I am looking for perspective around my mums treatment of me when I was a child/ teen. Without waffling too much, it's probably easiest if I write a pros and cons list. My DH has labelled her as abusive, a term ive never used to describe her. I would like to understand if this was the case?
Pros.
She worked hard to provide for us, often putting her needs last
She instilled strong values in me and my siblings, to always stand up to what is right.
She provided us with good education and paid for additional tutors if we needed them.
Was supportive if I was ever in serious trouble or very upset.
I was able to engage in long conversations with her about various topics, she didn't dismiss me.
She was fun to be around and often lighthearted and silly.
She did genuinely make me feel warm and safe in her presence and I enjoyed her company, at the time.
She didn't give us too many restrictions and I felt I had a relatively free childhood.
She always cooked us healthy meals
Cons:
When i caught nits in school she would often leave me with them, and refuse to cut my hair to help the situation. I ended up being bullied a lot because of this.
My hair was thick and dry and she didn't brush it for me. I remember when I was 6/7 I had to cut huge matts out myself.
She has never told me I'm smart, sometimes referred to me as aversge. but would consistently tell me how smart my brother and sister were growing up. Even though I am now more highly educated than them.
She often told me how my sister was so beautiful and how I had a chavvy face (the face i was born with, not referring to makeup)
She tried to turn my brother and me against my dad from as young as I can remember (he wasn't exactly the best, but he was ok), slagging him off to us all the time. He lived with us.
She made it very clear that if her children didn't go to university they were a failure.
She on occasion excluded me from conversation she was having with my older siblings, saying it was none of my business. (Not private conversation, just about random topics, I also wasn't noisy at all I just tried to be part of the conversation at times).
She would somes gang up with one of my older siblings against me. And then deny this ever happened and called me paranoid.
I answered back to her once and she slapped me across the face. Only the one time though. She denies remembering this.
When I was a young child, if I was napping, to wake me up she would sometimes chuck a jug of cold water over me.
She didn't make me bath often.
I remember having to have loads of fillings when I was young, I also had infected ulcers. But I am unsure if I was at the age where I should have maintained these myself, 9 or 10 maybe? Perhaps I didn't tell her about them, I can't remember.
Im sure there are more if I gave it more thought, these are what has come to my head. Any thoughts?