Not enjoying motherhood anymore

[Dottyhedgehog]

Motherhood has been a bumpy ride for me - the first 4 months I was in the absolute trenches after a traumatic birth and severe reflux baby. Light at the end of the tunnel around 6 months and once my LO started walking around 11months, I began to absolutely love it. I had so much enthusiasm planning trips out, groups, meeting up with friends and their babies etc.

I adore my LO and would honestly do anything in the world for him. However as conflicting as it sounds - as my LO has grown into his self, his personality is extremely strong willed, stubborn and highly strung toddler. He doesn’t sleep through the night, wakes early everyday and a very fussy eater. He turns 3 next month and I just feel like I’m stuck on Groundhog Day. It feels like all I really do is nag, negotiate and deal with tantrums on repeat. I’m sure many people experience the same, but I have lost all enthusiasm and to be honest patience! I Finding myself snapping more and more at him and just generally wake up almost dreading the day. No energy or enthusiasm to plan days out etc.

Not sure what I’m looking for - just solidarity I guess! Haven’t got many people I can be truly honest with about how I feel!

Do you have immediate family or anyone who is helping you? Do you have any support network? The early months were lonely for me, I do feel for you.

Are they in any kind of childcare during the week?

All I can recommend is to get out of the house at much as possible.
In the winter - get him running about at soft play, go to toddler gymnastics/football/rugby etc
Send him to preschool for a few hours. Break up the day.

It’s so hard when they are crap sleepers. But it will eventually pass- but I know how it feels for it to go on for years.

In the spring I got passes to local country park play places and was out most days. Being in the house it’s like every noise and tantrum is amplified.

Oh and get a small trampoline for spring - excellent for burning some extra energy before bed or to stop a tantrum.

Don’t worry soon the weather will get better and you can send him out into the garden to play too.

I feel this so hard and have said to my partner “I actually don’t enjoy life in general right now”. And that’s fine to feel that way, it’s really hard to enjoy life when someone’s screaming at you for the majority of the day

outside of that it’s the usual fun and excitement of washing, cleaning, tidying, life admin, more washing. It’s no surprise we aren’t waking up (I use that term lightly after getting no sleep) with enthusiasm to start the day

certain points of parenting are just shit in my opinion, all we can do is ride the wave and enjoy those lovely little moments when they come. It does and will get better, until then get yourself a drink

Do you get a break? Do you use the 30 free hours childcare? That would help massively.

Could you take a step back, pick your battles let the little things go.

Well all I can say is, only one more year until he starts school! Then it gets easier lol

I also went through the sheer hell and torture of a bad birth and then a reflux babyOP. I like you then enjoyed it until exactly the point youre talking about. But then it got better again at about 3.5. You just have to remember that every bad six months gives way to something else inthe end. Ive been really enjoying him again as he heads for 4 and gets incredibly funny (also strong willed thoand a boy, so never ever sits still)
we’re sold a view that motherhood is always wonderful. Total rubbish. Like any rship u
it waxes and wains. Solidarity!

As you've already found, motherhood goes in phases. You're in a shitty phase right now but it will pass. I found certain parts of development excrutiating and didn't enjoy them at all but it does pass and I find myself somewhat surprised how much I enjoy it all again. And then that cycle completes again and I go back to 'FML'...

It doesn’t really pass, honestly. The problems just get different. Motherhood is really hard, especially with more than one. Looking back I think baby / toddler days were so easy compared to everything that’s followed so far. My eldest is 11. So take help where you can get it, childcare if it’s available and give yourself a break. It is really hard just now especially, as everyone is cooped up together in doors and it’s so miserable out. Spring will bring some positivity.

We have similar with our 5 year old dd, always been very strong willed, lots of tantrums, high energy, low sleep needs, is now on ASD and ADHD pathway. We also have a 2 year old. We get out of the house as much as possible, child friendly activities like role play cafes, bounce sessions, wildlife parks, meet up with friends with kids too. We take it in turns to get up early.

With the fussy eating- do not make it a battle just let it go and he will improve in time. My DS improved around 4.
Early wake ups- share with DH/DP, tv or phone on something low intensity while you doze.
Use all your childcare hours and get some time to yourself if you can!

Make sure you are taking vit D and keep an eye on your iron levels for tiredness.

This was DS1 word for word - a very difficult, high needs baby until he could walk and talk, then a gorgeous, albeit quite full on and intense toddler between 1 and 3. Then, over a few months round his 3rd birthday became an absolute nightmare. Strong willed, stubborn and highly strung would probably have been the 3 words I would have used to describe him as well.

Im not going to lie, age 3-5 was a total shocker to be honest. He struggled with the transition to school. We were on the verge of considering assessments for neurodiversity etc. Everyone told us year 1 would be a car crash. But around age 5.5 he settled quite dramatically. Hes still very full on and intense and will never be chill, but he’s easier to handle now. He is also extremely clever, empathetic and astute. He’s not a bother to anyone at school now - the opposite, teachers love him and he makes friends with ease. He needs a very fine balance of a lot of physical and mental exercise combined with a lot of adult attention and rest.

The best resources we found were How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen and The Whole Brain Child. My son needs extremely firm boundaries, but delivered with kindness and empathy. Shouting and threats make everything a lot worse, but equally I think if you give into these very strong willed, intense kids they can turn into little horrors. We followed a lot of sensible parenting accounts for ADHD when my son was younger - while I am now not convinced he is neurodiverse (but who knows, he’s still only very little) a lot of the parenting strategies work for him.

Sorry to say that even though things have improved he still doesn’t sleep through the night at 6 I’m afraid 🤦‍♀️

Hang on in there, you can PM me if you recognise anything I have written x

Three is a tricky age. Keep telling yourself this will pass. You'll be back to loving it again when he's in school, most likely.

My youngest is 15 now. Life is still a swing between lovely times and I wish I wasn't doing this!

It's really hard, do you have an plan for him to go to nursery? Mine went from 2 years old and it saved my sanity, just 3 half days but I was a better parent for it. He's 3.5 now and a delight (and a pain in the arse haha). He has 3 full nursery days now and I can give him my all on other days as I'm not so burnt out anymore.

I find it easier to try and avoid tantrums than to have to deal with them all the time. I do a lot of counting down to transitions (5 minutes until we leave, 2 mins etc) as that used to cause massive tantrums, telling him what's going to happen next so he's prepared, also giving choices (the red shoes or the blue ones), independence/jobs (can you help me find our car in the carpark) and distraction works great too!

Thank you everyone, honestly I could have cried reading how many people feel similar! Been feeling so guilty for feeling the way I have been. He actually starts pre school in a couple of weeks. For a few mornings a week - two of which I won’t be at work. Hopefully that might be a bit of a turning point. And roll on spring with some more sunshine!

That will be lovely - you can have sometime to yourself in the morning and then go out somewhere in the afternoon. The days will improve so much then!

That will be so good for you both! Don't feel guilty for doing some things for yourself. I try and do something for myself on one of the days my son is in nursery. Visit a friend or relative, get your haircut, anything but don't spend the whole time cleaning haha.