To finally pause contact?

[HariboFantastics]

I just need some support or someone to tell me AIBU for my situation as i’ve laid awake with immense mum guilt the last 2 nights.

I don’t know where to begin, my DS is 7, i’ve been split from his dad for 6 years this year, he has always had contact and seen him weekly most months unless something came up/emergencies etc.

My son has been coming home for a few years and more frequently the last year saying he is unhappy at dads, he comes home very snappy, short tempered, emotional, over whelmed, you name it. I’ve put the last year down to a lot of changes (I have had his baby sister, moved house, his dad had bought a house with his partner and DSD) it’s a lot for any child but the upsets surrounding seeing his dad are relentless, he doesn’t want to go and I actively encourage their relationship and talk him into going and going in a positive mood.

However there have been few occasions my son has told me dad has physically hurt him, and that daddy calls them taps but they are smacks and really hurt him. I did seek advice for this last year however his dad counteracted me and told me “Well this weekend he’s told me that you hit him, so if you believe him then I’m going to have to aswell.” and I now feel stupid and feel I was gaslighted out of pursuing further help around that. I didn’t think our son was a liar, I always always believe you should believe your children. I was in a very fragile state just having had a miscarriage and the counter accusation was a bit much for me I guess. I feel awful about it now.

This week we attended my sons sporting activity which we regularly all go together, at the end of the game there was a “heated discussion” between my son and his dad in which from what I heard my son called his dad mardy, something his dad regularly calls him; the next thing my son is being dragged off the pitch by his neck, crying and screaming it hurts and to get off him. I saw red. I stormed over to his dad and sadly made a scene at a kids sporting event, shouting at him to never put his hands on him again. We ended up in a back of fourth where he shouted me “You don’t get it. You don’t parent him. He’s powerful with weight behind him, you have to do something!” In which I said over and over again he’s 7, you don’t need to put hands on him! He stormed off and left, and I was left cuddling our son who told me he’s lied to me about liking his dad, why did I pick him as a dad, why can’t his step dad be his dad, and then sobbing that he doesn’t think daddy like him. My heart broke.

I contacted school the next day as his dad was due to collect him and our son had said he wanted me to collect him, and explained everything to them, effectively cried down the phone to the learning mentor who had a chat with my son who told her the same story and that dad has grabbed him by his neck skin and dragged him and that the other weekend has thrown something at him in anger. He also told school his mind was made up and he did not want to see daddy that day. She advised me to ring safeguarding, who advised me since there’s no court order that I have every right to pause contact and tell him his rights to seek a family court lawyer/mediation.

I have done this and he is seething, telling me I’m ridiculous and have fed it to our son and made him not want to see him. I have ignored, that is not the case, i’ve done nothing but encourage their relationship which now I feel was the wrong thing to do. My heart is breaking, and i’m being eaten up with guilt but can’t work out through fogged thinking it i’m being gaslit into being the guilty one again.

I have explained to my son he won’t be seeing dad for a little bit and his reply was “I think it’s for the best mum.” which broke my heart more.

So sorry for the long rant, I needed to give the whole picture. :(

Unfortunately, you need to come to terms with the fact that unless there is evidence that his dad is abusing your son rather than disciplining in a more forceful way, the court will side with him. The wishes of your son at his age will not come into it. Understandably, children tens to prefer the more gentle parent.

It will come down to evidence. It sounds like there were witnesses at the last incident. Did anyone come forward? Why didn't you call the police then. You say tou boy told school he was dragged by the skin of his neck. Is this what was witnessed or was he pulled by the collar of his shirt and he touched his neck as he did?

You will need to attend mediation. Use this opportunity to reflect on the situation but remember that without evidence, the judge will almost inevitably side with him and if he asked for 50/50, grant that too (if that's not what is currently in place).

Thank you, totally understand all of this! There were witnesses luckily and have spoken to a couple of them. Calling the police didn’t cross my mind in the moment as it was so high emotion and all a bit of a blur. I wasn’t aware he had grabbed his skin until my son made that admission to school.

Appreciate your input, mediation is 100% the plan in my mind.

I wasn’t aware he had grabbed his skin until my son made that admission to school
Sadly his words won't mean much in the eye of the law. Children are known to 'fib', exaggerate or misinterpret actions at that age, so whereas a parent might take what they say for the truth, the law doesn't.

I suggest focusing mediation on how you communicate with each other and how you can try to build some sort of coparenting trust between each other. It's really tough but court could make things much worse for you.

Noted. Thank you, again it is appreciated to see all angles.

Well done for stopping contact while you can OP, let him take it to court. If they insist that ds still has to see him then at least you (and ds) will know you have done all you can. Was he marked at all from being dragged? Make sure you take pictures of any marking or bruising. If you can afford it I'd consider getting some legal advice asap so you know where you stand. Find out if you should contact the police as well to log what happened.

I agree that you have did the right thing inby stopping contact. We can all make guesses on what will happen next but we don’t know what the court will do, but at least you’ve done all you possibly can to ensure the safety of your child for now.

Can I ask did you and your ex have an acrimonious break up? How was he as a partner towards the end of yor relationship? Were you on fairly good terms initially post-break up?

I’m wondering because I’ve noticed sometimes parents - usually dads- take out their hostility and dislike of their child’s other parent on the child themselves.

Thank you. I didn’t immediately check his neck and had a look once I’d collected him from school and was aware he’d said it wasn’t a grab by his shirt but couldn’t see anything, whether that’s because there was no mark or it had faded by that point I’ll never know.

Ive been researching mediation and legal advice, plan on calling them today and seeking advice around legal aid, unsure if I’d get this though as although on SMP so technically low income currently; I believe my other half’s income will be taken into consideration?

I never wanted to stop contact, I wanted his dad to do better and control his temper but when the only person telling you that you’re wrong is an ex partner, you’re never going to accept it. :(

Thank you again.

Hes abusing your son you need to advocate for your son.

You shpuld want to stop contact or have it supervised at a contact centre.

your child is telling you his fathrr is unkind and hurts him.

I'd be stopping contact, Cooperating fully with social / social services / whatever and telling that arsehole of he wants to lay hands on my child again he'll have to take me to court.

Also file CMS if you havent already.

Disgraceful man.

The break up wasn’t an awful one, we argued like cat and dog towards the end, and split mid covid so lived together longer than either of us would’ve liked before I managed to move out. (Had nowhere else to go and he wouldn’t leave as his mum owned where we rented.) So that didn’t help things but we didn’t have a hatred for eachother if that makes sense. We just didn’t work together. He was never violent or handsy with me or our son at that point, but a short fuse which he knows he has and has admitted he has. Just very snappy, there was one occasion he punched a door frame but it was an isolated event. More so emotionally neglectful towards myself? I had very bad postnatal depression and he lacked compassion, I was also SA’d during our relationship and he was little support, refusing to take the day off work to come to forensics with me. Things like that, that tear you down gradually and that essentially ended our relationship.

My son did ask has dad always been like this? I just explained that no, he hasn’t, but sometimes sadly when you have a baby with someone, it’s only then that they can change and daddy hasn’t always been angry. Sometimes people get poorly heads and their feelings take over. I don’t know how else to explain it to him without him thinking he’s done something wrong. I’ve told him I know he loves dad, and dad loves him; and it’s okay if he’s going to miss his dad. But that dad just needs some time to reflect. :(

We have CMS in place, from the time I mentioned last year where I’d confronted him about hurting our son, I was prepared to do all of this then and like I say, was counteracted in a vulnerable position mentally and took a back step. My god am I beating myself up about that now. But thank you, your response is validating, and I appreciate it. x

Document everything. Get witnesses to make written statements if they believe it was more than just standard discipline.

Move all communications to email only. Only discuss what you need to. Matters relating to your DS, his education, health etc.
DO NOT get bogged down with endless emails. You DO NOT need to defend yourself if he is emailing you with counter accusations of abuse, parental alienation, etc. Him writing something in an email does not make it true, so do not get drawn into arguments via email. Just stick to what you need to tell him RE your DS.

Set up a weekly phone call for your son to speak to him. I know he won't want to, but it will show in court that you are trying to maintain some sort of relationship between your DS and his father.

Seek legal advice.

Get support from Womens Aid if you can.

Learn about emotional abuse and coercive control. And you need to understand that coercive control is something that a lot of professionals do not understand. Judges, solicitors, social workers etc generally do not have training if coercive control.

When/if you get as far as court, stick to facts. Keep the emotion out of it.

I am a few years down the line from where you are. The courts are very much pro access, even in cases of abuse. So prepare yourself for that. And prepare for people to completely fall for his lies, and tell you that you have subconsciously turned your child against him.

It's a long road, but you'll get there.

Im so sorry you’ve been through this too. Thank you so much for all the advice. 🤍

All you can do is look forward.
Dont beat yourself up . Its wasted energy... plan a nice day put with your son instead 😊
it's hard when you cant see the wood for the trees sometimes.

Worth seeing if you can get witness statements from sports day.

I see those parenting app portals (i dont know the name recommended on her. All contact goes through that so there's a record)

Another tip is not to immediately reply to any messages or be misdirected
Eg.

you:You got angry and hurt our son.
Him: "ANGRY? Thats rich considering you did X Y and z
That was angry. I dont think its was even close to as angry as you were then..you have no idea how upset I was after sports day blah blah"

The temptation is to get sucked into arguing about whether or not he was angry. Its misdirected.

Focus on the core message (eg our son was hurt) and dont get sucked into the crazy.

Good luck!

It’s good that the school is involved. Ensure that your son tells his teacher / learning mentor / assigned person every time his dad hurts him.

They’ve been useless in other areas but I can’t fault them for yesterday. After I spoke to the learning mentor, his class teacher gave me a rang and reassured me, said they will keep an extra close eye on him now in all areas, emotional and any bruises etc they can query and see if they’ve happened in typical kid fashion and where they are. (He plays football so always chuffin covered!)

But will definetly be keeping a more strict log on things now. It’s that grey area of letting the other parent know you’ve had enough but then you’ve given them the accidental heads up they’re being monitored. I’ve had some good chats with my son and let him know school is a safe space and he can tell them anything, and he can trust they will not feed it back to myself or his dad.

Thank you. xx

Op I think you may be underplaying this slightly. To me he sounds like he was a terrible partner who didn’t like you. Not being physically violent is the bare minimum.

From what you said it seems like his moods and “short fuse” kept you on edge which is often a form of control. And the lack of compassion he had for you is because he ultimately he didn’t really love or like you.

Even if one of my friends wanted some support after being SA’d, I’d be there.
Indeed I accompanied a friend to a police station to report DV many years ago and provided years of emotional support to a childhood friend who was taking her family member/rapist to court for historical CSA.

The fact he couldn’t take a day off for his partner/mother of his child is very telling. I am sure even if he was working he still wouldn’t have attended forensics with you.

Now it may be hard for someone to deal with their partner being assaulted, but it’s even worse for the actual victim so whether you find it difficult or not you don’t respond by removing your support.

Really, the school should have contacted SS after speaking to you and your DS. SS would want to see you doing everything in your power to safeguard DS ie stopping contact as there is no court order in place.

Oh absolutely agree. Safeguarding we’re not best helpful, and told me they don’t open a social case in my circumstances because there wasn’t any DA between myself and dad, and because it’s all mutual agreement contact wise. They’d keep it on file and if anything else came about may escalate it but couldn’t report to social for this occasion. School were also not best pleased by this outcome. So I’m at a loss with that myself!

I totally hear you and I think I do underplay it myself. My last partner, after his dad and before my current OH was violent. (Together a year and my son never met him, he wasn’t aware I was in a relationship as I only saw him when he went to his dads). That did go to court and that ex plead guilty, so I think part of me thinks since I was abused that way, I can handle my sons dad? Even if it’s emotionally damaging? I’m not sure. But his actions when we were together have definetly had a lasting effect on me.

I recall our son being newborn and he refused to stay home one day I was unwell, convinced I was faking to not look after him alone. 12 hours later I was blue lighted to hospital with sepsis (kidney infection I ignored and put down to csection pain). While in hospital he told me he was going to propose but since I was being so snappy with him, he’d changed his mind.

the more I dwell on it, the more I see it. he was vile to me and maybe now we aren’t together he is taking his dislike of me out on the wrong person. sometimes it takes people telling you that you aren’t crazy for you to realise, huh? :(

I recall our son being newborn and he refused to stay home one day I was unwell, convinced I was faking to not look after him alone. 12 hours later I was blue lighted to hospital with sepsis (kidney infection I ignored and put down to csection pain).

That’s such an ugly trait. I have a sibling who constantly gaslighted me, accused me of exaggeration, minimised my symptoms etc when I said I felt unwell as a child. They still try and do this as an adult (despite the fact they’re a doctor now!) so it’s always something I’ve been hyper aware of avoiding in men I date.

While in hospital he told me he was going to propose but since I was being so snappy with him, he’d changed his mind.

Yeah he really is vile. He was never going to propose of course, but to pretend as if he was and then withdraw it while you’re in hospital, as if to punish you for being unwell is awful. I don’t know if you were “snappy” or not but I’m sure he wouldn’t be all sunshine and light if he was in hospital for sepsis. Especially if you’d been downplaying his symptoms earlier like what he did to you.

It sounds like you had at least two abusive relationships and you may struggle to recognise abuse. How is your current partner?

My current partner is a godsend. I can’t even begin to start singing his praises, he is a fantastic man. We’ve been together coming up 4 years, we all adore him.

That’s great I’m happy for you!