AIBU to search DS16's mail

[MyQuaintHedgehog]

DS16 makes money by doing tutoring. He's started ordering items online, most of the time they are from popular retailers such as amazon but sometimes they are from unknown retailers to me. There's been an influx of online orders by him recently. I've temporarily withheld his most recent package and I'm asking him to explain what he's buying. He said that I am being intrusive and it's "none of my business". I don't know how to proceed. I respect his privacy and so don't want to go through his mail however equally I am entitled to question what hes buying; teens like to experiment and push boundaries so chances are it could be something he shouldn't have. How should I proceed? Should I hand over the package to him or AIBU to at least question his purchases? I don't want to invade his privacy but equally I want to maintain safety.

What are you concerned about possibly being in there?

On the one hand if he has form for being rebellious, maybe using drugs etc. I’d understand your worry.

On the other hand he is 16, earning his own money, and in a couple of short years will be able to do as he wishes.

I would let him have his privacy unless I had reasonable suspicion that he is actually doing anything illegal or dangerous.

Edited for clarity :)

you witheld his mail? Wow, I had a nosey mother but my mail was private! Maybe try trusting him!

What are you actually worried about it being op? A fleshlight? a vape? Artificial hormones? A knife? An illegal passport? And yes I do think it matters. If it’s a sextoy then it’s none of your business. If you suspect your son is trying to purchase something illegal then that’s a little different. Why is your child tutoring if he’s invited in illegal activity?

or ( and let’s be honest) you are just really nosey.

Is there a massive backstory about why you don't trust him?

Surely you can google the retailer?

I'd ask rather than snoop if i was concerned.

You’re just beginning to destroy a trusting relationship with your ds, and moving forward into young adulthood, it will be important. I suggest you change your ways, but I don’t know how you will move forward from this stage where you have shown him that you don’t trust him, you’re willing to commit theft by not giving him his own property, and that you’re very controlling

Exactly what the last poster said.
Give it time....

Unless you genuinely believe it is something illegal leave him alone.

This lad is going to move out asap and cut contact.

He's 16, it's his own money..what are you worried about? Is he usually a good kid?

You're going to feel pretty bad about this if it turns out it's a birthday gift for you or similar scenario.

He's entitled to some privacy, unless you have reason to believe it's illicit or harmful stuff he's ordering.

Good lord. Are you unhinged?

You have a teen who earns his own money doing tutoring (coincidentally what subjects does he tutor in?) and you’re withholding his mail?

No, just no. Unless a huge drip feed coming.

Just Google where the package has come from.

Isn’t tampering with mail a legal offence.

You’ve stolen his mail.

You don't respect his privacy at all.

He's 16, he's entitled to buy his own things with his own wages. Imo it's abusive that you're withholding his mail until you know what's in it.

You really need to sort out your attitude or he will move out and won't look back, then you'll know precisely nothing about what he's up to.

Are you American? Because you’re saying mail instead of post. Don’t the US take mail tampering very very seriously? Like it’s a federal offence.

If you’re in the UK then at 16, he’s basically an adult. Give him his post. You’re acting like a right weirdo.

Is there going to be a drip feed about how last summer he set up a cannibis greenhouse in your attic and you've only just finished paying the leccy bill or something?

YABVU.

This.

Guess what it says on the outside of Postman Pat’s van?

If it was dodgy he wouldn't get it delivered to the house... or he will stop now and get it delivered to an Inpost Locker or Royal Mail locker or Evri pickup point or similar where you can't snoop!

If you're worried, Google the retailers. Chances are it's probably one of the merch sites for a streamer or the TikTok shop or similar

Nosy cow comes to mind

If my mother was searching my mail id start ordering dodgy things and giant butt plugs, religious items against hers and all sorts.

There are companies you can even use that will packages your items like “big dildos are us”

🤣

I guess earning money correlates with him being able to afford stuff. It's easy to get carried away with buying online. But I presume you have something nagging at the back of your mind? Are there any red flags around his behaviour lately?

Absolutely NOT the way to build or maintain trust OP.

I think this depends on your son. You know him. Is he likely to be getting into areas that are illegal, ethically worrying etc?

I would have concerns with one of my teens, who is bright but naive, easily led , no common sense etc. I'd not snoop but I'd be wanting to know what sort of things are being delivered to our house.

At 16 they need privacy but also support and guidance.

My dad used to mess with my post.

I still talk about what a horrendous controlling arsehole he was 35 years later.