Please help me… struggling with my children’s behaviour!

[SilverSideLine]

Please please help.

Im completely worn out and exhausted and need some help.

My daughters are 10 and 12, and the eldest is just so difficult, and has been for months. She is generally well behaved at school and doing well in all subjects. She is polite to those around her, but she is just incredibly argumentative. She constantly picks fault in her younger sister (who isn’t the easiest at times either), but it’s making our home environment really horrible. She is also never wrong, and gets really angry if she gets told off in any way. She is making our evenings at home so awful, every day without fail.

I have cut back on TV during the week, and replaced with fun activities that she likes. I’ve bought jigsaws that she’s asked for and sat down to do them with her. I do her homework with her, if she wants me to, which she says she likes. It’s just that absolutely everything ends up turning negative and she openly admits she only says sorry to get out of trouble, not because she thinks she has done wrong. Even when I explain everything calmly to her, she still sees no fault on her part. Then now and again, she will say a heartfelt apology, when under no pressure to do so. She tells me things will change, but they never do.

My youngest is a rollercoaster of emotions, but always has been. It’s her character, she is very all or nothing. She is often very happy and bubbly, hut does have her moments of being upset. She doesn’t particularly like being told what to do and likes autonomy, which I can’t always give her. However, I find her behaviour more manageable, because there are the happy fun times.

However, I just feel completely drained by my eldest. It is simply relentless and I don’t know what to do. I have literally tried everything. I don’t think she actually likes herself very much right now, but that’s down to her not being a very good version of herself. I’ve done as much as I can to help boost her confidence, but she needs to start being kind to her family imo, otherwise she won’t be proud of how she is acting.

I want to help her, but I’m finding this so difficult. Is this normal teen behaviour??? Please help!

Our eldest was incredibly challenging, and would argue that black was white just for the sake of it. She'd start an argument in an empty room. Like you say, it's so so draining. What worked for us was ignoring the bad, rewarding the good and trying not to bite back even though she was desperately trying to provoke something. I'm pretty sure that it was some sort of extreme hormone surge with her as by 15, she had come out the other side and thankfully her 2 younger sisters were far less demanding. I'm not sure I'd have survived if they hadn't been!

It does sound pretty normal teen stuff tbh. If it's only started in the last few months I'd say it's probably hormonal.

There isn't a huge amount you can do other than ride it out. Remember that it takes two to argue so whoever she's arguing with needs to take some responsibility for the argument too. To limit arguments look at how you can change your responses, often just ignoring or calmly restating the facts is best. Don't get drawn into an argument. Easier said than done I know!

She's in that love hate stage when she wants you to be there for her but she is also trying to move away from you. Can you think of ways of giving her more independence?

Thank you both. I feel like I’m only just surviving this. I know that sounds so dramatic, but I’ve never felt so drained. I am a single parent and don’t have any family support. I have always coped just fine, through many ups and downs over the years, but I’m finding this so exhausting! I want to enjoy these precious childhood years with my children, but I can’t!

I’ve given her lots recently. She stays home alone now. Travels by bus to different locations. I have done a lot to work on this with her.

It's like being in constant combat when you have an argumentative teen. You're on high alert waiting for the next kick off 24/7. Pick your battles wisely, and just accept it's a phase that she will come out of.

I can only sympathise, I'm having an incredibly difficult time with my yr 7 12 year old son.

Im sure it will get better but it's miserable right now for sure

My eldest was like this. She’s now 13.5 and a lot better - although we still have the inevitable dramatic arguments and flounces about screens and mess, it isn’t constant like it was. Also I have learned to just say mm hmm and put headphones in rather than trying to argue back (is this out teening a teen?). Anyway IME 12 was a real low point <touch wood>

My younger one is coming up for 11 and is quite emotional but it seems to go in phases. She’s more the type to get upset and self critical whereas DD1 gets angry and argumentative.

Joy!!!

Sounds like the beginning of the dreaded hormonal teenager years! 😬 as others have said, it takes 2 to argue so don't be drawn in. Ignore stroppy behaviour and take yourself off to another room. Say firmly, I will talk to you about this when you can be polite and then refuse to engage. You will need to pick your battles and let the low level stuff go.

If she's nasty to her sister, send her out of the room until she can be nice. Tell her if she behaves like a toddler, she will be treated like one.

Other than that, it's a waiting game until they settle down and can be more reasonable. I have boys so I ignored a lot of the grunting and low level grousing but I came down hard if they were rude to me and I reminded them that I do a lot for them (lifts, paying for outings & clothes, clubs etc) and that if they were rude and ungrateful, those privileges would be withdrawn. They knew I meant what I said so it was enough to rein them in!

Say firmly, I will talk to you about this when you can be polite and then refuse to engage.

Yes I say “I’m not discussing anything with someone who screams at me”. Or sometimes “I don’t negotiate with terrorists” (had to explain that one which provided brief distraction from the arguing).

Your post could have been written by my mum 30 years ago.

I think it is quite normal. Hang in there - it will end. By the time I was 15 or 16 I was mostly nice company again.

Agree with other poster saying pick your battles - decide on your non negotiables and let other things slide a bit. Don’t forget her body and mind feels even more dysregulated than yours - which is why she’s kicking off all the time

Some useful tactics:

1. Ignore - just ignore any nonsense. One of mine went through a phase of simply being rude. I would turn away and get on with something else and not engage at all. She did not need me to tell her she was being rude - she knew. It worked after a while.
2. Make a joke of it. Sometimes they will laugh in spite of themselves.
3. Do not let her see it riles you.
4. If she is horrible (unsolicited) to her little sister, engage with little sister. Take her out of the situation and give her the attention. Do not comment on the fact that big sis has caused this - she already knows and does not need you to tell her. She needs to know that it results in little sis getting the attention. Berating her will give her the attention.

Same age as my girls, it’s similar in our house at the moment. I think it’s hard to adjust to how quick they grow up and change, my eldest is in YR7 and she’s changed a lot since September. She’s just seeing what she can get away with, but blimey my girls know how to wind each other up, they can’t even look at each other without bickering. Hoping it ends… one day!!

@SilverSideLine I totally get where you are coming from, we have 3 ds and although it was hard when they were very small , we had 3 under 6 and had/have zero family support, the preteen years have been v v hard. I’ve hugely struggled , I naively thought it would be a walk in the park by now but in a lot of ways it’s much harder….
Two of ours literally argue with us over every tiny thing. The will literally argue the opposite of absolutely everything. I’m also a secondary school teacher so you’d think I’d know what I’m doing!! It’s so easy to say “pick your battles” but literally everything is one . Like yours they are brilliantly behaved in school , in their sports clubs , in their friends houses but at home it’s constant. If I ask to empty the dishwasher it’s “why, I did a job already, what job have you given other ds and on and on and on. ..
We give them plenty of choice , our eldest is 14 and is actually quite well behaved overall but I’m convinced our 12 year old has some form of pda , it’s that extreme . We give loads of choice , we stay calm , we are consistent, we give consequences for bad behaviour, we limit screen time (in our dcs cases they would be agitated on too much screen time).. Honestly? nothing works …. I’m sorry to have to say that .
There’s good periods and not good . We also have no support, no aunties or uncles or grandparents make an effort , no one offers to take them anywhere, it is what it is but it makes it all very intense and full on and the reality is @SilverSideLine some children are much, much easier than others🤷‍♀️ Also , the truth is that if your children’s behaviour is difficult and constant arguing then parents are naturally more stressed and on edge . Luckily my dh and I are very united and consistent . They have tons of friends, a great home , there’s consequences for bad behaviour. Nothing works … it’s been one of those days tbh..