Please help

[Bernie1971]

I have been married for 16 years together for 20 years. My MIL has caused a lot of problems in our marriage and hubby has refused to address it. It’s mainly due to the fact that I was divorced when I met hubby and had a child, my child has never been embraced into my hubbys family as a grandchild but I have dealt with that. MIL is in a home for the last 3 years. I have not visited her in that time as it is a 3 hour drive there and back and I mind our kids and keep the house running with their activities etc. Hubby visits her every second weekend, stays with her for about 30 mins (that’s all she wants time wise) and then he goes and stays the night in the family home and goes out with the lads he grew up with. So basically he’s away 26 hours from home to visit his mother for 30 mins. He says it’s too long a journey to go there and return home to us the same day. So he now has a whole ‘new’ social life without me. He never asks me to go out - never. If I complain he says it’s because I resent his mother, it’s his social life I resent tbh. While I stay at home. He also had 4 work xmas nights out before Xmas. AIBU? I feel he is living a single life. Had a work night out recently meal at 6pm and fell in the door pissed drunk at 4am. I lost my father to cancer in November and I feel so lonely. I’m seriously thinking of ending this joke of a marriage. Please help me xxxx

Sounds awful, but then again - sounds like it was awful from the get go. He refused to address from the start.

You need to start carving out your own life then, where you live l.

do you even love him?

This is once a fortnight, for one night?

I don’t think I love him cheekycoffee as the resentment is building so strong!!

Yes twice a month - 26 hours each visit

Ok so quite obvious then

you don’t love him
he doesn’t seem all that bothered about you

but going out once a fortnight is hardly the end of the world. How old are your children?

One night @Bernie1971 . One night!

Doesn’t seem unreasonable to go see his mum twice a month, she’s in a Home so can’t come to you, and it would be quite a long drive to
do there and back in a day.

Is the problem:

The Frequency ?
That he’s going out, not staying in ?
That he doesn’t go out with you ?

Is there a reason why you can't all go as a family and stay in the family home? Even once a month?

10 and 15. I work full time I’m always at home. My friends think I’m mad not saying anything so I just wanted an outsider’s prospective. I’m not jealous in any way nor think there is another woman just seems unfair.

Irrelevant anyway. You don’t love him. So… that’s that really isn’t it? Start using the time on your own to prepare for two of you separating

but if the one night a fortnight is really riling you…. Either leave the 10 yr old with the 15 ur old and go out yourself on that night or arrange a night when he’s home. It’s not hard to address that @Bernie1971

but problem seems much more than that!

It is ridiculous to say you haven’t visited MIL in three years because you are tied to the home by a ten year old and a 15 year old. Because you don’t like her, maybe, but are you seriously saying you have not been further than a three hour drive from home in three years?

So you’re not jealous
you don’t think he’s up to anything
it’s one night a fortnight
and you have a 10 and 15 yr old
So what do your friends want you to say?

Maybe use that time to pack up his stuff and file for divorce?. I ended my marriage by text.. Twas most appropriate given I hardly had chance to speak to him. No regrets whatsoever..

YBVU!!! It’s one night. The fact that you’ve kept a tab down to the hour is very petty.

There’s no love lost with you and MIL so reasonable to say you don’t want to go and she wouldn’t want you there anyways.

He should have nipped the issue with MIL in the bud years ago.

Use of “hubby” set my teeth on edge

I think you’re being very unreasonable. you haven’t visited your mother in law in her care home for three years, but you resent your husband seeing her twice a month and staying overnight so that he doesn’t have to drive for six hours in one day? It’s none of your business what he does in the evening with his friends when he’s staying overnight on these visits. If you’re that concerned, why not go with him and make a weekend of it?

Come on, its jealousy pure and simple.

You refuse to visit her, but begrudge your DH visiting his mother in a home twice a month and then staying over.

You must have very needy children at home!

Start doing things you enjoy, no point in 'always being at home', your kids are old enough to be home together, or your husband can take his 10yr old along to visit granny and stay over at his old house.

Book a few overnight trips for yourself to places that look nice, on the weekends when your husband is home.

Life is for enjoying.

Your kids are old enough that yiu aren't tied to the house. What do you mean you work full time and are always ar home... surely that's your choice? I presume he also works full time and then every 2nd weekend goes to visit his mother and has a night out. What's stopping you going out?

At the end of the day... you've said you don't love him. So what he does shouldn't particularly bother you? If I didn't love my husband if be delighted he was out of my way.

If you don't love him that's a different issue to what you are presenting here. Visiting his mother every 2 weeks in a home is not really an issue... have your kids not seen her in 3+ years?

But it is an issue when this poor woman gets no social life.

twice a month and your kids are 15 and 10, I don’t see the issue. It is a long way there and back same day. Would you prefer him to drive back tired?

I guess you could all go and he nip off to see mil, perhaps with your younger dc occasionally, Do you know his friends? If you and they prefer to continue as you plan each weekend at home then there seems little alternative.

She's a grown woman though... her kids are not toddlers. She can go out herself the days he's not.

You can divorce him for whatever reason you want. Because you don't love him is perfectly valid. But visiting his mother is just an excuse. He's not doing anything wrong. There's lots of things you could be doing. You could all go, just not see your MIL. You.could go out yourself while he's away, go out on a different night, invite friends round etc. Don't martyr yourself.

Could you afford him and kids to go woth him once a month and stay in a hotel? You could chill and he could take the kids to visit granny

Yanbu to end your marriage for any reason. But to seriously say you haven't visited MIL in 3 years because of your excuses is laughable. Nothing wrong with being honest and saying you haven't visited her because you dislike her! They're nothing wrong with your DH staying either. Why do you want him with you all the time?