To leave relationship for this reason 😭

[13MAPARTHELL]

Hi everyone,

I’m struggling and could really use some perspective. My partner and I think so love each other, but our relationship feels completely unsustainable right now. Our lives run alongside each other rather than together. I work from home and do uni, while he is self-employed in a physically demanding trade and works long hours. He often feels he’s not earning enough, so he works even more, and this leaves almost no time or energy for us as a couple.

We have two kids with additional needs, which means almost all childcare, school holidays, and day-to-day management falls on me. We have zero family support from either side. I don’t drive, and all household tasks feel like they land on me. We haven’t had a date, not even an hour together, in five years.

I desperately want emotional connection and love, but he is exhausted, emotionally avoidant, and consumed by work. On top of that, he gets jealous if I see friends or take any time for myself — but seeing friends is really the only place I get some space and support, and he does not have friends and no time to make friends really.

It’s like love alone isn’t enough. The practical reality of our lives — two high-needs kids, no support, constant work, and no rest — is crushing us. Sometimes I feel like the only way either of us could have any breathing room or connection is if we separated, but I’m grieving that idea deeply. I want our family to stay together, but I also don’t see how this can ever improve, maybe not for many years, and (my autistic child) I can’t predict what future independence might look like.

I feel exhausted, trapped, and sick to my stomach. I love my partner, but our lives have become so misaligned that there seems to be no realistic path forward as a couple. I’m reaching out because I don’t know what to do — how do you survive when love isn’t enough and there is no support, no rest, and no time together?

Any advice, perspective, or ideas would be deeply appreciated.

He doesn’t help or support you with the children or the house, he spends all his time working but he’s controlling of your time, you feel exhausted, unhappy and trapped. This doesn’t sound like love to me.

I would give advice about trying to make your lives more aligned and manageable but honestly reading that he doesn’t like you seeing your friends really makes me more inclined to say LTB. I can’t stand any type of controlling behaviour.

Ouch. How old are your kids? Are you able to learn to drive to give you some more freedom? Or get a job so that he can then work less and you have some time together? Sounds really hard 😢

I think at the root of all this is the question, why does your DH think he doesn't earn enough? Are you really struggling financially OP?

I think this came off wrong - ill edit.

its not like that, he would never say that to me.
but he has no friends, and this upsets him & when i see my friends, I can feel the FOMO & sadness so I feel shame about going out sometimes.

Nope! I repeatedly tell him to stop taking on so much, I think he gets really scared that if he does that those contacts will drop him & in the future if work is slow or he gets dropped, he will have less.

But him having no friends isn’t your fault and a loving partner wouldn’t project their feelings onto you, they would be happy for you to enjoy some social time. You shouldn’t have to feel shame for getting some time out from what sounds like a massively unbalanced relationship.

They are almost 4 & 5

i work full time currently & I am learning to drive very soon, as we just had some money come through (backdated DLA) its super hard! I just want him to get a normal job really.

i mean he leaves at 4am home at 6pm heavy labour for £650 a week

oh bless you both. this is so so hard

It will probably not be easier as a single mum

Can he at least get a job closer to home?! Because for that amount of time out of the house six days a week he really should be brining home a lot more!

No this is true, but hes messy as hell & I do all the main stuff, he plays with them but I do EVERYTHING, I feel rejected all the time becsuse he doesn’t have the capacity to be a partner essentially

I think in view of your response to my question about whether you actually need the extra money, you should sit him down and tell him that you feel that your relationship is suffering because of the fact that he's taking on more and more unnecessary work. Tell him you appreciate that he's doing it as he wants to look after you all, and be sure that you will always have a roof over your heads, but that it's more important to you that you have kisses and cuddles, and his support with the children, than having an extra few quid in the bank. If he argues, say ' you're not listening to me', and then if he swears blind he is, tell him that he may think he's listening, but if he is, he's not actually HEARING what you have to say, and you fear that your relationship is sailing close to the rocks and you want to do something about it NOW, before it you hit those rocks and the boat sinks. If he says you're being silly, or ridiculous or anything else along those lines, then tell him, 'OK, I might be being silly, but it's the way I feel and you REALLY DO NEED TO LISTEN TO WHAT I'M TELLING YOU, otherwise this relationship is doomed!!' Hopefully this will have the desired effect, but it does sound like you need to really have a serious heart to heart, and find out if the relationship is still worth working at, or whether it's time to call it a day.

I hope that you can resolve things OP.

OP basing your figures on a 5 day workweek, 60 hours per week (allowing 2 hours per day for transpo and breaks), that's less than £11 per hour and being self-employed is no wonder the workload hours. You both need to look for another higher paying work opportunity for him which will benefit you both, because although you didn't mention it, a similar relationship I had they were jealous of my going to uni while they had to lose out on the opportunity. If he works more than the 5 days a week, then he definitely needs to go outside. Otherwise he could very well resent the situation and imbalance financially once you finish school and elevate your ability to have better work opportunities.

id agree talk to him, there’s is nothing here that will get easier if you break up. He need to be less messy help more, you need to get to see your friends, you need a date night. He needs to get some sleep!!

Learn to drive.
Find a part time job.
Enjoy your new work place friends and the change of tasks.
Pay for childcare, respite care for DC and book regular holidays with your spouse.

DH is, like you, working too many hours.
If you are working part time there might be a chance of him being able to work fewer hours.