To try and make marriage better while I’m in it

[ZebraStripes123]

I know it feels like the best advice is “leave” but it feels so complex and rock and hard place. We have two kids and we are a close family. The kids are struggling with some anxiety issues which I’m PRAYING isn’t made worse by tensions at home when his behaviour changes. Things are great and lovely a lot of the time but I am naturally carrying resentment. I truly just want to play this out for the best way for my kids. I’m not sure the answer is separating now when he could be more difficult as a coparent and definitely finances would then be a difficult factor.
I’ll give you an example of his behaviour. Everything had been fine all day. One of the kids is finding school and friendships really hard. She got upset about this. He finds stress and sad/negative feelings difficult to manage. He wanted to comfort her when she started crying and told me to “can you leave us mummy so I can comfort her” - with an edge to his voice. I said, lightly and finding it odd to want to tell me to go: “oh I’d like to stay and have a hug too”. He said “no mummy, can you go”. She said “don’t talk to her like that” which broke my heart as she has said that a couple of times when she sees he isn’t being reasonable/nice. He then mouthed aggressively to “just go! Leave!” - so I left as I felt like it wasn’t going to help her, she would have known he was mouthing something. He then stayed and tried to cheer her up. I was just massively confused and she was as well by why I had to go and he was suddenly being like that towards me, it didn’t make any sense. He then carried this on outside the room when it was just us and said random stuff like “oh it’s never your fault is it”. Once his mood passes, he tries to be really nice but still feels the same that he wanted to comfort her and I should do what he tells me to do. He’s being diagnosed with ADHD and is keen to try meds (he’s also on sertaline now for anxiety) but I’m not sure if meds will help this kind of illogical/angry mood switch.
I don’t feel leaving will help the kids as they love their family, they really do, and even though he does take his mood switch out on them sometimes, they overall would want us to stay a family. I also know what I can afford for them would change a lot, and he may be difficult with me/them as a coparent too. Can anyone suggest anything (he doesn’t believe therapy helps as tried that ages ago). I just don’t know how to play this for the best for the kids! I am not unhappy day to day as he’s generally in a decent mood - but I definitely wish I’d picked someone else to do the family thing with. I’m worried the kids know that too as I also don’t want to normalise his moods and have been honest with them in a way I hope is ok.

Also - the part I really don’t like - if I’d been difficult back when he’s in that mood, he gets worse and worse. You shouldn’t have to be on eggshells when someone is in the wrong mood. Like I said though, I’ve got to weigh that up against how difficult separating would be with kids this age (10 and 11) as he would resent me for it.

Ah come on now...giving in this environment would give anyone anxiety and you are deluding yourself thinking otherwise.

The example, you've given, in isolation is strange. Why couldn't a father comfort his child alone? It doesn't need your supervision.

That said, given the rest if your post, I suspect there are other less questionable examples.

Look before I read the OP i was like well you can control some aspects so maybe.... then I read your post.
Yabvu.

He is clearly the issue.
He wont do therapy. He wont discuss it.
he wont meet you halfway and he is aggressive moody and controlling/overseeing your relationship with your own children.

Children dont know what they want - you as the adult need to show judgment for them.

A home environment where everyone is on eggshell is not what's best and you are kidding yourself if you try and pretend otherwise.

Who cares if he resents you.
He resents.you now? If he gave that much of a shit about the damily breaking up he'd try therapy / doing something anything to try and improve the situation vs blaming you.

@AwfullyGood I did think is this a bad example but I also feel it shows how random the mood switch is. A stressful situation, nothing to do with me, and he tried to control it and was nasty for a random reason? I just happened to be there comforting her as well and no one could see why I had to go apart from him - he’s just really unpredictable in what he will get angry about. I could give a load of examples but he can be great one day about a big problem, then totally unreasonable and nasty randomly about a small issue - even if just one he’s created?!
I do think the kids have some very functional neurodiversity going on and that particular child is happier at home than in school which I guess you wouldn’t expect if it was due to anything at home. So I really hope it isn’t causing any emotional issues for them - it isn’t how their dad should be though, and not nice for them when that mood hits him.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp I don’t care for my sake if he resents me BUT it would be very unpleasant for the children if he resents me? I’m aware it doesn’t solve the problem if we separate as they will still have a close relationship with him (and I wouldn’t try and stop that of course). I do worry he’d be really difficult financially though as money would be tighter and that would be hard for the kids. It’s also emotionally though - eggshells are still there?

Do you not think it's causing issues and anxiety for you? Living with a man who can turn in an instant and make the atmosphere really tense.

It you notice it and find it tough even with the benefit of maturity and adult level coping skill, how on earth do you think your kids aren't impacted by it. Of course they are. Yes, other things may also be contributing to their anxiety, but this definitely is.

Look your kids will be teenagers soon forming their own opinions.

if you want to support them you give them stock phrases.
"Dad its not appropriate to bad mouth our mum. She doesnt say bad things about you."
"Please stop talking about mum. I want to us have a nice time together amd this is making it unpleasant" etc.

Ultimately they need to navigate that. Its their relationship not yours.

Custody also wont be much of an issie due to age you'll only be walking on egg shells if you want to / choose to.

Your children also need to learn relationships are 2 way streets. If their father is being an arsehole they can choose to engage less.

You have power and choices too...
Exercise it.

How often does he get these moods ? Once in a blue moon or every week?
Does he recognise that he gets these moods ?
What would happen if you said, oh no here we go again, dad is getting into a mood...

Have you spoken to him about it when things are happy ?

@LeavesOnTrees I would say once a month as a rough average. Smaller mood swings in between but brings himself back quickly. A lot of the time, he’s cheerful, sadly a high percentage, which is why I stayed so long. Low mood sometimes too though.

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp I don’t know, you hear about toxic coparenting situations don’t you? Kids put in the middle, financially punishing, knowing one parent isn’t being amicable? Wouldn’t it be the same for them with added logistical and financial pressure?

You should think about talk this through with a therapist in real life.
They may be able to either:
Give you effective coping strategies or help you navigate a way to separate.

Once a month with a few smaller ones in between is a lot though.

What was his parents' marriage like ?
Basically, he needs to recognise he's having these moods and make an effort to improve or realise he will lose you.

What was his reason for asking you to leave? I can't imagine my DH doing that if one of our children were upset, did he think you were making her upset worse? Does he think he's better at giving comfort?

I honestly think the disharmony and his behaviour towards you is bound to cause your children confusion and anxiety. You're also setting them the example of what a relationship looks like - and that is not good if one parent is walking on eggshells around the others moods.

Ok so adhd. If im unpicking his behaviour, my dh put this to me in similar situation.

Could he feel inadequate at comforting children/meeting needs and feel you would swoop in and prefer you or that your judging his parenting? I never saw it like this but myself and dh talked a lot and this came out. He needed me to give him space to try but he wasn't good at communicating that.

The thing is, these replies are all thoughts going through my mind. But the reality is also my kids want us to stay as a family, so is it better to separate that AND still have the same problem (by problem, I mean ‘him’ and his behaviour)? It’s so easy to say “oh divorce” - but the kids will want to see him? They are great kids and love both parents despite noticing his behaviour. Of course there is the valid point of setting a bad example of a relationship by staying with him, and that weighs heavily, but also I don’t know if it’s great to set an example of me pulling the plug when they don’t want that and it makes life harder in other ways?

And @Hankunamatata yes I suspect something like that going on. I truly feel his head doesn’t come to the right conclusions and is wired badly though.

Your DC are 100% impacted by this and staying together can often be more damaging. It was for me.