To not want to see my partner more?

[Hippmantookitfoot]

I’ve been away this weekend. My friend was talking about her daughter getting married next year, and said she thought it was odd her daughter and her fiancé only see each other twice a week at the moment and didn’t want to spend more time together.

I see my boyfriend every other week or so. We’ve been together for years and are in our 40s. Very happy, trust him completely, really look forward to seeing him.

My friend was saying it’s odd and I should want to see him more. She kept suggesting ways of how we could do it (see each other during the week for dinner, cinema etc). I don’t want to, and she said she thought this was strange and started going on about finding someone to settle down with.

I agree that it’s unusual, but I think it’s fine if we’re both happy. When I do see him, we do a quiz, play darts, see shows, watch films etc, then stay at each other’s house until early the next afternoon. I always have a thoroughly good time. I can’t see him every weekend because he or I have plans with our friends too. I’m not keen (and he wouldn’t be either) on seeing him during the week because we both have to be up early for work and he likes to go to bed much earlier than me (except when I’m with him then we both stay up very late usually).

We’ve vaguely discussed living together in the past but are both happy in our own houses. Maybe we’ll change that in the future but not imminently.

AIBU to think it works for us so it doesn’t need to change?

Your relationship sounds absolutely ideal to me!!!

You have landed on a formula that suits you both. Be wary of changing it based on someone else's view of what should happen

I don’t think I’ve ever had a poll say 100% YANBU. Pleased it’s not just me who thinks it’s fine.

As long as both you and your partner are happy, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I live with my partner but we spend quite a bit of time apart - and we’re both very happy with it. You do you - you do not need to justify it to anyone else.

You and you partner are happy and that’s all that matters. The issue would only be if he wanted to see you more and you didn’t, but you both seem on the same page!!

Everyone is different

Sounds great to me!

Your friend sounds opinionated and someone that thinks there's only one way to do things!

It sounds like you have a really good relationship. If it works for you then carry on exactly how you are.

@Hippmantookitfootthe bigger question is why are you questioning yourself based on your friend’s values and world view? Equally, why does it matter to you what us Mumsnetters think?

Just musing on a Sunday evening!

Course you're not being unreasonable, if you're both happy then that's all that matters.

If one of you wanted more time, it would be a problem but you’re both happy with the way things are and that’s all that matters in a relationship! It might look strange to the outsiders or people who would have different expectations in their own relationships but as long as it works for both people in the relationship, that’s what matters!

Thank you. We are happy. It’s not the first time I’ve had snide comments and ‘it’s not even a proper relationship’ comments.

I absolutely would love more time. I miss him and cant wait to see him. But I want it to be quality time, not a quick dinner. So it’s every other week. We’re away for a weekend next month and I can’t wait.

YANBU at all. Your set up sounds perfect to me.

Comments about it not being a proper relationship are just sad and usually come from insecure people who make their relationship their whole identity and seem sewn to their partner.

That type of relationship makes me claustrophobic just thinking about it.

Real friends wouldn't pass shitty comments like that.

I agree with pp that it's absolutely fine if both sides are happy and of course it's still a relationship.

I would think it was odd if you were planning on getting married soon. However it would be none of my business 🙂

Are you sure he doesn't have a wife and kids somewhere? Genuinely, I'd wonder, if a man was so unavailable. You say you'd love more time.

If it makes you happy, great. It wouldn't make me happy.

I do think if you want to see someone enough, a 'quick dinner' is an opportunity you both would take. What does 'quality time' mean?

I think for you and your partner its fine, slightly later in life, both happy in your own homes and spending quality time rather than quantity time with no intention to live together if you are both happy with that then great, works for you, perfect!

I do think your friend is right about her daughter though, if you’re about to get married, presumably live together and potentially have children then only seeing each other twice a week is a bit odd and would worry me. Mainly because the version of someone you see only twice a week is not necessarily the person they are 24/7 and I’d say its pretty important to know the 24/7 version before you get married to them.

I am 100% sure. We went to school together and then worked together in our early 20s. We were very good friends then, and eventually got together and were on again off again throughout our 20s (working abroad, meeting new people etc), until finally settling down in a relationship in our 30s. I stay at his regularly. He hasn’t had so much as a girlfriend who isn’t me for nearly 20 years.

For me, quality time is enjoying a night together and waking up together with no pressure of work or anything interrupting our time. I love seeing him, but I’d rather wait than have him come round for dinner and leave after an hour or whatever. We do communicate multiple times a day.

Do you mean a couple of days every two weeks? So go to his on the Saturday morning and go back home on Sunday night or Monday morning? This would be my perfect relationship! Maybe with the odd week night (dinner) in between now and then but no more than that

No, I go to this on the Saturday afternoon or early evening depending on what we’re doing, and go home on the Sunday afternoon. I’d never spend two nights there.

If you’re happy in the relationship then she was overstepping to try and persuade you to change something that’s working.

I get her point about her DD though. If they’re going to marry they should really live together to see if they can cope with each other. It’s expensive to divorce if they’re incompatible and they won’t know if they don’t spend more time together.

Doesn’t give her the right to try and tell you what to do. Or her DD, she’ll find out in time. And may be posting on here about how awful her new husbands habits are. Or not.

@Hippmantookitfoot apologies, my question was intended as deep and philosophical, and just for you to ponder.

Agree with others that all that matters is what the two people in the relationship think. And both are on the same page.
Nothing else matters.
I like that in 2026 we can have whatever relationship we like, and that more people are choosing to live apart. Because that is what causes issues a lot of the time.. living together, losing sense of self, no excitement, monotony and resentment.
The options nowadays aren’t just single and married living together.