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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you say anything to nursery?

10 replies

Bearbookagainandagain · 06/02/2026 08:01

My 4 yo is attending a council nursery-school full time. Overall we're very happy with the setting, he's happy there, developing well, etc.
The one issue we have, is a complete lack of communication between nursery and us as parents. They basically function like a school, there is no handover and we barely know what he does beyond the parents meeting 3 times a year, which lasts about 10 min.

Now to the issue: my son has been displaying some unusual behaviours at the childminder in the past couple of weeks. Things like being aggressive to younger children out of nowhere (not because they're arguing), or putting his pants down in the middle of a game for no reason.
When I've talk to him about it, he tells me these things happen at nursery and his copying his friends.

We had a similar issue last year with the aggressive fighting, and talked to nursery at the time. They were understanding, told me it was the older children's influence (he was only 3, mixed with 3-5 yo) and I think they read some books, but that's about it.

We're obviously planning to address it at home, but I'm trying to decide if I need to raise at nursery or not. Given the low communication, it feels a bit pointless.
My thinking is that next year he will be in school, and I imagine things like this will keep happening anyway. We'll have to teach him what's the right/wrong behaviours, and that he shouldn't be copying others.
Is that the right approach? He's our eldest so we don't really know what to expect from school...

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 06/02/2026 08:02

I’d definitely approach the nursery about it - as I would if he was a bit older and at school.

Coffeeishot · 06/02/2026 08:05

Firstly he is in preschool it is run like a school class that is normal, yes i think you should contact his keyworker to discuss any behaviour issues maybe at pick up time rather than drop off where they will be busier.

Getagrip22 · 06/02/2026 08:07

Get where ur coming from...It depends on what u want to find out from the nursery...is he doing it there? Support on how they are approaching it in nursery?(tho u could read their procedures that are mostly online...I personally wouldnt bother asking....i think if he is doing it there and an is an issue they would bring it up to u.. having worked in various childcare settings there is always fighting / play fighting esp younger ones .. we usually broach this with parents if it becomes an issue.

AnSolas · 06/02/2026 08:11

Yes you should be asking the staff to explain what is happening and why it is happening and that you expect that they will stop your child (and by default the other children) from acting out by explaining why it is not allowed.

And if you are not aware removing clothing may be an indication of a child being sexually abused. I would be worried if the care staff are not getting on top of both that and the threathening posturing (indication of possible physical abuse) as a child can abuse another child as they gave been groomed into thinking that abuse is normal.

trainkeepsgoing · 06/02/2026 08:14

You haven’t got anything to lose raising it with the nursery

MsSquiz · 06/02/2026 08:30

I’m confused as to why there is no handover with school at pick up?

DD2 is 3 and at nursery within a school and we still get a basic handover of what they had for lunch, photos on an app of some activities they’ve done during the day, etc.
if she came home and began displaying behaviours she was copying from friends at nursery, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t contact the nursery staff? Either via email or ask to speak to them face to face?

Bearbookagainandagain · 06/02/2026 08:37

Yeah fair enough. In our previous setting (private nursery), I wouldn't have hesitated at all because they were very forthcoming with any issues.

This nursery never talk to us. It's a faff to have any proper conversation, and we only do the nursery run 1 day a week. Parents wait in the playground and kids are just let go from the door, so there is no chance to talk to the staff unless I wait for all kids and parents to have left.

I will ask them to have an appointment or phone call though. I don't think they should let those behaviours happen in the playground, and of course there is also the possibility that my child isn't telling the truth and it actually comes from him.

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 06/02/2026 09:16

MsSquiz · 06/02/2026 08:30

I’m confused as to why there is no handover with school at pick up?

DD2 is 3 and at nursery within a school and we still get a basic handover of what they had for lunch, photos on an app of some activities they’ve done during the day, etc.
if she came home and began displaying behaviours she was copying from friends at nursery, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t contact the nursery staff? Either via email or ask to speak to them face to face?

They just don't do handover for the 3-5 room. We get a weekly updates through the app about what the room has done, but not the individual child.

The staff doesn't get anywhere near the parents, the kids are let go from the classroom door down a long ramp and they watch from afar that they go to their designated adults.

They have over 80 kids to handover so I imagine this is the most efficient way.

I will send an email and ask for a call back. His key worker isn't around either for then next few weeks so communication.has been even worse than before.

I was just wondering whether it was necessary or not at that age, when we could just address it at home. I'm sure he will be witnessing a lot of "bad" behaviour at school too,.and eventually he needs to learn how to recognise what is ok and what is not ok.

He's probably too young though so I'll raise it.

OP posts:
Isthateveryonethen · 06/02/2026 09:52

Bearbookagainandagain · 06/02/2026 08:37

Yeah fair enough. In our previous setting (private nursery), I wouldn't have hesitated at all because they were very forthcoming with any issues.

This nursery never talk to us. It's a faff to have any proper conversation, and we only do the nursery run 1 day a week. Parents wait in the playground and kids are just let go from the door, so there is no chance to talk to the staff unless I wait for all kids and parents to have left.

I will ask them to have an appointment or phone call though. I don't think they should let those behaviours happen in the playground, and of course there is also the possibility that my child isn't telling the truth and it actually comes from him.

Exactly why we chose private. There’s never a question about what you can’t or shouldn’t bring up. The head stands at the gate and greets each parent and child by their name as you walk in. I walk my child to her class and have a 1 minute chat to her teachers about anything if I want to. They also ask dd about stuff I mentioned the day before so she’s always so excited to tell her teachers. There’s a continuity between home and school. I would definitely not be happy at a place like this, basically drop your child off and pick them up with worrying behaviours and have no interaction with anyone in between

AwkwardPaws27 · 06/02/2026 10:17

Isthateveryonethen · 06/02/2026 09:52

Exactly why we chose private. There’s never a question about what you can’t or shouldn’t bring up. The head stands at the gate and greets each parent and child by their name as you walk in. I walk my child to her class and have a 1 minute chat to her teachers about anything if I want to. They also ask dd about stuff I mentioned the day before so she’s always so excited to tell her teachers. There’s a continuity between home and school. I would definitely not be happy at a place like this, basically drop your child off and pick them up with worrying behaviours and have no interaction with anyone in between

I think it varies by school and class size - DS is at the local state primary school nursery and the head of EYFS (who is also the deputy head) is on the gate several days a week (either AM or PM) and knows all the kids by name. When she isn't there then the nursery teacher is on the gate, and any issues are discussed (either briefly then or she asks if you can stay back for a few minutes). An LSA hands each child over to parents at the door itself.
I would not be happy with 80 kids being released into a playground to find their adult at such a young age as OP describes.

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