Really sick of dh.

[muffinmaclay7]

I’ve come to work in a terrible mood today after dh being a total arse again. When we met he portrayed himself as such a kind and loving man but in reality he is arrogant and self centred. He has no patience and can be very aggressive and shouty in his behaviour at times. There is too much to go into here but the reason I’m so cross this morning is because my ds14 (from a previous marriage but Dh has been in his life since he was 4) is off school sick. He’s fine to stay on his own but as Dh works from home I asked him to just keep an eye on him. His response ‘I’m not here to fucking babysit I’m working’.

To be honest this comment is one of many. He can be nice (usually when he’s got a beer down him) but he has such a cold, angry side too. He creates drama and atmosphere in the house sometimes.

I am seriously rethinking the marriage but logistically id be screwed. I work but earn a fraction of what he does. We have no family support so it’s a struggle with our kids as it is but without us working as a team I really don’t know how I’d manage childcare (we have a younger dc together).

He genuinely isn’t all bad but lately this angry unpleasant side of him is rearing its head more and more. We don’t get a break and we are both stressed and probably don’t make time for each other. I just don’t know how to move forward with it. If money were no object and I had more support I might have more options.

Sorry for the rant I’m just really pissed off and fed up with it today.

Have you actually had a direct and clear conversation with him and asked why exactly he has changed so much?

If ever I explain how his behaviour is upsetting it either turns into a row or he becomes defensive and sulky. He can’t take criticism.

I think part of the reason for the change is that since we had our youngest we literally never get a break. Life is stressful but it isn’t an excuse to act like he does. He can turn on the charm at work or for people he perceives to be important which I guess is what he did with me when we met.

“He can’t take criticism.”

Yeah no man can. That isn’t a reason to back down though.

You will get someone on here in a minute suggesting he may be 'depressed.' @muffinmaclay7 But in reality, when men start behaving like this they rarely are. Many men seem to go through this awful grumpy, miserable, moany-man phase, and sadly, it lasts for some years with some men.

I have no idea why some men are like this, it's like everyone (in the home) has to walk on eggshells around him, and is afraid to speak in case he bites their head off. It's always 'work' or they feel 'a bit quiet' and don't want to talk, and don't want disturbing, like the terribly important Kings they are.

NAMALT of course, but many men are like this at some time during their life. Come home from work in a mood, get up in a mood, come in from seeing their mates or their extended family in a mood, etc etc, and no-one ever finds out why. I have never known any woman behave in such a manner.

Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride, unless you take him to task NOW and say you are not going to stay in a marriage with a husband who is grumpy and snappy all the time, and has such dark moods, or NO REASON! Like, really be stern with him. Only other thing I can think of is he's having an affair and trying to cause arguments so he has an excuse to blame you for his affair.

Good luck. I don't envy you. It's really hard living with a man who is like this. Do NOT put up with it!

.
.

• FOR no reason, not OR no reason. (Left it too late to edit!)

.

Well it is abusive to be talking like this on a regular occurrence.
Do you challenge him when he said it today? Like "I asked you to check in on DS who is ill, it's hardly a hardship and why are you talking to me like that?"

I was rushing myself as well and frankly couldn’t be arsed with him. So I just instructed my sick child to contact me if he needs anything and left without saying another word to dh. If id challenged him it would have probably erupted into a row as he can never accept that he might be in any way unreasonable. Granted the mornings are always stressful in our house but there’s just no need for it. He cannot cope with stress without acting and talking like a yob. A far cry from the intelligent professional man he thinks that he is.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnywayyou have described him to a tee and it’s comforting to know that it’s not just my dh to behaves like this. I don’t think it’s an affair although I do sometimes think that if the opportunity presented itself to him he probably would since he’s clearly so deeply unhappy with his life. The way I feel at the moment I’m not sure if even care.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway (NAMALT cavet on place) I see this very occasionally with Mr Monkey. I think it is because many men, particularly men of a certain age, process all uncomfortable or difficult emotions as anger.

So stress, pain, anxiety, sadness all come out as aggression and anger.

Well the bottom line is you can’t continue to live like this and just ignoring it will make everyone miserable.

You need to sit down with him in a non confrontational manner and tell him that you’re not happy and you know he isn’t either. Tell him you want to be happier as a couple and family and you want him to want it to. It sounds like therapy would be the only answer here to actually see some changes.

If he refuses or doesn’t want to engage in even talking about change then you are being given no choice but to split.

When you say you never get a break, what do you mean. Working lots of hours, no holidays or just don't know how to relax?

I'd bribe the 14 year old to have the baby for a few hours so you two can stay in bed Sunday mornings or whatever it is that would give you the feeling of having time off.

As in we never get a break from the youngest. So we don’t go out as a couple. Or really spend any other time together except for an hour in the evenings when dc are in bed. We are not really romantic anymore. A fault on both our parts but a vicious cycle when he behaves like this and it makes me even less likely to want to be lovey dovey with him.

You say that life is stressful, particularly mornings but there is a lot you can do to change that and make things calmer. How old are your children?

Same here, very occasionally. I won’t tolerate it, so he gets both barrels back. I’ll tell him to pack it in, to stop catastrophising, stop being ridiculous - whatever is needed. It always works.