Am I being unreasonable? How do I move on?

[Kardelen]

When I had both my babies, my first birth was very traumatic.

however what was worse was my mother in laws treatment both times. I had a lot of complications with my first baby unfortunately and was in hospital for over a week. It was Covid times.

I still remember it like yesterday how my mil and the rest of the family treated us.
i went through postpartum depression because of my mil.

fast forward a few years now, my mil’s other daughter in law had a baby. She also had some sort of complications.
however the treatment she gets is totally different. my mil and everyone else went to visit, rather concerned.
she called me asking if im also gonna visit.

so I brought this up to my husband, how I was in hospital with my baby for over a week and no one gave a crap.

and then he got annoyed at me saying I should let go. but I just can’t. And I don’t know how to!
my husband now also suffers from anxiety/depression so we are currently going through another difficult time. So he has been quite snappy at me, and snapped at me again because I brought these feelings? which I normally don’t discuss with him so that he doesn’t he affected.

but is it normal to be able to discuss these feelings with a husband? Shall I not discuss with him if he has mental health issues?
how do I move forward? Would you be able
to? Without any closure or apologies from
the in-laws ?

I think your feelings are very valid. 100% so, and it is natural for them to resurface given the hypocrisy of how your SIL is being treated.
Your DH probably feels like when you say something negative about his mum that you are saying something bad about him.
I think communication is really important. Look up 'I' sentences used in couple therapy. It's a safe way to share how to feel and the other person should try to listen rather than feeling defensive. I would be upset not being able to talk to my partner about my feelings, especially around the birth of our child. But then with it being so close to home, maybe that is something you save for a friend and hopefully you feel you can talk to your husband about your other feelings.

What sort of relationship do you want to have with your MIL going forwards? Start from there. Choose what makes you comfortable. Pregnancy and childbirth and postpartum are vulnerable times, and often the treatment we receive then can stick with us for a long time afterwards.

As you say, your birth experience was during CoVid times: nothing was normal during that time, so people wouldn't have flocked to see you.
Your MIL didn't cause your PPD.
If you are unable to let go of these feelings on your own, might therapy be an option?

Surely they couldn't physically visit you though during covid times? I understand your hurt, but is it possible your husband downplayed your injuries to his family at the time (potentially by accident)?

Your MIL didn't cause your PPD, it's a hormonal response. She might have added to your emotions but she didn't single handledly cause it.

Of course you should be able to talk to your husband... but if he's got his own mental health issues then he's obviously taking it a bit to heart.

This

I spent Christmas in hospital during COVID opposite a woman with terminal cancer who wasn't allowed any visitors even on Christmas day.

Despite the fact that she was extremely distressed and inconsolable about the fact it was her last Christmas and she couldn't see her husband or children for even one second.

Nobody could visit during Covid lockdowns, so of course things will be different with a baby born outside of those times.

PPD is an awful experience and I am so sorry you went through it. But it isn't caused by horrid mothers in law! It's primarily hormonal, though can be exacerbated or prolonged by traumatic birth, stress, isolation, etc. There is no doubt that women who gave birth during Covid experienced more of those things. Your mother in law may well be a perfect dragon, and you are entitled to feel angry at how she treated you, but she alone did not have the power to cause your illness.

What do you want from these conversations with your husband? Do you just want to vent and for him just to listen and provide validation? Do you want him to change his relationship with his family? Talk to them? Try to get an apology from them? Do you want to not see his mother any more or would you like your relationship to change? How do you see this situation moving forward?

I agree with this and would suggest that you reflect on the hurt that you are choosing to inflict on someone in the present because you can't let go of what happened in the past.

Goodness that is horrific

Sorry you had such a bad birth experience. Would they even have been allowed to visit during Covid times though?

As others have said, PPD is largely caused by hormones so I don’t think you can put the full blame for that on your MIL.

Yes, it was. It still upsets me.