To feel like a haggard old lady since baby number 2!

[Sadmamaof2]

Last year I had baby #2 - they're now over 1 but I have completely lost myself. I feel disgusting, I look disgusting and I'm ashamed at how I've let myself go since having children.

I've lost 4 stone since baby number 2, however that was via dietary restrictions not motivation, I've since gained a stone and feel dreadfully fat but cant stop eating. I probably have another 1 stone to lose in addition to the 1 stone I've regained. Since weight loss, I've gained so much loose skin, deep wrinkles on my face and neck and stretchmarks everywhere so don't even feel better despite being down so much weight.

I've become pretty much addicted to (non-sugar) fizzy drinks, tea and processed foods since having my children as I've become so sleep deprived (neither sleep - my husband is also wildly sleep deprived as he helps about 40%). As a result, my dental hygiene has struggled, my teeth have weakened and yellowed - and I'm so ashamed and feel self conscious about it.

My personal hygiene has taken a dive, as after work, housework and kids I literally have nothing left, so I either collapse on the bed and forget to do it, or I have such sensory aversion I shamefully skip brushing my teeth.

My mental health is trash, like rock bottom, and whilst seeking support for that I've been referred to assessment for ADHD and Autism as they believe the depression is a mix of Post partum and mis management of neurodiversity. There's a 5 year local wait list, I've tried the right to choose route, but my Dr refuses shared care and I cant afford any private prescriptions.

Tonight topped it off, as I was eating my dinner my wisdom tooth (with a filling in it) crumbled in my mouth - I'm disgusted that this has happened, and I feel so sick that I'll have potentially lost my tooth due to it rotting. It repulses me.

I keep trying to change, I try to get on top of the housework but I feel like physically cant do something as I'm so distracted, I cant seem to maintain a health diet as I cave immediately, I struggle to improve my MH (I'm medicated) as everything else builds up. I try to improve my appearance but I'm so disgusted I feel like what's the point or I struggle to keep up.

My husband works more than I, he helps with the children and house, and mine and his parents also help, we are lucky with our 'village' so its not through lack of help - its just me being physically unable to sort myself out.

Please tell me this is somewhat normal?! How do I get from rock bottom?

I feel and look disgusting, I'm only 32 - and feel like I've ruined my body through lack of care.

Not sure what I'm after, maybe advice/reassurance.

Thank you.

You can and will bounce back. It takes work, sure, but you can’t do it when you’re drained.

I was in the best shape of my life after my DC1 but my DC2 is now 3.5 and I’m just about starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Youre not disgusting. You’re so so tired and this will not last forever.

For me baby 1 was a lifestyle adjustment, but 2 was just exhaustion. You will come back. I hate the cringey social media stuff but you’ve ‘lost your pink’. If I could shout one thing at you OP it is THIS IS NOT PERMANENT. It’s not who you are, or who you’re destined to be forever.

Aw I feel the same, my youngest has just turned 2. I used to do soo much exercise and now nothing! I’m a SAHM atm with a husband who works very long hours and no family support. I would have to do a 530am class to get back in time and post bedtime at 8pm I’m done for the day! Weekends with clubs and juggling the kids there never seems to be time. Although I probably could squeeze it in at the weekend but any 30 mins I get I just want to stare at a wall 😆

I’m really really hoping it gets easier to have time for yourself in the week to have the energy to eat healthily and exercise again, I think it will once I’m back at work and youngest is school age.

You're not alone. I'm 36 - 9 months pp after baby no.2 and I'm a wreck too.

Weight sky high but I'm working to bring it down whilst still breastfeeding, worried about loose skin too but I've got to do something.

I don't sleep. Baby no.2 is dreadful every night due to teething, regression, everything under the sun. He's already woke up twice screaming since bed time and it's not even 10.30.

Forget constantly to eat, drink water, take vitamins. Walk around most days like a zombie and I'm not even back at work yet.

Got the flu at christmas and I was already so run down that I've developed a bald patch (alopecia) which has been a wake up call. Whether I can actually pull myself together is another thing.

So no advice I'm afraid, only solidarity and a virtual cuddle. One day at a time x

The way you are talking about yourself is half the problem.

Many women i know have dental issues post pregnancy.

Do go and see a decent dentist - people need dental work its no reflection on you.
My dhs wisdom tooth did the same and he has excellent hygiene and avoids sugar.

if you are london and can afford private PM me.
Mine is AMAZING truly.. I had some post pregnancy dental issues too and thry sorted me out a treat. I did a bleaching course at the end and it really helped my teeth.

Also struggling with my weight post baby 2 combined with suddenly aging 10 years facially. People always thought I looked younger than I was... now not so! And my neck is truly bad like a 60 yo.

My youngest just turned 2 and I am closer to feeling normal but honestly i felt the same and could have written similar 6m pp.
it does improve.... also i am more accepting of myself My body is just different now... its a combo of babies and being over 40 🤷🏻‍♀️

Make some small changes and be kind to yourself.

Brilliant post and nails it, thank you
Small steps and moment by moment OP. You are overwhelmed and exhausted. You are not alone

Yes I was the same. After baby 1, was walking a lot, eating well, loving life. After baby 2, no chance. Collapsed exhausted at the end of every day, relying on sugary junk to get me through work and home days, couldn't even pretend to want to exercise. Now I am very slightly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. My second baby has just turned 2. I have been running 3 times and done a few Pilates at home sessions. The crucial change is that youngest is sleeping better and the children are playing together more so I have more time to get the essential chores done with them awake so I have more free time when they're asleep. And DH and I have started deliberately splitting one day a weekend so we alternate having both kids so the other is free. Sometimes I do house tasks, sometimes I exercise. The default at weekends was to assume we would all be together all the time but that really isn't necessary. We realised we both needed some mental and physical freedom. You could try that.

Thank you all, it's reassuring to hear it isn't just me. It's just been my first week back at work, and I don't remember struggling as much.

I vowed this year I'd spend time and money on me, and I've made some progress (I've quit social media - which has helped!) but I feel guilty taking money or time out of what could be used on the kids or house on myself. I need to relearn how to be selfish a little I guess.

Thank you for the kind words

I'm not London unfortunately, I'm in the midlands - to be fair my dentist is good (and happy to flex between NHS and Private), I had a check up booked in a few weeks, I'll try to bring it forward for my own appointment.

I just can't get over how much the 2nd changes things, and how only a few years difference takes a toll on your body!

I felt the same after number 2 and didn’t feel myself until he was around 2.5. Totally lost in the mum trenches, it was survival as he didn’t sleep longer than an hr at a time. Carbs and sugar and Netflix and pjs. Then things started getting easier and I got myself back and more, and reversed any aging as I slept again! It will come.

I got back to me after about a year with my oldest but its still a WIP with.no 2

Be nice to yourself...!

Life kicked my arse between baby 1 and 2, it's very normal. I look back at pics after my first then after my second and I went from looking half decent to an absolute disgrace. I'm really embarrassed when I think about how bad it got but it was just survival. I can really sympathise with so much of what you say as I was the same and in some ways we are our own worst enemy, as we should treat ourselves better but how to do that, I just don't know. I have only just began to drag myself out of this and my oldest is almost a teen so it's been going on for years. It got so bad for me that over a certain period, I didn't brush my hair for months and the crown of my head was just this painful matted clump 😔 I remember sitting down one day and bracing myself to comb it out and it took AGES. We neglect ourselves as mum's alot of the time and it's just cruel. Another negative cycle I was in was if tell myself what a useless piece of s#it I was, id play the day over and over in my head for hours in the night and torture myself with all the ways I'd failed my kids. But a few years ago I began work on trying to fix this and as soon as any kind of self negative comments started to creep in I just say out loud STOP. And picture myself as a kid, how would it be if I was saying these horrible things to myself as a kid? That usually would stop negativity in it's tracks. I also had an operation recently that has helped to make me feel better and I'm trying to take small steps in making some little efforts like doing makeup or wearing something that I feel good in. Maybe some of these tips could help you, but if I can recommend one thing is don't neglect your skincare because I've gone years doing nothing and now I look at this haggard old jowly face and wish I'd started on the no 7 and retinol 10 years ago! I think the best thing to remember is that you are trying your best and little steps are a victory so don't give up on yourself because you are worthwhile and you will feel better - we are all works in progress!

I went through a bad dental phase and did some research. They really don’t tell you the impact of breastfeeding on your teeth and I stupidly didn’t educate myself. I had two absolutely enormous exclusively breastfed babies and my teeth have paid the price. Should have put them on the bottle and actually regret the breastfeeding now. So don’t blame yourself necessarily for the cracked tooth.

Do take the time for yourself even if it seems selfish. Because actually, looking after yourself physically= a healthy active mother who can run about soft play. A mum who role models healthy eating to her children, so important in this world of easily available junk and childhood obesity. Looking after yourself emotionally by getting space from the children for a few hours= a refreshed patient mother who is more tolerant when a child spills their drink or acts up, instead of shouting because it's one more thing for you to do.
Are you taking all the supplements you should be, esp with the teeth in mind - calcium, vitamin D, magnesium?

I have breastfed both, I didnt realise the impact either, I wish I formula fed, id likely have more sleep, less gammy teeth and less saggy boobs haha

Post partum is a very difficult time for people with nd. We can be acutely sensitive to the effects of sleep deprivation, and hormonal fluctuations.

Sleep deprivation is profoundly difficult. It makes it nearly impossible to manage a diet (our bodies crave carbs for a quick energy burst), and our resilience takes a hit making it so hard to manage the sensory aversions towards washing, brushing etc. It’s also hard to think. We can be digging so deep that we power ourselves with guilt, or rage just to get moving.

Is it possible to see a women’s health gp? Not a female doctor, but a doctor specialising in women’s health? It’s worth getting your bloods done as well.

You need to see a dentist obviously. Let them know you are struggling and overwhelmed, so they know how to support you. Getting a professional clean will go along way to help. They recommend every 6 months but see if you can go more often than that. I make an appointment before I leave because I’ll keep it rather than phone and cancel, but I will struggle to phone and make the appointment.

you have a village so ask someone to come to the doctor/dentist with you,

Is there a way to support you getting sleep? We prioritise catching up on rem sleep so one full night often makes us feel worse, as we’re doubly deficient in non-rem sleep. At 1 it might be worth considering some degree of sleep training if that’s possible? What’s happening at night?

Re hygiene - let go of preconceptions of time. Fit in what you can when you can. You can order a box of individual pre pasted toothbrushes and put them around the house, in the car so there’s a brush when you need one.,

Read, or listen, to Keeping House While Drowning by KC Davis if you haven’t already. She gets it!