My child is turning into a nightmare and I don’t know how to stop it

[QueenSmartiePants]

Not sure if I’m after advice or support or just ranting at this point. My son is ten, he’s autistic and has complex additional needs. He’s always been difficult to parent (the autism, PDA etc means standard parenting doesn’t really work) but I’ve managed well I think. I regularly get compliments on his good behaviour and manners etc. but over the last few months he’s just awful. He won’t listen, doesn’t do as he’s told, he answers back constantly, he blows raspberries and shouts random words in response to being told off. I’ve tried talking to him when he’s in a good mood, I’ve tried shouting, I’ve tried consequences/punishments and nothing works. He doesn’t care about anything (tech, toys, gaming etc) so I can’t remove things, he rarely has play dates or friends over so I can’t even threaten that.

he will literally just ignore me when told to do something. He’s always been amazing at bedtime, now he spends hours messing around and shouting, sitting at the top of the stairs shouting. It’s waking his siblings, he doesn’t care. He won’t move. He’s too big for me to physically move, and a physical altercation isn’t going to help either of us.

I feel like I’m trapped, I’m a single parent and there’s no escape. If it was a man, I’d call it an abusive relationship and leave. But I can’t because it’s my child. I don’t want to spend another 8+ years like this. His needs mean he is unlikely to go to university. I feel so low, I never get the nice lovely child for more than an hour and then it’s back to the shouting, demands, arguing, spitting. Is this a stage? Is there a parenting technique to make him behave better? Am I failing as a mum and that’s allowing him to do this?

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this, especially on your own. I wonder if it’s a change in his hormones now he’s a preteen.

I have no experience or advice, I hope someone can offer you some guidance.

Can you try letting him do things his own way so that you protect your own mental health? Maybe tv time in his room? Or anything really.

I know it feels like giving in but you really need to look after yourself so you can survive and so can your other children.

Just because other people think it’s the wrong thing to do doesn’t mean it is, they’re not you raising your child, look after yourself and do what you need to do to maintain your relationship with your child and look after yourself, even if others wouldn’t agree.

Remember you and your child love each other and what anyone rise thinks is irrelevant.

I’ve tried that tonight. He’s spent the last two hours in his room banging on the wall and screaming. I’ve gone in and we’ve had a massive argument so now he’s refusing to go to bed. He’s locked himself in the bathroom, with the tap running and it’s the only toilet in the house. I just don’t know what to do

Is he in mainstream with an EHCP? Or Special school? I’d ask the SENCO or school staff if they’ve noticed any changes in his behaviour at school. You could also ask if there are any strategies that work well that you could use but I know it’s very different at home.

Parenting a child with a PDA child can be tough. Just when you think you’ve found a strategy that works they decide not to follow that and you need to try something else.
Does he have any special interests that you could use for positive rewards or to engage or distract him.

PDA behaviour is led by anxiety and a need to have control so, as you’ve found, shouting or telling him what to do doesn’t work.
Have you read up a strategies that work for children with a PDA profile?
You could try avoiding direct instructions and instead offer choices where you can e.g. blue or red pyjamas? Clean teeth or wash face first etc
Try making things fun or a game: challenge e.g. I bet I can pick 3 things up before you ( depends on understanding) for tidying.

Try some planned ignoring for unwanted behaviours such as raspberries or shouting. Could the random words be tics?
Look for positive rewards where you can and positive praise if that works.

Just read your reply to the PP Sounds like you need some help and support locally. Start with school and look for SEN parent groups in your area.

I don’t know if this is a ridiculous suggestion so I apologise if it is.
Is there respite care for autistic children? I cant
imagine how hard it is on you and your other children.
I honestly don’t know what I’d do. Is there anybody he responds to? An uncle/grandparent?
My daughter isn’t SEN but punishments have absolutely zero effect on her, she only responds to praise and positive reinforcement.
Does he like to “help”? Could he “help” you with things around the house while the others are in bed and then he has a special reward for staying calm for bed?

I’m so sorry. It’s very hard. Google NVR and find a therapist - it is life changing.

If its any consolation my 9yo is similarly rude and defiant without SEN. I think there's a preteen hormone surge.

We do use consequences but in the moment he gets so fired up it's impossible. I leave him to it, and only deal with him when he's calm and semi reasonable. Sometimes this might look like giving in but what else can you do?

A lot of the time he's frustrated at himself and wants to go back in time and act differently. We have to be really clear about timings otherwise he looses it.

@24Dogcuddler thank you. He’s mainstream and we had his EHCP turned down because LA say the school are meeting his needs. They agree they can’t, but we are fighting a losing battle.
I usually do these and they work, but they’re just not right now and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m having to fake being nice and he’s just learning he can treat me like shit because of it

@xOlive thank you, it’s not stupid! My parents used to have them three times a year so I could have time off, but my friends have dwindled and they can’t manage him so I haven’t had a night off in over a year.
in his ‘normal’ personality he loves jobs and helping and thrives on rewards but once the autism side kicks in he doesn’t care about anything at all

Having the same issues, the same age, ASD, no advice sorry, but I suspect that peers are noticing the difference, some boy asked him loudly if he was special, jeering his head size, he can’t cope with boys his age, this is a new thing, he was happy last year, well happier, he’s not the happy type. You have my sympathy.
Mine is screaming because he doesn’t want to go school tomorrow, he doesn’t want to do anything for himself.

@anonymous0810 I’m actually mid way through a one on one course in NVR, it’s been amazing! But it’s all about me and how I respond and deal, and not about how to stop his behaviours. And of course everything I’ve learnt went out the window tonight!

@EmeraldShamrock000 yes this is exactly it! He seems to have lots of friends at school, but they come to us, never inviting him to theirs. My son has a global development delay so is much younger than he is, but physically is large. He took lots of pictures in to give to people a few weeks ago and came home so deflated because no one wanted them. It’s just heartbreaking

@Happytaytos sounds very similar to mine. If this is the pre- puberty hormones then I’m dreading the actual ones

It really does wear you down. My son is older and doesn't have behavioural issues but God the sleep insanity, every night, no breaks.
Can I ask (if it's not a sensitive issue) where the father is? So many women are dealing with these children alone, it is outrageous.

Have a similar aged child with PDA traits and ASD diagnosis who can also be very destructive and angry and screaming/shouting. Something I have just started is an app called Joon which is a sort of computer game based reward system and I think it helps that I am not telling or asking him to do things but the app prompts him and he can earn points to spend in the game - sounds a bit mad but it has definitely helped with some of the routine tasks that need to happen on the way to bedtime. Are there any local resources or services who could offer help? We are now on a waiting list for some free counselling which I think will really help

Could he be screaming for your attention?

Maybe try setting aside one-to-one time with him after school each day, building lego, baking or doing something else together that he’ll enjoy. He then learns he doesn’t need to shout and play-up to get your attention. It should also calm him down if he’s had a tough day at school.

While it's tempting to blame it on hormones...could it be other kids' hormones? By that, I mean that the school experience tends to change drastically around that age for neurotypical kids, and the social environment gets a lot more complex. It could well be that this is putting a lot more strain on him during the day, which - for autistic children - could have very unpredictable effects.

My own personal experience (as an undiagnosed autistic kid), which may or may not be relevant, was that all the rules I'd built up for interacting with my school friends went straight out of the window around that age and I spent the last year of primary school miserable because I'd a relatively good social environment around myself up to that point, and suddenly found myself on the wrong end of kids being kids (as they were trying to navigate their own changes) and was essentially left on the outside with no idea why.

Of course, it could be nothing to do with this, or it could be all of the above. Worse, I haven't got any suggestions, but you know him best.

My DS is autistic and after a lovely Xmas break he has been the same since returning to school. I have a friend who is a headteacher and said that a lot of children struggle in January as the last half term before Xmas is doing lots of fun things then in January the demands really increase. Is your DS year 6? That's SATS year and some schools really ramp up the pressure. It's also an age were many children start puberty which is a challenge for all, even more so autistic children.
Have you tried reducing demands at home? Putting in some time after school doing whatever helps him regulate? For some that's quiet time, for some heavy work and for some (although non SEN parents hate it) screen time.
I know you said you did a course but it was more about how you manage not how you change the behaviour. How you manage it makes a huge impact on his behaviour, if you're heightened, he will be heightened so don't feel like learning to manage your own emotions isn't beneficial to him.
I see that you said something about the autism coming out. That can happen when demands increase. It can also happen with ADHD meds. Have there been any changes in medication? Stimulants like caffeine may also have an effect.

Is there a suspicion of ADHD? Because the mad attention seeking behaviour sounds like my DS at times. We have found that ADHD Dude has been excellent on this including a much better bedtime routine and to some extent lowering of expectations - e.g. don't expect them to be asleep, just in their bedroom.

In a different way my autistic dd has ramped up the difficulty level of parenting considerably since starting year 6, far more meltdowns and school refusal. I assume this is partly hormonal. I just wanted to say though, without having any real advice, that your feelings of despair and worry about the future really resonate with me. It is so so hard.

@QueenSmartiePants How long since the EHCNA was turned down? Did you do a parental request? I’d apply again especially if his behaviour is changing.
If he’s Y6 the prep for SATs might be impacting on the regular routine and activities.
Look on the Local Offer for SEN for your LA to see if there’s anything you can access. Some LAs have specialist SEN play schemes in school holidays.

Thank you all so much, it feels nice to hear I’m not the only one going through this even though it means you’re having hard times too. I’ve managed to ignore him long enough that he’s in his room. No idea if he’s asleep because I’m hiding in mine, but he’s quiet at least!

for those asking, he could have adhd, but I was told the techniques and support tend to overlap so chasing another diagnosis wouldn’t help. The paediatrician recommended he got tested for autism, I thought it was just adhd!
we do the same post school decompress every day and have continued it, it seems to work when we do it, but the effect is lasting less time. We do a lot of after school activities to keep him busy and focussed. He’s always loved them all, but maybe reducing them down would help. Th only issue there is that we started the clubs etc to help him build friendships in situations where I could support him. I’m worried without these activities he might lose the friendships at school?

Medication for ADHD is life changing. Don't rule out getting another diagnosis.

@QueenSmartiePants please can you explain what you mean about his ‘normal’ personality? I dont understand this in the context of ASD and am keen to learn.

Yes but that is the point. Slowly but surely your responses to his nervous system reactions will start to effect change. These kids very often can’t engage with therapy. I often say what saved me and my son (now 17 and thriving - ish - our relationship is now great and I never think I hate him like I used to) was meds, maturity but mostly NVR. Maybe also take a look at at peace parents on Instagram. She is a low demand advocate whereas I prefer the NVR approach but she describes pda beautifully. Keep plugging away 🫂