How to navigate DDs friendship with new neighbours child

[ThisNavyBiscuit]

DD9 and DS6 and we have recently moved following a divorce to a small cul de sac close to their school. DD9 has friend in her class , lets call her ‘Mandy’. Mandy lives a couple of doors down from us and lives with her mum , her son and potentially her partner.
Mandy is allowed to play outside unsupervised, wherever and when ever she likes including when it begins to get dark. This is none of my business but now my daughter is asking to hang out with Mandy after school and I have firmly said no it’s too dark and cold outside.
I explained in an age appropriate way why I was not letting her play outside unsupervised and offered to meet her in the middle and said they can play in our house.
Bit of background is that Mandy’s mum used to be an alcoholic and I know has a lot of partners in and out of her life. I feel a bit protective of my daughter and although none of this is Mandy’s fault I am starting to feel the friendship is becoming very intense.

Mandy frequently knocks, posts letters and asks if DD can play out. Most evenings they are playing in her room and when I try and put boundaries in place I am met with kick offs and Mandy asking if she can play after dinner. Some nights they are standing on our front porch blasting the Kareoke.

How can I put some boundaries in place, I will not allow my DD in Mandy’s house as I do not feel safe leaving her unoccupied. Has anyone had experiences of this and how did it pan out? Am I being too overprotective and judgmental?

thanks

Your DD, your rules. I would put clear boundaries in place with no further discussions.

I would just introduce house rules and stick to them.
say the rules are your daughter needs to be at home with her family at 4pm for dinner or at 5pm for family time and homework etc. whatever time works best for you.

I think you're right for protecting your daughter but still letting her have the friendship. It's probably nice for the friend having a safe place to go. Id just set rules about times, like until dinner and then that's it for the day, and maybe not every day so there's some down time as well.

Decide what rules and boundaries you want to have, then enforce them. You don’t need to explain yourself to children.

Who is kicking off when you put boundaries in place? Do you mean Mandy or your own child? Either way, they get told that they respect your rules as they are without argument, or they won’t be playing together at all.

Mandy is being neglected and this is a safeguarding issue.

I don't think a 9yo playing out is that wild a decision to imply neglect, unless you live somewhere quite unsafe. But if frame this as "different families have different rules" and not discuss further if it isn't something you're ok with.

Just set your boundaries and send Mandy away if it's a bad time for having her round. But I think this is a classic age for kids to want to spend time with friends, and it's understandable both dc want this.

Well, personally I'm a big advocate of children playing on their own doorsteps/ on their own streets wherever and whenever possible

I think it's wrong to link this specifically to neglect - and personally (and just speaking for myself!) I would be delighted for my child to be given the chance to play with a local child near the house.

And after school - it's also good for kids to relax a bit outdoors isn't it?

It used to be totally normal and very sad it's considered immediately to be neglectful

of course you can have boundaries but I wonder if it's worth having a think about allowing some free play after school just as an experiment

I think it's great for children to play out after school, especially if you live in a little cul-de-sac. We used to live in one and all the children in the street played out together, it was lovely. Can your DD play out for a little while until it starts to get dark? It'll be lighter in the evenings before long and they will be able to stay out a bit longer.

You’re just going to have develop a way of dealing with your child’s friend living so close by, ie not letting yours out to play if it’s too late, or the timings don’t work, and sending her home when her time is up. No to outdoor karaoke. Mandy’s mother’s past alcoholism or number of partners is totally irrelevant, unless you feel there’s an actual risk to your DD visiting Mandy’s house.

She's 9, not 3. What's the issue with her playing out? Too 'cold'?! 🤦🏼‍♀️

If it is your daughter who is kicking off then that’s immediately time for her friend to go home and for your daughter to go to bed if she doesn’t stop very quickly

DD at 9yo was allowed to play out on our block, no crossing roads and only until it got dark. Those were our rules and we explained that every parent makes their own rules based on what they are comfortable with. If her friends had different rules that was their parents decision. We were willing to discuss and adjust the rules if she felt they were unfair or she demonstrated that she was ready for more independence.

At 11 she has a radius she’s allowed to play out in, a time she needs to be home by, she has to take her phone and leave the ‘find my’ function enabled and if we ask her to come home she needs to do it.

The amount of men in and out of the house is an issue with 1 in 20 children having suffered sexual abuse according to the NSPCC. Outdoor karaoke will irritate the neighbours. I would say Mandy visiting yours and playing outside when light is fine. Plus as much as anyone can admire an alcoholic taking the step to be sober it’s a disease for life.

Do not worry about being judgemental. I mean maybe she is an alcoholic because she suffered something extremely traumatic as a child and we can all feel sorry for her but ultimately it’s your child that’s your priority. Sometimes I’m really glad I’m not over wrought with liberal angst when decision making which is what is happening here. I had a childhood playing outside all the time but we had to be home before it was dark which meant a moveable boundary delending on the time of year.

I would limit the visit to 3 times per week, telling Mandy nit to knock on the day's off, phase it out.
I think you have to report the neglect.

Yes, firm boundaries. Calm delivery.

They learn the boundaries and stop asking (so frequently) eventually. Even the friend will learn. Horrible in the beginning stage though.

At the end of the day, it’s your child and your rules despite any opinions on any site. My kids are now adults but I used to weigh up each “friend” and each “play date” to what I thought was best. My eldest son had one friend that he really enjoyed going to because they played out in their cul de sac. I lived on a main road and my son was never going to experience that so it was exciting to him. I let him have that experience. Another example was my other son had a friend that was endlessly at my house. I won’t go into his situation but it was better they were at my house but some days it was too much. I did have to send him home for his dinner etc, it was becoming too much for me and tbh overtaking our “family time”. I didn’t feel bad about it, we deserved as a family to have our dinner together etc, it’s always a different vibe if they’re at dinner every night etc.

i guess it depends on how mature your 9 year old. Personally I’d let her play out, it’s a good experience for children. Generally if the uk children spend so much of their time stuck indoors. But at the end of the day, if it’s not for you as her mother, then it’s not for you. Can you do it in small increments? Let her do 30 mins for a week, increasing it slowly etc?

at the end of the day you put the boundaries in place whether your DD kicks off or not. Personally when friends live so close on one hand it’s really nice for your DD, on the other hand it’s like the friend that never goes home! The playing out is really something you need to make a decision on.. personally I’d say to DD that x amounts of days after school are a no go, that’s family time but she can have Mandy here on x days and she can play out for x amount of time on x day (s) and Mandy can have dinner once (insert here) days

You can put whatever rules you want in place.

playing outside at age 9 isn’t neglect and unless you have other reasons to suspect Mandy’s mum is neglecting her this isn’t really anywhere near the call SS threshold (and in fact some parents would consider you over protective re the not playing out).

But there’s no evident of current neglect. Mandy is allowed to play outdoors ‘when it is beginning to get dark’, and more freely than the OP allows her child to, but that doesn’t necessarily suggest more than different styles of parenting.

There’s no culture of ‘playing out’ where we live (on a main road), but a friend lives on a cul de sac on a housing estate with a big green right outside, and her ten year old is out there literally all the time, playing with other children from around, who also knock for him all the time. My friend just sends the kids away if he’s not allowed out at a particular time, if he’s doing homework or they’re eating , or it’s too late etc.

Mandy sounds like a sad little kid. I’d let her come to play at your house but make sure she knows in your house, it’s your rules - and at 4pm you walk her home to her mum’s house.

Maybe once a week you let her stay to tea or have a sleepover one weekend?

And the OP has only just moved to this cul de sac. It may simply be that she’s not used to the culture of children knocking for hers all the time. We grew up on a dangerous main road, and if we were visiting cousins who lived on a big housing estate, we were absolutely fascinated by neighbouring children continually knocking for them, and our aunt just saying ‘Not now’ and shutting the door.

Whatever you decide re boundaries and house rules is up to you OP. I would add that it is always easier to 'soften' the rules later on if you feel more comfortable than to back track.