I’ve found myself at a bit of a crossroads in life and I don’t really know where to go from here and I’m frightened

[SIimPickins]

I’m 40, married, 3DC aged 2, 4 and 6

I recently had a confirmed diagnosis of (as it turns out, actually quite severe) ADHD. I’ve started medication but it’s still very early days.

They have announced redundancies at the company I’ve been working at for the last 3 and a half years and I am very likely to lose my job.

My family recently moved to an isolated Home Counties village- DH commutes to London 4x a week and isn’t home til usually about 7, sometimes later. One day a week he works from home.

It falls on me to find a job that will work around my DC- the primary school after school club runs til 5:15, except some days it doesn’t run at all- DC1 was going one day per week til 5:15 but at Christmas I got a call saying from Jan onward they wouldn’t be running it that day as DC would be the only child there and it isn’t financially viable to run it for one child. So I can’t really rely on that as a steady form of childcare. There are no childminders in our village.

DC3 goes to a childminder who lives somewhere even more remote, who finishes at 3pm on a Friday.

DC2 is at a nursery open 7:30-6, a 20ish minute drive in the opposite direction to the childminder.

The nearest decent sized towns are a good 40 min drive away (when there isn’t awful traffic and/or diversions and road closures which are pretty much constant atm). There is a very small market town about a 20 minute drive away.

I don’t like my job- it is boring, repetitive, mentally unstimulating, and poorly paid for the unsociable hours I work. Pre-DC I was working in London in PA/EA/Team Assistant type roles but haven’t done that since 2019.

I did complete the first year of a degree at a prestigious university but had to withdraw for various reasons.

And now I find myself in a position where I don’t really seem to have many options- I can’t look for full time work out of the house because there are no jobs that would get me home in time for the school/nursery/childminder pick ups. I look for fully remote jobs and apply for the ones I have relevant experience for but I’ve yet to get as far as an interview.

I just don’t know what to do now. I’m 40. I’m about to lose my job and finding another seems impossible. I’m terrified for the future. I don’t really know what I’m looking for from this thread, maybe advice, maybe sympathy, maybe words of wisdom from others who’ve been there, I’m not sure. But if you got this far thanks for reading I guess!

(Please be nice. I’m on pretty shaky mental health ground right now.)

I would look for jobs in a local authority, a lot work from home now

I would speak with your DH and see what he expects, I'm assuming his job has no flexibility but they're his children too, he needs to help find a solution.

Are you both in a financial position for you to be a sahm? Do you even want that?

realistically it sounds like if you both want to work your family needs to relocate

With local government reorganisation looming and many councils broke, I wouldn't advise this as a ideal move. The local authority I work for enforces a 3 day in the office rule and has just announced compulsory redundancies with more to come.

OP - what is your DH doing to help this situation be manageable? And I hope you keep your job in the first instance.

Lots of questions:
Could you survive on one income? For How long? How much do you need to be earning?

What sort of compensation would your work offer? Any retraining or up skilling? Can you finish the degree? Do you still want to?

Your childcare arrangements seem rather challenging to say the least.

If there were no barriers what would your dream job be and why?

It's a family situation, speak to husband as he also needs to provide help.

How much do you need to earn to manage?

How much redundamcy will you get and how it last?

Who are current employers main competitors? Any roles there?

Where are other colleagues seeking new jobs?

Consider talking to recruitment agency?

There’s not really any flexibility with DH’s job except that he can pick what day he works from home. He is looking for other jobs but there’s not a lot out there at the moment.

I don’t know what my dream job would be really, but even if I could think of it I doubt it would be compatible with my family life. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, the problem is I’m there now!

We can’t relocate. The house would probably be worth less than we’re paying for it and the reason we came here is because it was the best we could afford- it’s a very expensive part of the country. DH’s parents relocated a few years ago to help out with us as well and they do watch DC2 and 3 for us during the week so they aren’t in full time childcare, but we don’t want to lean on them more heavily than we already do.

His salary isn’t really enough for me to be a SAHM- the DC would have to be at home all the time which would theoretically be fine, but there would be pretty much nothing left after bills and so on. We keep our finances mostly separate because my credit history is shocking and I need my own income. I know this arrangement won’t make sense to some but it works for us.

Work is only offering statutory redundancy payment. They’re pretty much doing the bare minimum. I should know on Friday if I’m definitely for the chop.

Can’t go back and finish my degree, the university is literally the other end of the country. I did do most of an access course in 2020/21 but couldn’t complete it- my eldest DC was still only 1, then I got pregnant with DC2 and (with the ADHD probably also playing a pretty large part) towards the end it all just got on top of me. I did get offers from a few unis to study diagnostic radiography but I don’t think going to uni is feasible now.

If you are considering stepping back into PA/EA type roles more and more of these are ‘virtual’ so can be done for anyone from anywhere. Someone from NCT is a VA (virtual assistant) to multiple businesses in a specific sector and seems to do very well from it

Statutory redundancy is I think one week per year of service so I’ll get less than a month’s pay. My salary is a few pence an hour above minimum wage.

I would see if there are any mental health care homes in your area, I bet there are. I would do agency work in that field, or find one place to work for and agree part time hours. It can be done.

Or I'd set up a reciprocal babysitting arrangement with a local woman you like, and then do 12hr shifts somewhere local that needs them.

I hated my job after 11 years once but really didn't know how to get out of it, only to find there was a mental health hospital just 6 miles down the road, and I did wonderful happy sweet shifts caring for the people who lived there and could get more shifts anytime I liked.

Have a look at charity jobs sites - lots of home working or flexible roles.

One thing to consider is that adhd like autism is highly genetic. I was diagnosed ND recently following my kids diagnoses at age 7 and 9. Life is so much harder now with school issues, appointments, therapies etc.

Yes, my eldest DC is on the diagnostic pathway for autism (although I don’t think it’s too severe) and it was when I was looking into ASD/ADHD/neurodivergence in general when I noticed the signs that I realised I met pretty much all the diagnostic criteria for ADHD

It sounds as if it would make life simpler if DC2 and DC3 were in the same childcare setting?

You've had some good advice so far but I'd also have a look at whether any of the schools have vacancies for LSAs or school office / admin staff. I have friends in these roles and it's fitted their family life while keeping them in employment with CPD opportunities along the way. At our school I know mums who were new to support roles in school when our older teens started school and now they've got responsibilities and specialties but it's always enabled them to have the school holidays off.

What about becoming a childminder? You say the childcare options where you live are woeful therefore other parents in your area will also be struggling ….. even just doing before/after school 5 days per week I pay £450 per child to my school childminder

Have you thought about dog walking? I know a couple of people who have built up a regular income from this and it's a good way to get out and meet people in the community.

It probably would, but we can’t afford for both of them to go to DC2’s nursery, it’s quite expensive. And DC3 is really happy and thriving with the childminder and she doesn’t charge us much as most of it is funded hours. DC2 was with her as well for a while but DC2 was the oldest kid there by over a year and was getting frustrated by not having anyone of the same age to play and interact with.

Have you considered something in a school, possibly admin or teaching assistant? you will need some training but it will fit in with the children's schedule and you wont need childcare for the holidays.

In that case a TA type role probably isn't a good idea. It's common for children to struggle more with school age 7-10 as social demands increase. I have multiple appointments a week for my two kids and wouldn't be allowed that time off in a TA role (I did look into this at one point). I had no idea things would get so bad when they were younger and doing really well.

Try to stop thinking of neurodiversity conditions as severe or not severe
the impact ebbs and flows.
so what is hard now during the perimenopause years. Or puberty. Might be easier to deal with in early primary school
or when the kids have left home or once peri is over.

Have you considered retraining? A mummy friend of ours retrained in feet. Yes feet. Runs her own business. Around her kids and domestic life. She retrained as a podiatrist.

can do from home or as a mobile podiatrist.

Also consider dog walking, animal visiting, massage, reflexology etc

some pay quite well and you are in charge of your own day.

Best of luck. I was late diagnosed too. And really struggle with boring repetitive tasks!!! I have a physical reaction. Sleep or must move 😁

Is there a suitable course with the Open University? Job wise, if you drive, why not be a cleaner during the day and/or casual waitressing at events such as weddings, evening dinner functions etc. I know they aren't the most well regarded jobs but they will help with money plus they are easier to fit round school times. I used to do these jobs when children were very young and DH worked shifts.

Can you:
— Pick up just any job while you looking for something more suitable? I often think about what I wpuld do if I found myself in such predicament, probably do Amazon deliveries for sometime 🙈Just to keep getting an income. There is less and less full
remote jobs at the moment, the ones I keep hearing about are usually quite niche or tech/payments related. My own job started with 2 days a week and we are back to 4.
— anywhere you can work in the evenings so you can swap with your husband when he’s back from work? Not ideal or glamorous but you maintain SOME income, which I think is still better than no income?
— NHS/reception staff ? My surgery always looking. Again something I would look at if it was emergency situation.
— do you qualify for UC?

This was my first thought. Would this be an option, at least until all the children are at school?

However for the longer term, can you explore pathways to realise your original career ambitions:

. I did get offers from a few unis to study diagnostic radiography but I don’t think going to uni is feasible now.

Even if it means relocating and/or your husband having to scale back his own career. After all, you have made plenty of sacrifices!

What about care work, usually it's agency so you can pick your own shifts. It's secure, always work. Usually training us provided. It might be something to consider if the alternative is unemployment.

The UK is shit right now . . .

Twenty years ago you could literally walk into a place and ask for a job, I quit several of them and had another one that afternoon. How times have changed.

Speak to claude ai to brainstorm
'Flexjobs'
The work from home hub on fb

It looks like many bad choice were made on the way (moving out to the village, many kids in short succession, complicated childcare arrangements, etc.). I'm not sure what ADHD has to do with it. It's not like your life has been a disaster because of it - you've made some wrong choices and made your life too complicated and limiting. But it looks like you have a successful marriage and a beautiful family. As to redundancy - it happens to all of us.