H cheated, divorced me, forced sale of family home and disappeared. Really really tired.

[SimpleJoe]

I went through a messy separation after my ex cheated, passed on an STI, and then we went through a horrible divorce. I ended up representing myself in court for all hearings (no money for a solicitor). It was exhausting and incredibly stressful. The family home has to sadly be sold, and I’m managing the whole process on my own. My ex moved abroad and quit his job, so there’s no CMS and his new country of residence has no Remo agreement with the UK.

I've found myself the sole caregiver for our 6 yo. He hasn’t seen or spoken to his dad in almost a year, and it breaks my heart seeing him so upset and crying over it. On top of that, he has health issues, so we’re in and out of hospitals a lot.

I work 2 jobs, both in teaching and tutoring just to afford life and hopefully buy a new home for me and DS. The hours are never guaranteed, which makes everything feel even more unstable. Last year, I went 6 months with no work at all in my HE role due to all the cuts, so I’m constantly on edge about whether I’ll be offered shifts. To have any sense of security or stability in my career long-term, I need to do another degree, which I’m also trying to plan on top of everything else.

All this stress has started affecting my body and I've had stomach problems, scans, hospital appointments and I’ve made a couple of silly mistakes at work because I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and now I'm worried, they'd terminate my contract.

Finding a suitable home has been another battle. I’ve been searching for months and every place I like gets snapped up before I can even view it.
I’m single, carrying everything alone and no chance of getting in a relationship because of all this mess in my life, although I do wish I had someone to share things with. I barely see friends because I’m always working. My mum is supportive, but I hate feeling like I’m constantly burdening her.

I live in a constant state of anxiety and tiredness. My mind never switches off. I’ve noticed memory loss issues too. It's also hard not being able to tell anyone how I truly feel and because of the nature of my people-facing role, I have to be positive, cheerful, and put on a front every day.

Honestly, I’m just really tired. And some days I don’t even know what to do anymore to feel better or improve my situation.

I feel like I’ve lost my spark and my life is nothing like I imagined it would be.

AIBU to be angry with ex-I feel it is because of him, he has turned our lives upside down while he’s living it up in an exotic country. I’m left to live in what feels like hell. I feel like life will never get better. It has been rubbish for a couple of years, and it’s been one nightmare after another.

YANBU to be angry but it wont help you. Your anger wont chabge anything, your anger wont impact him - hes still off living the life of Riley. Your DC is going through this, seeing your mood, how are they being impacted too? Your ex doesnt give a flying f'*£... So no, YANBU to be angry; but where will it get you? How does anger make your life or that of your chikd any better?

Its wasted effort that could better be spent looking at how you can make your own life and yoyr child's life better.

I'm sorry, that sounds awful and your ex sounds like a dreadful person. Did you get your fair share of the money from the house sale?

Do you work in HE? Could you look for any other part time roles at the place where you are, but that are admin not people facing? So that you are bringing in more money overall but without it being so draining?

Your ex doing all the stuff he did is a catalyst to all your troubles right now in a sense. So i can see why you would be mad at him.
However just dwelling on this will get you nowhere.

Concentrate on bettering your life for you and your son. The first couple of years after a break up is always the hardest especially if you were blindsided and was not expecting it. You will soon get into your flow and slowly, slowly everything will fall into place and things will get easier.
Do not be hard on yourself and just ride it out until it gets better. Stress affects you physically and mentally so try not to stress as much, just go with the flow. Easier said than done i know, but be good to yourself.

Oh OP that sounds infuriating and enraging.

It is natural to feel anger - so use that anger constructively (it does tend to give you energy, after all)

Concentrate on one thing at a time? I wonder if doing another degree will be useful, are there other, less time intensive qualifications you could do?

Lone parent for many years here, I really do understand the anxiety. Couple of things, yes you have a right to be angry but I don’t think it’s going to serve you well. Everyone knows he’s a prick. My ex also absconded to a far east country, no contact or money in 15 years.

Please try and get snippets of time where you get to rest. Even if it’s taking a flask of tea with you and you sit on a bench whilst your DC plays in the park.

You have to prioritise job security, this was always the biggest fear for me. Once my career was back on track things became easier.

@jeaux90 Thanks so much for sharing, and I’m really sorry you went through that. I really do need a good rest and to figure out what to do about finances.

@Brefugee Thank you. It would have to be a research-based postgraduate degree which would be really intense, but honestly, it’s my only way forward.

I'll have a limited share from the house sale because the equity is quite small.
Yes, I do work in HE, and I’ve thought about looking for other part-time roles but recruitment is very limited currently due to lack of funding.

It took me a good 2 years to stop being angry about similar treatment by by ex (although I was left in a better state - no STI for a start thank god, plus I got the house)

You need to find some space. I start work at 6am, so my bedtime is 9pm, but I go up at 8 and just potter, maybe watch some TV (not facebook shorts), or read a book, or do stuff to my face. My kids are a bit older now, but I got them into a fuss-free routine (or they got themselves into one) so bedtimes aren't stressful.

It will get better. You will eventually go whole weeks without wanting to curse his name.

In the meantime, you just need to keep your head above water - you don't need to excel, just survive, until things feel a little bit easier. Make sure you take vitamins (I was very anaemic it turns out, which was helping nothing). Have easy dinners in the freezer for the days when it's too much. Stop doing anything that doesn't really matter.

Hi OP. I’m so sorry you’re going through such an awful time - I can “hear it” in your post how low you are. I went through something similar - divorce took nearly 3 years and he screwed me over financially and also pays nothing towards his children. I was never angry though - he was a dickhead, the kids know he’s a dickhead and he’ll forever be a dickhead. So I make peace with that. 😬. No point wasting your energy being angry, find ways to be happy and to look after yourself. Be your own best friend.

You have a wonderful child and a fab mum who will always adore you PLUS you don’t have him in your life anymore. I know it’s hard but try and be grateful. I give myself a big talking to if I feel a little low (completely understandable btw). Sending you love - but please know it will get easier.

I read something that stuck with me and it really helped. Anger is an emotion for activity so give it a job and use it. It sounds like in your case maybe speaking to a recruiter/career consultant about ways you could use your degree to make more money reliably could be very helpful. Channel the anger and make your life better for you and your son. You’ve been through hell. You both deserve better.

My divorce wasn't nearly as messy OP, but nevertheless it did still have an effect on my health. Have you been for a health check up lately? If not, it might be worth asking your GP to give you a check over, also, do you feel that you might be struggling more because you are depressed, if so, a course of anti-depressants might help you cope better for a while.

As others have said, at this stage, just prioritise the things that you HAVE to do, and try not to worry too much about things that in the general scheme of things don't matter that much. Also, don't feel like you're being a burden to your Mum, unless of course she's actually said something to make you feel that way? If not, the chances are that she's actually glad to be able to help where she can, but if you're worried that you're imposing, talk to her, maybe she can reassure you. Again, as others have said, these things take time to get over, and to get your life back on track, but one thing you can be sure of, is that life will be better in future without having to cope with a cheating prick like the one you were married, to.

Have the proceeds of the house sale been divvied up yet? If you possibly can, get some legal advice on whether there is any way that his share can be set off against what he owes you for supporting his child given he has buggered off.