Major friendship issues at school … need help

[Maternitygold]

My daughter has been best friends with this girl since primary school and they are currently in year 11. Classic always being together, each others support, having tons of fun, etc. they both are excellent in studies, at sports etc however my daughter is a bit quieter and other girl is extrovert. Few months back after half term this girl suddenly turned on her and said ‘she has grown up, it’s not you it’s me, she wants to take a step back’. As it was sudden my daughter was very upset for a week or so, heartbroken etc but she stepped up and kind of pulled herself back. That is when the drama started, this girl started being nasty to her - get away from me, stand at a distance, don’t touch me and she will be nice and nasty and the cycle would repeat. Like she wants to keep her on a hook and punish her.
my daughter had it out with her and said let’s keep a polite distance and hang out with others but be civil to each other and this girl has bombarded her with texts, being nasty at school. They have other friends but it is difficult for my daughter. She doesn’t know what she did to deserve this so suddenly.
I have told her to keep her distance from her. My daughter has other friends but she has gone so quiet, so in a shell and although she tries her best she is struggling and I need help and advice on what to do. Other girl is a being a bully. Making nasty comments that is breaking her confidence. How can I support?

Contact the school to deal with bullying.

Sounds like the other girl wants DDs attention. She probably thought 'breaking up with her' would mean your DD would fawn around her trying to win her back, and when that didn't happen, she became peeved and aggressive.
In addition to the usual steps taken to address bullying, I would advise DD is to keep her distance and not be drawn in whatever the other girl tries. Because this bullying may well turn to 'hoovering' if the current tactics don't work. Warn DD of that.

If you arent friendly enough to speak to the mum, go to the school. Dont let it beome a thing, she sounds like a nasty piece of work

I would also recommend blocking this girl on her phone and any social media so she wont get the messages.

Honestly what utterly stupid advice 🙄

OP encourage your daughter to spend time with other friends and keep her distance from this girl. Contact the school about the bullying and nasty messages. Don't encourage your daughter to confront her directly, it won't help and will just exacerbate the situation. Tell her to ignore the girl and let the school deal with it.

Don't be such a wet wipe. Kids need to stand up for themselves, physically if necessary. The bullying will stop in 60 seconds flat and DD will have an enormous confidence boost. Far better than a lifetime of being timid and accepting crap from people.

Thanks all @5128gapi believe this is exactly what happened. She expected my daughter to grovel back to her but when she stood her ground it made her angry. I will ask her to ignore and keep up with other friendships. Ignoring will finally make her relent hopefully.

I think that given your DD is questioning what she herself has 'done wrong' it might be helpful to discuss this type of behaviour pattern with her, explaining that this is something some people sometimes do because they want to feel in control of other people. That encountering this behaviour isn't anything about you, its just bad luck that someone you are involved with behaves this way.
I'd talk to her about the various tactics people use to gain and keep control of others, the push and pull, reward and punish that she may already be noticing, and that its important not to be sacked in by them.
I'd also say that it's possibly a stage the girl is going through, as I'd not want to be writing a 12 year old off as a lifelong narc!

Why hasn’t dd blocked and been ignoring /keeping away from this girl well before now? How is she getting to say things like ‘get away from me’ and ‘don’t touch me’ - surely dd hasn’t been going over and touching her?

Why would she go and touch someone unnecessarily? She has to work in groups on projects or in general during lunch break when a group is hanging out together. I can’t dissect everything as I am not a school but she has tried to keep her distance. When someone is hell bent on making nasty comments they find opportunities

I had this with my daughter , I went to school about it they set up a meeting between them to mediate. I met with the principal discussed that they don't have to be friends just that this girl stopped excluding her from school activities. I had to read a list of things my dd wrote of what the other girl was doing to her. I had to coax dd into school when she previously had full attendance then we went into covid lockdown and that was that, obviously that won't help your dd but please go to the school and read the schools bullying policy . This sort of thing ruins their confidence, encouraging other friends is good too.

Your daughter needs to tell the school and show the messages.

Something like this happened to me when I was exactly your daughter’s age out of nowhere with a girl I had been friends with since I was 11. It was horrible but I ignored her concentrated on other friendships. I also got a part time job around the same time and made friends with loads of new people doing that job and it gave me so much confidence.. she came grovelling back and I wasn’t interested in rekindling the friendship. I wasn’t being bombarded with texts though, that’s aggressive bullying behaviour and needs to be reported to the school.

While I agree, for OP’s DD to escalate to a physical altercation would put her in the wrong. Only punch if under physical threat not verbal.

And what if she ends up being suspended for starting a fight? What if the other girl turns out to be tougher and beats the shit out of her? Or reports her to the police for assault?

Your response is childish and shortsighted. It's not the right thing to do to teach children to use violence as a response. The correct thing to do is speak to the school. Teenage girls have fallings out and can be mean to each other - that doesn't mean you encourage them to hit each other!

thanks. Some excellent suggestions here … it helps to know that I am on right path. This situation developed so suddenly that it was a shock for us when previously she was like a part of the family. I do think something must have happened to the other girl for such a behaviour change. Her mum is a good friend of mine and when she called me few weeks back to arrange dinner, she was oblivious to everything and thought they were still best friends. She promised to check and call back but never did.

Why are people so horrible?

Because other people let them get away with it

I'd tell the school about the problems. I'd also tell her to be really wary of this girl now, even if she suddenly wants to be friends with your daughter I'd struggle to trust her and its likely she will be dropped. I think your daughter has to be friendly and assertive but not become too close or drawn in. Just treat her as she would any indirect acquaintance who was telling her not to stand too close etc. I find chat gpt quite good for suggestions on what to say in this kind of confrontation that isn't aggressive, won't further an argument but will show that she won't be pushed around. Ultimately though she will need to try her best to concentrate on other friends. I know friends are everything at this age but they're at the age where things can change a lot in 6th form / college, so if they're stopping for exams soon there isn't too long left that she has to put up with her.

Contact the mother again and the school. Your poor daughter.

Year 11 not 11 years old. It makes a difference, as these girls are well into teenagehood which can be when personality disorders and manipulative behaviour become well entrenched and obvious to others.

Ridiculous.

You need to contact the school and get this sorted. Not only for your DD, but such a massive personality change in the other girl might mean something's happened to her that nobody else is aware of. The whole situation needs to be investigated.

Yes, poor bully, let's all be kind to her.

Wettest thing I've ever heard.

Why do they want to be though?
Life's easier when your nice.