Money issues with dp

[Loho123]

Partner is at home due to been unwell and cannot work, gets pip and I work as much as possible around care duties but also have some health issues myself, husband has a hobby well obsession on occasions and alot of his social life is around it, please don't ask what as it is not a issue for me aprt from the spending attached to it, I used to allow him to have a small amount of savings he has access to and I have access ro to for things like car emergencies etc we don't have much as I'd like but that's life trying to make best of things, we are in social rented housing so rents cheap and thus we manange, unfortunately him going to work is simply not a option constant pain and drugs he is on simply cannot see it happening unfortunately, my iisue is he spent 200 pounds without asking me on this hobby, and this has happened several times this year so I've now told him he has his budget of x amount to do what he wants with and I am now taking control of finances and any savings we have (not much few hundred) as I'm angry he has done this, the things he buys for his hobby are not resail value at price paid and it's a money pit tbh! Although I get he has to have something to fill his days its getting annoying and I'm pissed off so I have said basically u won't have access to any money from now on apart from x amount per month allocated to you, I pay fuel food and although we have x amount each I end up buying clothes haircuts etc and I know my behaviour is enabling him to do this but I now feel horrendous guilty at controlling the purse strings!!!!

So not too unwell to socialise and spend joint money then?
My exh had depression.. Only when it applied to shopping /school runs /chores... Never too unwell for pool night /golf /social events attached to the hobbies..
Exh....
*Sympathy for the genuinely depressed not the selectively depressed..

He has severely bad ptsd and has been through hell, and is nearly immobile at times several spine issues alot of it is online stuff and not much going out as such it the spending of money I have issues with not his illness and been unable to work

I think financially the fairest way to work it is to figure out what money is coming in, how much goes out on bills/savings and then from what is left allocate you both a certain amount for spending money so for example of there is £400 left you both get £200.

If he chooses to spend his £200 on his hobby then that’s his choice.

We do do that but the extra is supposed to go away for car ins repairs etc saving and he just spends it willy nilly so I've said he has to withdraw what's left and give me it to look after as it gets spent on crap otherwise, I feel mean he can spend his spending money on whatever he wishes but not money we are supposed to save he has agreed but seems sulking and really doesn't get it tbh!
It's abit like having a chikd🙄

Do you not have any money left after saving? As otherwise add these possible costs into your existing bills etc figure and then divide what's left afterwards. Maybe it's only £20 each. Otherwise it seems quite controlling that you are the only one with access to money and what it is spent on.

This.

What do you mean “whats left is for xyz”- that’s not whats left then if there are things for that money to be spent on? You need to do a proper budget, allocate £X for savings, whatever is LEFT as in disposable cash, “fun money” divide in half and both take your share to spend on whatever you want. If he wants to spend his on “crap” then okay.

You’re crossing into financial abuse territory if you’re denying access to joint funds though and telling him what he can and cannot do with every penny.

I get that I don't tell him what he can spend his share of the budget on he does as he wishes a example would be the few hundred a month that we are supposed to have left after "" fun""money he has just gone helped himself and spent it on his hobby rather than tell or ask to discuss first as a result my car is broke and I cannot get it fixed till pay day so I'm now saying the money we have in savings I won't allow him to have access to (hundred not thousands) as it obviously he cannot help but help himself I have explained that if I went out spent 300non a handbag then yes he would winge but if he does it it's not OK, what he does with his x amount per month I don't care and it's not a bad budget for someone whom doesn't work he's very lucky!

@Loho123 is there potential for his hobby to pay? Could he get a remote job? It sounds like a bit of tough love is needed.

Can he return what he’s bought? As it does seem out of order to have spent the £200 which you clearly don’t have to spend.

I agree with others that you need to be a lot clearer about how much per month is saved and how much is personal fun money. Ideally you would set up a separate joint account for all rent, bills, car, household savings, couple expenses. And a separate personal account each for your own personal spend. Right now it’s all mixed up.

He then knows that he needs to save up for big hobby spends like that.

Well this is where you need to make the budget clearer. Why isn't the repair money kept separately? To me you need to have a bills account, a rainy day savings account and then to each have a spending account.

OP, you are being used.
How long are you together that you feel obligated to have him living off you?

Totally agree with posters about budgeting for the car etc before having fun money.
Is there any way he can WFH and earn some money?

You need to allocate a set amount for spends, say £100 each and rest is saved towards repairs to cars etc. It’s far easier to allocate out all money like that and put money into savings on pay day, not what’s left. The fact you can’t get your car fixed is not on. My mum used to give my dad £10 a week spends and I thought it was very controlling, but her argument was he would have wasted it. Maybe this is what you need to do when he’s spending on hobbies before essential repairs. But you need to manage your money differently too.

It sounds to me that they have a rainy day account for unexpected bills and repairs, and he's taking from that pot after he's blown through his spending money.

I had a colleague who had to give her partner an allowance as he'd go out and return with a motorbike or some such purchase - zero financial discipline. Only God knows why she was so desperate to marry the manchild 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I get why people are saying you sound controlling in your OP - but I think it's because you are at the end of your tether.

He sounds a bit like my ex. She would constantly over-spend and it was impossible to get across to her that just because you have money in your bank account, that doesn't mean you can spend it all and expect someone else to cover all the emergencies and contingencies. One of my 'last straw' moments was when (after much dealing with debt and lying about money), she said she wanted to book a holiday. I asked her repeatedly whether she could afford it, given we were trying to save up to replace the car. She said yes, it would be fine. She booked it, dead cheerful, and then a couple of days before she came to me and told me 'oh, I can't pay my share of the bills this time, I bought the holiday'. Needless to say there was no money for the car, either.

I cannot stress to you how enormous the relief is at knowing that, now I am on my own, I do not have to deal with this sort of constant uncertainty and repeated sudden 'surprises' about where the money has gone.

Her take - and I'm sure your DP is the same - would be bewildered innocence. But the money was there? It wasn't being used? So what's the problem?

This is not how adults live. I couldn't possibly cope with this. I don't really see how restricting his spending is a solution. He needs to want to sort out his own issues, and at the moment, it doesn't sound as if he even realises he has money issues.

If your husband is that disabled and you are that broke, are you sure you're getting all the benefits you could be entitled to ... including a Motability car. There is a cost, as it's a choice how you use your benefits, but it does mean that you'll never have to worry about car bills.

And btw, why do posters think the OP 'should' make the budget clearer?

It sounds as if they are two adults, living together, with joint finances.

The OP says she has had the conversation about spending money versus savings.

How much bending over backwards should she be doing? Surely a grown adult can be expected to understand the budget already, without someone constantly needing to repeat 'and please stop dipping into our savings because we need them'?

Yes, add the car money etc to the ‘bills’ (but save it separately) before coming to the ‘left over’ amount, then share the part that is left over.

He sounds terrible, you sound lovely.

Is the home/rent in your name?