Travel long haul for wedding with toddler

[TerribleTwosNoNOno]

A very dear friend has just told us she's getting married in January next year. We are close, I knew they were engaged, making rough plans etc. Thing is, this wedding will be in Bali and we will have a 2.5 year old DD.

We have travelled long haul (for family, DH's side) when our DD was 6 months and at 14 months, recently. It's such hard work....the only thing that made it bearable is we had loving grandparents and aunties and a very comfortable house at our destination. Toddler does not take travel and jet lag well at all.

Wedding spans almost 3 days and is child free so DH would have to stay in the hotel with DS, and only I could go to all the events.

The early January time also means we will not be able to do anything at Christmas with our own families.

This is my oldest and probably currently my closest friend. I'm really torn. I could take my parents but the cost of that would be astronomical.

OK as I write this I think I have made up my mind. Damn. It's too tricky.

I could go alone but I'll use up too much annual leave, it will still mean no wider family Christmas or winter holiday at all.

I agree with this. I’m getting married this year, in the country where I live (and have done for many years). My closest friends from my home country (a long haul flight away) all have children, toddler age and younger. Those children are the only ones invited to the wedding.

If you really want to attend, go alone, no way take your kid when they’re not even invited. Do you have another friend you can travel with and spend the time with?

I'd presume the invite was a token invite to be honest. She doesn't actually want you at the wedding or she would have made some concessions.

Are you really best friends if the fact she’s getting married in Bali has been a surprise (no discussion beforehand) and she hasn’t invited/taken into account your DC? DC of a best friend are practically family like nieces and nephews to most best friends. You’re not a bridesmaid or anything? Is she your best friend but you’re not her best friend (sorry that sounds a little harsh).

I would go but go for a week solo. But I’d be happy to condense the family Christmas trips from 7 days to 5. It’s ok if you don’t want to go though. Bali is a PITA to get to from the UK (are you elsewhere?) so the bride can’t be shocked people can’t get there.

It wouldn’t be for me.

key thing here is what the husband thinks. Because this doesn’t seem particularly fair on him.

all in all I just don’t see how in your position the logistics work. You’ve got a toddler. To go means not spending Christmas with your family, the child isn’t invited. It’s a long haul flight…

Everything is stacked against you here.

how bothered are you really? For me, it isn’t worth the trade offs. That’s no slight on your relationship with the mate. Just what it is

Indeed

Yanbu - decline without a scrap of guilt.

If your friend wanted you there more than she wanted this nonsense wedding she wouldnt have made it so insanely hard for you to attend.

The flight to bali is an absolute shag

• the jet lag (no WAY would I do this for THREE days)
• she hasn't had the decency to accommodate your child. +she's happy to also exclude your dh AND dc from the "happiest day of their lives"
• the cost of attending is probably the equivalent of a weeks family hol in Europe or a month childcare.

In its most generous framing she's completely thoughtless which isnt a quality I seek in my friends.

If it doesn’t work for you then don’t go, but I don’t understand why you need to go with your husband and your child if they won’t be attending the wedding. And why do you need to take two weeks off for it?

1. If your friend really wanted you there, she wouldn't have booked a child free destination wedding when you have a child
2. Either go alone or don't take your child, taking a toddler sounds like an awful plan for everyone involved, especially the little one! If you want to go, go, but I can't see why you're mugging your family along who aren't even invited.
3. Isn't Bali wet in January?

Nope.

I don't understand the "2 weeks" thing. The wedding is 3 days.

I wouldn't drag my husband and child in these circumstances, but for a true long term friend I would try to go on my own if finances allow.
The only option I can see is that you celebrate Christmas as normal, and then go on your own to the wedding. Depending on the dates it would be a 4-5 days trip, hopefully overlapping with a weekend, so you only need 3 days off work ideally.

Exacyly.

You may consider her a dear friend, and think you're close but that sounds one sided.

When people book destination weddings, they accept that some people wont travel; when people book destination weddings that are child free, that number increases massively. Its natural.

A 3 day childfree destination wedding; they dont care if anyone in their friend circle with kids turns down the invite. They made that decision when they said childfree.

Wait for the invite, and turn it down. No guilt.

Do you have to see your family at Christmas? Why don't you take the opportunity to have a proper family Christmas at home with just your husband and child then go to the wedding. See your family earlier/later in the year?

Just tell your friend you cannot go because it’s a child free wedding and too far to go without your dc for logistical reasons plus for financial reasons it would need to be a main holiday

No way would I be going!
If she has decided to "elope" then she shouldn't expect people to trail after her.

Yeah I would say no to this, logistically it's just too challenging and your child hasn't been invited so there would be no point on bringing them, especially as it will mean your DH won't be able to attend either.

One of my DH friends is getting married on an island in Thailand this year but after checking through all the logistics of it, we just can't go. Our oldest DC has lots of additional needs and is prone to lots of meltdowns at the minute, violent ones (mostly towards himself which is hard to watch) and is a complete daddy's boy. Without DH for 5/6 days I don't think it would be doable, even with elderly grandparents. This friend's wedding is also children free so it wasn't like we could have taken them. Not that I would anyway, we haven't been abroad since May 2024 after a disaster of a 2 hour flight to Majorca so a long haul to Thailand would be insane.

Sometimes you just have to say no. Send her a lovely gift (I'm sure you would anyway) and wish her well.

If the OP is in the UK the travel to Bali is way more than a 9 hour flight. I would go somewhere for special reasons on my own on a single 9 hour and stay a short time, but to Bali or similar travel would be too much as it’s a huge and not straightforward trip.

In the circumstances of the OP I would decline unless you could stand the journey, jet lag, and cost to your family budget, or unless you choose to make the trip longer for a family holiday eg if you’ve always wanted to go there. A good friend would understand.

I don’t think I’d spend more on a friends wedding , than on my own
A week for 3 in Bali would be a substantial amount of money

Also , we went to Bali last year ( I’m in my 60s ) and it took 3 days at least to recover from the flight , the time difference and the change in temperature)
I think it was 17 hours on 2 flights , with a stop in Abu Dhabi

Decline the invitation ( if it arrives , I’m guessing when they start on the wedding planning in earnest , they’ll l change their mind )

For my oldest and closest friend, I would go on my own and use as little annual leave as possible. Suffer the jet lag and just get on with it to be there. Sometimes it is about being there for your friend and being part of that celebration in their life.
Even if it meant cutting Christmas with family shorter. One year a quiet Christmas at home isn't that bad (I love those years to be honest)

I wouldn’t waste annual leave for someone else’s child free wedding unless I really wanted to do that. Don’t see the point.

Nope.

If you decide to get married abroad - child free or not - you just have to accept that some people will not be able to go. Just explain to your friend that you love her very much but you can’t fit it in with Christmas and seeing your family,

If she's your best and oldest friend then the obvious answer is go yourself for 3/4days. Not sure why that needs ALL your AL.

Obviously don't drag your toddler and dh across the world for a wedding they won't actually be attending.

Go and have fun!

I've used annual leave on UK weddings- a day dress shopping, spa day, hen party, then the actual wedding.

I don't think 3/4 days is that much for your best oldest friend. She's entitled to have her wedding where she wants and if she's as close as you say then why would you miss it.

Some MN posters seem to not like their friends very much and disagree with ever putting effort in outside their nuclear family.

We went to Bali last Christmas (having been there many times before but not for 10 years or so). It was awful, totally over touristed, terrible sanitation. Out of 14 of us 9 were sick at some point and we were very careful - no ice, cleaning teeth in bottled water. I would never go again and certainly not with a toddler.