Constantly butting heads with DH

[Sprinklesjelly]

I want to preference this by saying my DH is a good man, he works hard and provides for me and DS.

My maternity leave is coming to an end and I feel like now, more than ever me and DH are at loggerheads.

On Friday night DH went out with a few friends for a curry, something he does every 2/3 months whilst having football 2 times a week.

Yesterday he’s obviously tired and hungover and comments that I would make any other time seemed to have pushed him over the edge. Comments like, I don’t like that outfit for DS it’s a bit small, or he needs a bib on.

DH snapped at me yesterday saying I always critique him however this is something we both do to each other playfully and on any other normal day it would have been fine.

fast forward a few hours we are supposed to be going his parents for tea, I told him I’m not going and playing happy families when he’s not spoke to me all day.

I tell him he had best take our DS otherwise his parents aren’t going to see him this weekend, because I have plans today. Which he took very negatively saying, you’re saying my mum isn’t seeing DS blah blah blah.

So I tell him I’m going to come now because I don’t know what on earth he’s going to say to his parents to which he says they will already know why I’m not there because I’m self righteous. Further comments came which included he’s not happy with me, he thinks we need some time apart so I can see how good I’ve got it.

ive got 0 hobbies, I’m with the baby 24/7, apart from the occasional getting my hair done, getting my nails done.

do I ask him to help with the baby when he’s home? Yes. Do I ask him to get our DS tea sometimes, yes. Do I ask him to change a nappy here and there? Yes.

Having DS is the best thing that’s happened to us and he means everything but having a baby has 100% taken a toll on my marriage.

My DH is very much the avoidant type so even with the comments he’s made, he’s not speaking to me and I know this will go on for days, as have past arguements.

if I did try and sort things out, I end up making it worse because I end up saying something I don’t mean to try and get some sort of reaction out of him.

im just at a loss right now. I ask him for help because i need it, i dont have a village. I’m wondering if something has been said between him and the other dads when he’s been out and it’s made him think he’s doing more than he should.

I don’t really know want I want from this post.

You've recognised there is a problem.
Having a baby is hard on the healthiest of relationships. It does take a toll. Communication difficulties is obviously happening, as is some resentment it seems on both ends. I would suggest going to couples counselling so you have a safe way to communicate in a healthy manner with a referree so it doesn't escalate. It can be really useful as you learn better communication skills, you really hear each other. But you need to make sure that both of you are fully in it to make your relationship work.

Honestly, him ignoring you is called stonewalling. It is extremely unhealthy.

If it was me, reevaluate you're relationship before your child. Was it healthy then? What were the issues?

If either of you aren't willing to go to couples counselling then I don't think you're relationship will be healthy and happy. Work out the kinks now before the resentment grows so much that there is no coming back from it.

Not speaking to you for days is abusive. Does he do that to his colleagues? Friends? Other family? No. He is not a good man.

Sorry to be cynical but it seems that virtually every OP that starts off with the statement their DH or DP is a " good man" or a " good Dad" turns out to reveal the man in question is the opposite.

I agree that not speaking is abusive.

I also think it's concerning that OP is worried that his behaviour is being influenced by his friends and their opinions about their marriage. It says a lot about the type of friends he has and also his weakness if OP really thinks he is open to being influenced in this way.

'he’s not speaking to me and I know this will go on for days, as have past arguements.'

This is a type of abuse -

https://www.verywellhealth.com/silent-treatment-emotional-abuse-5219934

Tell him you spoke in haste, that you’re looking forward to seeing his parents today and enjoying the meal. And do it.
Book yourself a whole day out next Saturday and hand over the reins to him. Let him work out if the outfit’s too small or baby needs a bib.
When you’re tired and life is narrowed in those first few baby months it’s easy to take flippant remarks too seriously and feel hurt.
You both need a break OP.

I don't understand why you went. Your DH said you need time apart, so send him off with the baby and he can see how life will go without you. Going forward, he takes him on his own and you get a day to yourself. He's gearing up to withdrawing more when you are back at work and wanting it to be your fault when he eventually leaves. He isn't a good man, as said, his behaviour is abusive.

I agree with Poonaka. Build in dome breaks. He goes to football? You should get equal time to yourself with the equivalent money to spend. Ditto the “curry out” with friends. As for seeing his family? I wouldn’t bother unless he returns the favour with yours every weekend. In reality he is using you as the nanny to show off the baby to his family while doing the least amount of work.

I didn’t end up going, sorry I didn’t make that very clear.