Relationships and age differences

[bakingmad123]

I know this is controversial… but this always really confuses me. My birth parents have a ten year age gap (got together when my mother was 14 in the 60’s), my foster parents had an 11 year age gap (got together also in the 60’s, but when she was 15). When I was 13, I had a 2.5 year relationship with someone 4 years older than me - this one was a bit abusive but.no one batted an eyelid. When I was 16 I then had a 3 year relationship with someone who was 26 when we met - again, no one commented. He was actually a very sweet man. Now my daughter is one of the oldest in year ten and her boyfriend (of two years!) is in the same year but won’t turn 15 until July l… I just feel like I’ve lost all perspective of what is okay and what isn’t? My foster parents had a wonderful marriage - my foster father died earlier this year and it was awful for everyone - no one questioned their relationship at the time (or my bio parents for that matter, or mine) but I just don’t know what to think about my daughter and her boyfriend or anyone else at the moment. Some other experiences would help if anyone wants to share!!

If you're talking purely about age and not abuse, YABU. People can date who they chose, and on average women prefer older men and men prefer younger women.

Sorry, you’re not sure about your dating a lad who is literally in her class at school? Ok age gaps at that age are a bigger deal but it’s hardly a red flag?

For the record DP is 12 years younger than me. It’s completely nuts, he is in his mid 20s and I’m in my late 30s. However, I have no plans to ever live with a man, get married or have more children. I am very upfront about that and also completely prepared that he will likely move in (if we are still together in a few years) to someone who wants those things. We’ve only been together a few months.

We hardly notice the age gap other than stupid stuff like he hasn’t seen every episode of Friends and didn’t know the dance to “Saturday Night” 🤣

That said, I don’t defend age gaps. Because there can be an imbalance of power there. If my daughter was 25 and dating a 37 year old man who had lived his life, established his career, done all his travelling and now wanted to settle down with her, I would be very concerned because it’s essentially taking the opportunities away from her. So even though I’m in an age gap relationship myself, I am cautious about it and I’m very stringent on both of us doing whatever we want to do independently of each other.

Sorry move ON. He will absolutely not be moving in!

He's in the same school year, of course that's fine.

I really don't get, and never have understood, why people are so obsessed with age gaps on MN, often to the point of making disgusted and abusive comments! My parents had a 15 year age gap (my mother was older) and absolutely adored each other .

When I was a teenager, I dated teenagers younger and older than me, and also a few older men. (24-35) They did not sexually coerce or manipulate me, and had the huge advantage of owning cars, which meant dates were much more fun, no rainy windswept walks in the dark to and from bus stops. My first husband was 5 years older than me, current one is 3 years younger. Between marriages I had short-term relationships with a guy 20 years older than me, and one 15 years younger, I don't recall ages of the others, because I never really cared.

As long as a relationship is consensual and enjoyable, you find your partner attractive, and there is no power imbalance (and legal, obviously) I really don't see a problem.

Whats wrong with your daughter dating someone essentially the same age?
A ten years age gap at 14 is very different and these days there woukd almost certainly be some grooming
It was more common in years gone by even in the 80 s I remember girls of 14 /15 having much older boyfriends but it was frowned upon
Nobody would question two people in the same year though.

I think age gaps are only a problem if the power always sits with the older person - quite commonly seen when people are younger and someone who’s a teenager is dating an actual adult. It’s not always the case as with your foster parents OP but you do have to ask what an adult wants with a teenager. It was much more common years ago though than it is now. I think as you get older age gaps aren’t as big of a deal.

When I was 17 I was dating someone who was 25 and he definitely played on the fact he was older and it wasn’t a good thing and my mum and brother were fuming about it! But now at 34 if I was dating someone who was 42 that wouldn’t be an issue. One of my best friends is 38 and her husband is 65 and they are so happy together and have been married for 10 years so it can work with the right people.

My DH is 11 years older than me - I was 28 and he was 39 when we met. We’ve been very happily married for 36 years.

My mum was 7 years older than my Dad BUT they met at work when they were at similar stages of life and I think that makes a big difference than a teenager going out with someone in their mid 20's.

I think there is something to be said for the half plus seven rule, so an 30 year old with a 22 year old would be ok, for example.

My DH was 22 and I was 34 when we met. I’d never dated a younger man before and never would have considered dating a 22 yo in normal circumstances. But we met naturally at a friend’s party and it just kind of happened. I tried to resist it becoming it serious for months, kept telling myself it’d never work, but we feel madly in love with each other. 11 years and 2 kids later and we’re still very happy. And people are shocked when they find out about the age difference- they say we look a similar age. Helps that he looks older & I look younger! I’ve always been mindful that I never wanted to “steal his youth” from him and encouraged him to travel with friends and follow his dreams. It wouldn’t work for everyone but it worked for us!

But a 35 year old with a 22 year old wouldn't? Why?

The rule seems completely arbitrary.

OP like others, I'm confused. You start off talking about age gaps but then voice concern about your daughter being in a relationship where there isn't one.

You’re overthinking this in a really weird way. There is no ‘age gap’ between a pair of school kids in the same year.

The thing that makes a relationship abusive is abuse, not the ages of the people involved.

How is someone dating someone literally in the same school year the same as dating a 24 year old man when you’re a 14 year old child?!
edited to add my parents had a 9 year age gap but they both met in their 30s.