum is codependent on her alcoholic BF, mum was found in bed with him 4 days after my Dad died from alcoholism.

She is extremely fearful of living independently to the point she isolates her own family.

Just before Xmas Mum was diagnosed with a chronic lung condition which is causing left hand side heart failure, her prognosis is 2-5 years at best.

Her oxygen level is sitting around 70% without oxygen when sitting, on walking it drops to below 50% or lower, yesterday on walking up her stairs to use the only toilet in the house, she collapsed due to lack of oxygen, breaking 3 of her ribs and needing 18 stitches to her head.

She desperately needs oxygen at home however as her partner is a smoker and alcohol dependant she cannot have home oxygen (rightly so) I’ve pleaded for him to give up smoking so we can put a care plan in place however he refuses and mum refuses to leave him, even tho she can’t even make her own breakfast without passing out.

Council have found a lovely bungalow with wet room that they can move into and he refuses, there is absolutely nothing we can do because this bastard craves the control over her.

She sounds a vulnerable lady. Would you consider a safeguarding referral?

Are adult social care involved?

Referral has been made to adult social care (I work in this field in a specialised role, however in England) the wait times in Scotland is 4-8 months for assessments, however been able to work with her local council and we’ve managed to get her a suitable property.

Her partner is known to adult social care as he has some serious health conditions and is now disabled due to his alcoholism, we needed to get some aids and adaptation for him a few years ago.

It would make no difference doing a safeguarding referral, although I have done, as she has capacity , unfortunately we cannot force her to put her heath and wellbeing first, as she will always pick him.

Would she consider giving you power of attorney?
What is their living situation, presumably they rent but is he on the deeds? It would take time but you could evict him, in England at any rate.

Capacitous adults have the right to make bad choices. So I'm afraid that there is nothing you can do.

You sound like a very caring daughter OP and this must be driving you mad. But I think you've done everything you can. Your only real hope is that the bf dies.

This.

Though hiring a hitman does suggest itself.

Look, OP, your mother was also married to your alcoholic father. This isn't her first poor relationship choice, by the sound of it.

I really feel for you OP. This must be heartbreaking 💔 but really you know the answer to all this - your mum has capacity and she has to make her own decisions to either get rid of him and look after her health or she’s going to be with him and die (harsh reality I know).
wishing you luck xx

If she won't leave him, or at least stop living with him, when her life is literally on the line, then honestly, hell mend her.

Unfortunately it looks like she has made her choice. Has she got her will etc sorted?

First of all I’m sorry that you’re in this position.

My friend was in a very similar position, can I ask, is your mum “vunerable” as in she isn’t able to make her own choices and mentally not capable or is she just choosing bad choices. Because there is a big difference here.

As harsh as it seems, if your mum is a fully capable adult then she has chosen this life for herself. She was, although this sounds horrible to say, straight onto the next alcoholic as soon as your dad passed. She has chosen to isolate herself from family. I think you’ve done all you can, but if she has chosen this life then what more can you do?

Would she consider giving you power of attorney?

I already have wellbeing and financial power of attorney, as she has been sectioned over the years a few times but currently she has capacity and tbh has done for the last 5/6 years.

The house is a council joint tenancy, so we need him to agree to the move, we can move Mum into the bungalow independently but she refuses without him.

The conditions she has is brutal and she will endure so much suffering and isolation because of these choices and it’s just heartbreaking and so unbearably cruel.

Heartbreaking. They sound codependent. So sorry 💐

Could you talk to him directly? Say that she doesn't want to leave him for the bungalow but she'll die if she doesn't? Do you think that would help or just give him even more pleasure in controlling her? X

Why are you blaming only him? She is a fully grown adult, made poor choices and still doing it and she has chosen to do this. She doesn’t seem like a very good mum too. Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do.

We’ve begged and pleaded, offered him money, advised we will do all the necessary arrangements, he won’t need to lift a finger, advised it’s in his and mums interest, he simply doesn’t care, his his way or no way, no matter the detrimental impact it has on my mum or us as a family, he enjoys seeing her suffering.

He takes great enjoyment in the control and abusive ways he has over her, he just laughs in our faces, he is rotten to the core, even his own family have disowned him.

Section her again. Call the police. Initiate an urgent safeguarding referral. Get her away from him and see if that helps her see a different way forward. Document financial abuse, coercive control and insist she be protected from his abuse etc.

Or accept it's her life and step away. Safeguard yourself.

I think I'd be tempted to buy him as many bottles of his favourite tipple as I could afford, and force them down the bastard's throat, in the hope of finishing him off.

However, back in the real world, I really don't think there is anything you can do other than leave your Mum to her own devices OP. I know that this must be breaking your heart, but she's has clearly made the decision to stay with him, and if there's nothing you can do to change her mind, then I think you need to protect yourself now, and walk away now. I'm SO sorry! Sending you a hug.

Oh my goodness that is horrific @HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend

Feeling for you OP. I've been through very similar with a sibling who died young after refusing all the help I nearly destroyed myself getting 2in place. I also worked in services and beat myself up endlessly thinking I must be able to Do Something. But I could only do what I could, and sadly the rest was up to her. Your mum is very lucky to have you, but please only do what you can. You have to somehow come to terms with the fact that it may not be enough, and that is out of your hands. Do only enough so that you feel you've tried (it sounds like you've already gone above and beyond tbh). Seek support for yourself (who is there for you? Who do youbhave to offload to?) and do as much therapeutic and rewarding stuff as you can. I volunteered to help people with physical disabilities, who were so bloody appreciative and I was constantly, utterly in awe at how strong and successful they were in overcoming their particular challenges. In short, the help I gave was valued, appreciated, and made a difference to their lives. I can highly recommend it as an antidote!

I was trying to be firm and assertive but reading my message back and the comments from others, I wish I'd added - yes, this is a truly awful and heartbreaking situation. I'm sorry you're all going through this and I hope you are ok x