Is anyone else just stuck in a rut and not sure if it’s normal life or something is wrong?

[Nofilter]

AIBU yes this is normal or no something is wrong.

I’m a lone parent to DD9, we have a great life “looking in.” I worked hard to build a number of ventures in my twenties and then when DD arrived (36) I became a silent partner in them and have been a WFH Mum since. I feel like this is my main problem.

Home life is a farm with 3 horses and my dream house really. I’m just not enjoying any of it. Haven't ridden in a year and should be doing more to push DD - deep down I don’t even think either of us are horsey people anymore. We had an amazing 5 years with them when DD was little.

I am looking to sell/rehome them and move house this year, downsize to something on a bus route and close to a good school and closer to my family.

I don’t see anyone, over the years and due to a MH issue I lost touch with all my friends. My Mum lives 1.5hrs away and comes to stay every week for 2 nights and DD goes to stay with her every few weeks to spend time with her cousins and our larger family - she is flourishing, happy, loves lots of things and is doing great at school. Being a Mum is where I’m truly happy we have a lot of laughter, interests, excitement over day to day life.. I don’t think my feelings bleed into that majorly but she doesn’t see me going out and doing much. When she’s not here I barely go out now either. Even if the Airbnb is empty I don’t bother.

I didn’t take her to school today and just feel like an utter failure. I’m on HRT but really struggling with abdominal pain - severe pain, sweats, anxiety, insomnia. (All being looked at by a consultant) I was really faint this morning I had to lie down on the bathroom floor and the drive would have been dangerous.

Her school is 35 minutes away and it’s such a huge chunk of my day doing the drive, 2.5hrs every day. She was in private school 15 mins away and it was falling apart as a school and I couldn’t really afford it any more so I think I made a stupid decision with her current school. It is the best school for her, the more local options are not great at all.. we live rurally so despite it being hard it is the best option for her.

I dread the daytime, I’m flat, numb, bored, lack motivation so that starts a cycle of self criticism but I don’t leave things that need to be done - I just do them last minute and have to push myself to do them, it’s an ongoing nightmare! I fear the future. Im transitioning from being a portfolio landlord to Airbnbs. I’m close to launching my second Airbnb near the coast and it’s a great business I’ve found a good spot and am excited I guess for that although all the building work and stress has me wiped out too. I don’t really feel proud of myself for it or anything really it’s just me doing it when my mum has my daughter and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it all.

I am really hoping the changes this year with the smaller house, closer to family and less stress managing tenants and more fun managing guests in wales which I do really enjoy all works out and it is enough for us financially. I aim to have 4-6 by 2028.

I know I could have it a lot harder than I do and I think that’s what I feel shit about too - that I’m not grafting really hard every day so I just don’t seem to have anything to be proud of. I’d love a career around people and to feel that buzz of being immersed in something again but I just don’t even know where to start, and then when I look at it on paper I have school hours restrictions and my plate is actually full. Running the farm, horses, landlord, airbnb host and lone parent IS actually a lot. I just have daily dread from 10-1 that i am lazy and a failure.

Would love to hear OPs experiences of this..

Ugh sorry this is long!

Normal. Sorting out your hrt and alleviating those symptoms will help a lot.
You’re definitely not lazy or a failure, far from it! You just need a change, which is coming. That’s the time to reinvent yourself & find that opportunity to reconnect with what you miss - other people.

You do sound very successful so you should be very proud! I think life is just a bit numb at times. Perhaps you’ve outgrown a previous version of yourself and you may be grieving that a little. Try not to overwhelm yourself by attempting to find something to be buzzed about. Perhaps you’re just in a quiet phase of your life and that’s ok.

Maybe a little volunteering with your daughter somewhere once a week or a fortnight might help for now? Sounds like you need a bit of balance and a mental break from the hustle mindset.

I think you’d enjoy it more and appreciate yourself more if you had a partner, and I don’t mean a business partner. You’re doing really well. It’s social contact you’re missing imo.

Thankyou for the replies, it’s such a relief to hear this might just be normal! Hyper focusing on my to do list every day is just putting me off doing it at all and it’s a vicious cycle, I get to a state where I can’t sit still in peace and am overwhelmed and stuck.

I think something for me and my daughter to do is a great idea. I wonder what we could do hmm?

I am definitely in a phase of life where I don’t like being around busy places with lots of people too.. supermarkets are my latest ick! I’ve started to feel paranoid when people look at me when I’m talking , my mouth gets dry, my jaw tenses and I feel like I’m spitting on people it’s so crazy. Think that’s also a new menopause symptom 🤦‍♀️.

It sounds like a move is needed, closer to school to cut down that drive and allow dd to be independent with friends when old enough, and somewhere you might make friends or at least chat to neighbours or join a few groups.

If the horses feel like a chore it might be time to sell or put into retirement livery where you could still visit. Let your dd develop her own hobbies.

Hopefully the hrt will improve things.

I’m so sorry that you are struggling op 💐

Reading your op, you are definitely not a failure. You’ve accomplished a lot!

You definitely need to push to get your HRT and hormones sorted.

You sound flat and clinically depressed to me although I have no medical qualifications whatsoever. You don’t need to be crying and sad to have depression, there’s something called functional depression where everything can just be flat and grey and “meh” You might dread daylight bc you have a lot of tasks and responsibilities on your shoulders and you just don’t have the bandwidth to cope with it right now, so it all feels like a massive burden,

Overall, reading your op, I think you are a bit too solitary. Country life with horses although lovely is a lot of relentless daily drudge work in mud and all weathers, and it’s hard if you don’t have any other adults to share it with. It’s all “give give give” without many rewards, especially if you are not out riding.

Ditto looking after properties and the long school run.

Some people are suited, and draw strength from being alone and others need adult company to buoy them up.

You don’t need to go in to details here op but I think you may need to look at the mh problem that contributed to you losing your friends. Was it depression maybe? And was it treated properly?

I suspect the fact that you feel you are not badly off compared to others, is stopping you from reaching out for help. Have you told your mum you are struggling for example? Your gp? If you are depressed, you are depressed op and there’s no shame in it.

It’s really good that you are changing your situation because depression is often a sign that you are living the wrong sort of life for you. However, it’s important you get proper help and treatment op because the danger is that you can be running away from your problems or you take them with you. I am not saying that either of those scenarios necessarily apply to you btw op, but it’s something to be aware of.

Good luck op. It’s not easy finding the right help, but please persist until you do. Start with the gp and keep going back until you get the solution you need. Don’t give up. 💐

Reading your update op, this sounds like some sort of burn out, especially the restlessness.

I think you are maybe suffering from a bit of peri-menopausal anxiety or anxiety and depression. Maybe caused by trying to battle on for so long on your own.

And the more you avoid going to busy places and the less you speak to people, the more the symptoms take hold. Unfortunately the key is often facing the thing you dread most, eg supermarkets, but in a gradual way that is kind to yourself, not in a harsh, self-critical way.

The way you can do this is to remind yourself in writing, or in front of the mirror, that you are a competent person, which you are, so you don’t have to believe every random thought that comes in to your head about the supermarket being a danger to you, or accidentally spitting on people, for example, because they are not true.

Our brains are apparently wired to keep us safe from wolves and other dangers when we lived in tribes. So fearful thoughts will pass through us randomly, but equally we can breathe and relax, let fear wash over us, accept it, and then say, “these are just thoughts in my brain, I don’t have to believe them”. “I am in a supermarket and feeling uncomfortable but I am in no danger”.

The longer you can tolerate the feeling of discomfort, and breathe and accept, the better. But if you try and avoid, the more the symptoms take hold. Don’t ask me how I know! 😃

Something that can help is going in to
a supermarket for short periods, and building up, perhaps wearing noise damping ear plugs initially. And treating yourself to a reward afterwards. Take the pressure off yourself. Good luck 💐

Hi,

OMG I feel normal again today! I keep having days like last night where I feel like a different person woke up - anxious, focusing on irrelevant things like things I haven’t done (no consequences for not doing them right away and all fine) and just finding it impossible to break out of that way of thinking. It’s like something bad is going to happen that feeling of dread.

Im with Bupa and a gynaecologist RE HRT and other menopause symptoms and am thinking perhaps I should get assessed for depression and anxiety too. I’ve always just thought some symptoms of menopause are just that and you live with them.

Our goals in life now my DD is 9 have changed and I think I am finding it tough to accept that. This morning when feeding my horse I wanted to cry thinking about how much I’m letting her down rehoming her. Luckily I can prioritize a great home over wanting money for her and she’s quite a fine horse so she will go to a smashing home. She’ll be busy doing dressage and shows and with a lovely family instead of my spilt field ornament. Same with daughters pony so I will definitely do right by them and don’t need to rush it but change is HARD!

It’s also like a door is closing on DD being mini and off we go to the next phase. Gosh it’s all a lot isn’t it this Mumlife!