I feel so bleak and hopeless right now.
There was financial control and recklessness, as well as some emotional abuse by my husband in our marriage after our first child 8 years ago. He went to therapy and everything got better for years and we recently had another baby.
My family can’t help with childcare, we lost all our life savings and with cost of living have not clawed our way back much at all. No house.
I had Long Covid during pandemic and was ill for years so gave up work to focus on childcare and recover.
Ive worked bits of freelance since then as much as I can but nothing meaningful income wise. Husband is high earner but works irregular, long hours so childcare falls all on me.
I’m postpartum and he’s being emotionally abusive again - to the point where I know I have to leave him. He smashed something up which scared me and he alluded to it being my fault for deregulating him and his inability to show anger in our relationship.
The final straw was him being remorseful for some cruel things he did and us booking a little holiday for summer. I was so excited. Then the next day he’s all contemptuous and telling me he’s not happy with me and feels unheard. Yes the reason you’ve been unheard is that you massively mistreated me weeks before and I’ve been recovering from that!
I’ve told a few family members now and feel there’s no going back. He has another side to him when deeply stressed that has re-emerged after a couple of big life events - namely the death of his Dad just before baby arrived.
I posted in another group and someone said grief does this and I need to ride it out.
I can’t unsee that state change and him being so cruel to me. The gaslighting he’s been doing has scrambled my brain for weeks. Nothing is his fault when he’s in this state. I’ve lost 4kg. I still love him and think I am trauma bonded because he is often so attentive and loving.
I’m still telling myself it’s his grief because he did change all those years and that I should give him a chance to do therapy and properly get a handle on his issues.
His Dad was a narcissist who punished him for emotions and he was neglected emotionally growing up. I see his potential to change and feel sad that his upbringing has given him these toxic ingrained coping mechanisms.
I live in a small town and have been isolating myself from people as I can’t explain what’s been going on, and it’s quite gossipy.
I am utterly devastated to say the least. The thought of not being with my kids on special occasions makes me physically sick. I feel I’m staring down the barrel of UC support for a long time and low paid work that will allow for being there for the kids but not give me any long term security.
He said that although our situations are different as he’s a high earner, that his devastation is similar with us separating. He doesn’t know anyone in this area and moved here from the US.
All I ever wanted was to own my own home, have security and feel safe. I am completely beside myself and already feel so depleted during this period.
I’m 42 and I feel like I’m such a failure for my kids and myself. No one will want me, nor will I put my trust into another man ever again.
I have to pull myself together and show up for the kids after all this but I feel completely hopeless like I’m in a bad dream.
Please, please be gentle with me and share some positive stories because I am feeling so low I can’t even put into words.