To finally leave

[TakingMyPeaceBack]

Long one so hear goes.
Myself and DP have been together for almost 15 years. We have 2 DC and another one on the way (unplanned but welcomed).
We have had a very turbulent relationship since we welcomed our first son 8 years ago, but I have always ended up staying as he had redeeming qualities, he doesnt cheat, lie, isnt controlling when it comes to things like where I go and what to wear, and I always felt for the most part that despite the bad times he was overall a good egg. We suspect he has OCD and is most definitely on the spectrum whereas I have ADHD tendancies. Basically on paper we are not compatible at all but i guess opposites attract! He is also a lot older than me.
I don't want to drip feed so I am trying to get as much out in the op as possible. It started when our first child was born, He is incredibly over protective of the children and obsessed with diet, has repeatedly told me he doesn't trust me fully with the kids, he constantly criticizes my housework, driving, ability as a mother, basically everything. i cook for us every night and do all the school runs, house work etc as currently he is working full time and i am not working right now but usually I am a Beauty therapist.
It has got worse now i am at home and he is working full time. Every day he accuses me of 'Lazing around all day'. Now admittedly i do spend some time online so he has a point but i get everything done i need to, he things i am not doing enough despite being pregnant and sometimes tired.
He is always asking for my phone useage, goes through my internet history, and the other day when we ended up having a huge row he even said he had considered installing secret cameras to keep an eye on me!
Things have been bad since just after xmas, we argued because he didn't want the children eating their xmas chocolate but i forgot to put it away so they helped themselves, it was not much, but he moaned at me again. At this point I lost it and tried to grab it all to put it in the bin, he then shoved me back quite hard which really shook me up.
We split a few years ago but he profusely apologised saying it was all his fault. I went back, but later on when I asked If he meant it, he said he just said it to get his family back as he hates the idea of the children growing up in a 'broken home'.
We emigrated to europe 5 year ago and live in a long term renovation which has utterly ravaged my mental health but I try to remind myself it is our house and better than renting in the UK.
my mum also lives in the same country but a couple of hours away.
This week i have felt so low as things aren't right, he constantly snips at me, calling me fat in front of people, saying i'm not good at anything, then the other evening after yet another little dig and yelling at me for doing the fire wrong, i asked him, 'why are you acting like you don't even like me'? to which he replied 'what's there to like'?
honestly I am just so done. Everything is always my fault, he is mr Perfect, Even my eldest from a previous relationship notices and says we have a really unhealthy relationship. He blames my outbursts on PMT when he has upset me.
A few years back, i will never forget, i was driving a hire care in a foreign country, not used to the right side of the road, and i made a wrong turning, he got so angry with me he started thumping the back of my seat, with my mum and son in the car.
Honestly When i think of all the things, it is all just so wrong. I am heart broken.
I have 2 options, return to the uk and try to get social housing, or stay here as my 8 year old is well settled in the country we live, i love it too, can have a better quality of life here and myself and my mum buy a larger property where we can all live comfortably.
All i want is for myself and my children to grow up in a peaceful home with no more blazing rows.

Hello,

You are living with someone who has physically assaulted you. He has been violent - thumping car seat in from of both your mother and child. He is fine to abuse you and do it in front of witnesses.

This is, and will escalate.

Suggesting watching you on CCTV to control your activity is abusive and coercive.
Denegrating you is verbal abuse.

Please protect your children from this abuse - your son is already clearly impacted by witnessing this over a long period of time.

If not for yourself, for the children, get him out of your house.

Unfortunately the house is in his name, so i have to leave

He’s abusive. Abuse comes in all forms and he is hitting a lot of them.

This is domestic abuse and I'm so sorry you are suffering and have been for so long. All the insults and emotional abuse must have had such an impact on you and its brilliant that you are still able to write in and start thinking about leaving. Please do make a plan and leave. I would suggest you start by calling a women's or domestic abuse charity in the country you are living in to understand the system where you are and what it might be like to leave your husband- eg whst suppost would be available. Also a good idea of course to understand the financial aspect of it, eg could you get a job where you are? Could you start looking now?

That conversation might help you decide whether to stay in the country you are living in or come back to the UK. Just one more thing to mention on that decision. Since your 8yr old is well settled in the country you are in, you would need your husband's permission to move your child back to the UK. Without it, your husband could use the Hague Convention to try to have your child returned to him. https://www.gov.uk/guidance/international-parental-child-abduction

The law was designed for good but is used by abusers for exactly this so worth you knowing about it.

All the very best.

I think teaming up with your mum to provide some continuity for your son sounds a good idea. You need to get out of this marriage - it is not healthy for any of you.

Find the strength to move on but be careful because things can escalate with men like this when they sense you have had enough.

Are you married?
Have you taken legal advice?

No we are not married thank god!

Go to your mum, and then longer term decide on a plan. But get yourself away from this man and remember any words he uses to try and get you back are meaningless. He will not change.

Please leave this horrible man. He is treating you terribly , and teaching your children this is how to be in a relationship. Your plan to go to your mum is a good one. Even if it comes from his anxiety, he had a chance to learn to control it when you left last time but he doesn’t see the need. It won’t get better.

You have two kids and are pregnant with a third with a man you aren't married to whom you have broken up with at least once since you had the first child, who doesn't trust you and is controlling and who assaulted you while you were pregnant?

Presumably you're really positing on here for support as you must realise this is a shitty situation for you and your kids? Do you need encouragement or practical advice?

You and your children are victims of domestic abuse. This is impacting on your children more than eating chocolate at Christmas. You all need to leave as soon as you can.

Agree with the other posters - he is abusive, there are several red flags and I don’t envisage this getting better. He is spying on you, controlling you, is verbally and physically abusive. Unfortunately if the house is in his name and you are not married, you are quite vulnerable financially. Can you see a lawyer?

Please leave. Check the rules in the country you are living in. In my home country in Europe the house goes to the parent that raises the child (usually the mother). So if you split up and you keep the child then you can stay in the house, the child’s home, until the child is 18. It doesn’t matter whether you are married or not or who owns the house. Please do check before leaving.

to be honest I won't have a leg to stand on with his house. Back when he bought it, you didn't need a company to purchase property here but that changed after Brexit. However myself and my mum joint own a company which her apartment on the coast was bought which is where she currently lives. The value has gone up a lot in 4 years. I believe i am the sole shareholder of the company, so in the long run financially i am okay and we can buy a bigger place.

I would secretly seek legal advice re leaving. Use a public library phone and computer since you are being watched. Are you legally a common law wife from cohabitation and entitled to 50% of house ?
Then take the children and go to your mums. You could live together very happily free from this abuser. This man not a good egg.
save your children from growing up in abusive home.

You need to leave him to protect yourself and your kids. You don't want them to grow up thinking it's ok for their father to treat their mom like this. Have some self-respect. Seek local legal advice asap.