15yo refusing school again and I don't know what to do

[IngeniousIron]

honestly just need some outside perspective because I feel like I’m going mad.

my eldest is 15 and in year 10 and school is becoming a constant battle. this week he’s refused to go twice, swore at me this morning when I tried to get him up and then slammed his door and wouldn’t come out. I ended up ringing school and they’ve said they’re concerned about his attitude and attendance which has sent me into a complete spiral.

I’m not being funny but I’ve tried everything. earlier nights, phone off, rewards, consequences, talking calmly, losing my temper which I hate myself for. nothing seems to stick. he just shuts down or gets sarcastic and I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall.

he’s clever, I know he is, but he’s so disengaged and I’m terrified this is going to end in exclusion or him just giving up altogether. teachers keep mentioning his peer group and I don’t even know what that means exactly but it scares me.

I’m a single mum with younger kids as well and I feel like all my energy is going into him and I’m still failing. please don’t jump on me, I am genuinely doing my best and I’m exhausted. I never said I expect school to fix everything either before anyone says that, I just don’t know where to turn next.

has anyone been through similar with a 15yo? does it get better or am I missing something really obvious??

thanks if you’ve read this far. honestly.

have you tried some sort of counselling? Is he being bullied?

There's been a couple of threads this week about EBSA. Some unsympathetic twats but mostly people that have lived through it. I'm not saying give up but sometimes the obvious battle is not the right one. Look at some Facebook groups like Not Fine In School. If he's bright, and even if he's not, school attendance is not the only route in life. I'm a teacher by the way. Good luck x

My dd was like this. Eventually got a place at a medical education team for emotional based school non attendance, essentially. Saved her sanity, and mine. Key was a letter from camhs supporting the application.

we’ve not done counselling yet no, school mentioned it ages ago but nothing ever seems to actually happen once they say it. bullying he says no but then also won’t really talk so I honestly don’t know. I’ve asked him straight and he just shrugs or says I’m doing his head in.

I’ve never heard of EBSA until this week if I’m honest, I thought it was just him being difficult which makes me feel awful reading that back. I’ll have a look at that group you mentioned, I didn’t even know there were other routes because school make it feel like attendance is everything and if they don’t go you’ve basically failed as a parent.

camhs feels impossible around here but interesting about the letter and the medical education team, I didn’t even know that was a thing. school just keep ringing me and telling me they’re concerned but no one actually tells me what I’m meant to do next.

I’m not saying I want him off school forever or anything like that, I just want him not so angry and shut down all the time. it’s reassuring hearing other people have been through it because right now it just feels like it’s only my kid doing this.

school attendance is not the only route in life
It probably isn’t, but what alternative can you suggest for op?
Allowing him to stay home and either game or hang out with his mates is definitely out.
If he hates school so much, what else is he likely to engage with?

I'm sorry OP, it's very difficult and please don't feel like you're failing - you're obviously a concerned and loving mum! The school needs to engage with him and you more proactively - have you asked about their procedures and support for the family when dealing with school refusal? It's unlikely to be just laziness and far more likely to be anxiety based refusal. Have you spoken to your GP? Can you contact the Education Welfare Officer at your local council? I hope you can get some support, both for you and your son. Sending hugs 💐

Turn it back to the school! Ask for support, ask them what they think is the reason for his refusal to attend, is there a pattern to the lessons/sessions that he is missing? Ask if there is an 'alternative to school' provision, which he might be able to access. Have they made a referral to an educational psychologist?

If he is bright and motivated he can get gcses without sitting in a classroom. It's not a binary choice between school and gaming! Ever more options for online tutoring and support and if for whatever reason he needs some time out, GCSEs are available at any point. This constant message that GCSEs at 16 are a one way cliff edge is such harmful bollocks. Again, I teach teens. I know this.

Online tutoring.
Counselling.
Camhs referral.
Doctors- get it on record.
Discuss with him a timetable for learning when he is at home. He can't just be in his room. So a designated place to work- say the dining table, but ideally downstairs. Now depending on if you're out of the house and can't support him wjth his learning, when siblings are at school for their to be time to focus on work uninterrupted. A later start if that helps, still books in breaks and lunch3s for him to do as he pleases.
Arranging meet ups with friends at the weekends. Any hobbies? What does he do out of yhe house for fun?
I know that once you get into the habit of not leaving the house it can be really hard to do so, because life is hard and meeting all those expectations can be hard after staying at home all day (I had to shield during covid and found it so hard to get back out into the school routine- I'm a teacher).
Research next steps- college open days are happening now. Look at the courses avaliable near you and see whst he does enjoy. I had a student yesrs ago who was acting the same way, he ended up being a landscaper/gardener/fencing etc, as a more hands on practical course was be something he was interested in. This young man was extremely intelligent, he now owns his own company with severap employees and does a fantastic job, and he has done is all very young and without a supportive parent. Having a goal to work towards can be really beneficial.
Also, go to the GP and get some CBT for yourself. You're having a tough time with it all, and it is completely understandable. You have to put your oxygen mask on to help others, but also doing CBT might help you understand your son and how he is struggling to articulate himself.

Not attending school is a symptom - you need to find out what is causing this.

He needs support and for you and school to work together. Phone school today and ask for an urgent meeting with the head of pastoral care.

Also phone the GP today, and also try the Young Minds helpline.

I've come across this as a teacher and in my experience, in many cases of school refusal (not all, maybe half), there is A Thing Going On that might be fixable.

For example, we had one girl who was refusing to come in, and it was because she had fallen out with a clique of girls in her form group and she dreaded seeing them each day. They worked out a workaround where she could be registered separately and miss form time and she attended most of her lessons that way.

Or sometimes we see a weekly pattern of refusal (say, refusing on Mondays and Wednesdays) and it's because a certain lesson is being avoided, eg PE or because certain classmates are being avoided.

If you can try and get him to really talk to you, there might be a way to fix it.

As I say this has been true for maybe half the school refusers I've known. With the other half it's been more complex and not so easily fixed.

So in other words, if I were you I'd:

• look back over recent weeks to check for a weekly pattern
• try to get your son to confide in you if there's A Thing (not easy I know, sometimes they actually prefer to confide in a teacher than their parents because they don't like letting you down).
• liaise with the school about workarounds. For example this might be dropping a subject or changing a set or being off-PE for a few weeks etc depending on what The Thing is.

There might not be a quick fix. But I've known cases of school refusal that could be fixed in this way (and other cases where it couldn't)

All the kids I know going through this are neurodivergent. As others have said, see if you can get an ed psych through school or see about making a referral for diagnosis through your GP. It’s long and will take years so too late for school support now. However school isn’t everything. I have a friend whose daughter did the entirety of year 11 at home studying by herself, smashed her GCSEs! But no way could she have studied at school.

Look up Dr Naomi Fisher, she has loads of information about the situation you’re in, support, guidance. She offers webinars about all aspects of it.

Start to recognise that your son is potentially in a state of permanent fight or flight due to being emotionally dysregulated. All those methods you use to try and manage his behaviour don’t work for neurodivergent kids, if he is one. If he does come out of school, even for a period of time he will likely need to just stop before trying to do any work. It takes them time to recover first before they can start doing work.

Good luck

I would arrange him some private counseling asap. Also give him motivational rewards like £20 for every full week attended? I know your not 'supposed' to do that but if you are desperate....

This is true, the school are responsible for getting your son to attend.

Some good guidance here:

https://search3.openobjects.com/mediamanager/manchester/fsd/files/emotional_barriers_to_school_attendance_guidance_access-_23_01_25.pdf

I could have written this post word for word. I have a daughter who is pretty much raising herself as DS15 takes 99 percent of my energy and thoughts.

I’m afraid I don’t have any answers. My son has been having therapy for a year because of low mood and behavioural problems but it’s only in the last month he’s started refusing to go to school and I’ve tried everything. He just calmly says “respectfully mum, I’m just not going to school this morning and there’s not a single thing you can do to change my mind”.. and what can I do. He’s 6ft tall I can’t frogmarch him down there.

camhs have been useless but this week he was diagnosed with ADHD privately. I found reading the other thread helpful, not because it gave answers but because it made me feel less alone and gave me a different perspective. I think the thread title was something like AIBU “to not understand how school refusal is a thing” . I don’t think the OP got the answers they were hoping for. It’s worth reading hopefully you will feel less alone. Even the viewpoints from people who used to be school refusers but are now happily married and in successful jobs are somewhat comforting and give a bit of hope in what is a situation that sadly you can’t really control no matter how much you worry or how hard you try.