AIBU to think there is something fishy about this?

[SoonToBePinocchiosExWife]

So, I'm going through divorce atm. Just started trying to sort financial side of things out. Since my Stbxh moved out well over a year ago things have been so much better. He's moved a fair distance away and takes our DC every other weekend (mostly). It's been fine. I've only had to see him a handful of times a month and because DC is there he has been fairly amicable. Since bringing up the financial consent order though I can see him reverting to the nasty man he was during our marriage.
When I brought up that we would have to share our pensions, and that the starting point was usually 50/50 I've gotten the distinct impression that he's very very against this. Given we have no other real assets other than a car each, the pensions are pretty much it to be split.
He's now told me a woman he knows has arranged for us to do a completely free mediation session where we will do form d81. This will be on Zoom. After, we will pay about £1000 to have a lawyer draw up the order.
I may have gotten this wrong, but is mediation normally free? And don't we have to take legal advice too? I can't see how this is any form of legal advice. Then there's the fact he's only given me too first names for the mediators. I've searched both these names in the database of mediators and one of them doesn't come up at all. The other is a more common name so quite a few possibilities. I'm also a bit dubious about the drafted consent order. Does this seem possible for £1000?
I'm very suspicious that this is an attempt to trick me into signing away the pensions.
Does anyone have experience of this? I've been advised that I'm eligible to apply for exemption from mediation, but of course that would mean refusing his offer and that would be like a red rag to a bull. Please advise wise mumsnetters!

I would get your own independent financial advice from a divorce lawyer and do not agree or sign anything before that happens.

Let him rage about it, not your problem.

Ah, the poor man doesn’t want to share his pension! As the pp advised, you need to instruct a divorce lawyer asap and start jotting down any details you can remember about his pension(s) as he’ll probably try to hide any he can.

I’m a divorce solicitor. Don’t give up your claim to his pensions or agree to a consent order without financial disclosure! I would suggest seeing your own sol who can advise what sort of settlement you should be seeking (usually 50/50 on matrimonial assets unless one person needs more to meet their needs and a pension share so you have equal retirement incomes). You can then negotiate a settlement through your own solicitors. You can go to mediation to try to agree a settlement but I’d suggest someone who is accredited. They will charge for this. However it is generally worth it when considered against assets you are potentially giving up!

Mediation is not normally free.

ask him for the details of the mediatiors.

Get your own mediators and legal advice.
I wouldn’t agree to anything over zoom with a couple of randomers.

Agree this sounds like he’s got someone to act as being a mediator, contact your own divorce solicitor, I had a free advice conversation with two.

Get your own mediator and say you want to do a session with each, don’t sign anything with these ones he’s suggested, totally agree it sounds dodgy.

My ex husband had anger issues too, well done on getting out. I was exempted from mediation due to his behaviour. Get legal advice and do not trust a word he says.

Don’t do any mediation with a unaccredited mediator. He hasn’t given their last name? Stupid behaviour. Don’t do anything while he’s not even supplying a basic level of information. He’s relying on you toeing the line. Of course it’s dodgy.

Sign and agree to nothing without getting your own legal advice from a solicitor.

If you’re exempt from mediation (DV?) let the solicitors handle it.

You’ve done well to get away from him. Don’t let the threat of his awful behaviour continue to control you.

Thank you, and the rest of you who replied too. I thought I had done quite well recovering my sense of self after he went, and I was quite shocked to see how quickly I found myself back in that scared submissive state of mind. It's yet to sink in that one way or the other we'll get through this divorce and he can't really stop that. So eventually I'll be mostly free. And when DC is older, I'll have less and less to do with handovers. I look for to the time I don't have to deal with him at all!

So, I have an update. My stbxh has told me that these "mediators" are in training and that why it's free. The woman he knows is their supervisor.
He only told me this when I asked for accreditation details.
Pretty sure he's trying it on! No way am I falling for it.
Have solicitors appointment next week.

Does anyone know if trainee mediators do give grants for free mediation or is this complete bollux?!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Now he's claiming to have told me all this already.
He definitely didn't.
And has thrown his toys out of the pram telling me that I can go and do mediation with someone else. Think he's missed that this process requires both of us.

You need to grey rock. Do you need to be in contact with him right now (visitation coming up etc)? If not just stop responding until you get your own legal advice.

Oh, a 'woman he knows'?

Fuck that.

Unfortunately I have to see him fortnightly for dc handover for weekend. I think I've been a little naive thinking we could come to an agreement re finances so I think court will be the only option. Does anyone know roughly what kind of costs I'm looking at if we go to court? Have no savings or assets and plenty of debt. Income low enough to get UC top up.

I'm not a lawyer but might be worth seeing if you qualify for legal aid.

You’ve described him as nasty- are you aware that your case might not be suitable for mediation if he has been abusive? In any event, I’d be concerned that unqualified trainees might be more vulnerable to being swayed by a more aggressive personality. And as far as I know, mediators aim to get a a position where the parties reach agreement, not necessarily to find the fairest solution. There may well be pressure on you to agree something that is actually not fair to you, just in order to get to a compromise.
Ypur starting point would be 50% of assets, and for full disclosure from both of you of what those assets and income might be. If you have debts, that is relevant and the final deal should include these, particularly if they were incurred for joint or household expenses .
If you do agree to go for mediation, you don’t have to be bound by any suggestions they make, but it might be worth going ( with a full breakdown of finances) to see how he might try to justify you getting less than you should.
You need independent legal advice before agreeing to anything, particularly anything that is less than 50%.
It’s possible that the trainee mediator might be free, maybe they need to get a certain number of hours in to qualify.

I would have thought that the 'trainee' mediators would have to carry out their work under guidance and supervision of their mentor otherwise it would be unethical. Definitely see your own solicitor first though.
If you can't agree a financial settlement, it will have to go to court to decide and they don't look favourably on anyone not doing mediation, unless there are grounds for not doing so.
My exDH and I had agreed our terms amicably (me with the help of a family solicitor - him without any) but were still called to court. They just wanted to check that neither of us were coerced and that it was indeed amicable. Thankfully it was at no cost to us.