Rude step dad in law

[Sarahnmills]

I get on great with my MIL but her husband (my husband’s step dad) is awful, extremely rude and grumpy, and it leaves me anxious whenever I am around him. I don’t want to stop seeing her, but I’m struggling. How do you cope when someone in your partner’s family makes you feel this way?
For context- A lot of people feel this way about him, he has fallen out with many people in his life. My family and friends don't like being around him at my children birthday parties ect.
He is rude to my MIL but she can not see that there is a problem with his behaviours and we have previously fallen out because of it.

I doubt you'll change his behaviour, so in your shoes I'd limit contact.

Invite MIL out for a coffee and cake, or invite her out for a walk. Phrase it just as a get together for Mum & son, or just the women etc. Then try to make it a bit of a routine.

If she asks outright, can S-FIL come, I'd say that you'd rather it just be you two/three. If she doesn't want to socialise without him then say "Oh, that's a shame. Maybe next time then". I'd also just explain to her, if she does ask why. It won't be a shock if so many others can stand to be around him.

Tbh I don’t think there is any point telling your mil or falling out with her.. it’s her husband. If she can’t see it, she can’t see it…she’ll never side with you,

my husband had a weird uncle. Everyone in the family felt aware about it. Well certainly the younger generation. The remarks are always a bit too near the mark, always just that little too inappropriate. His contemporaries in the family, felt able to laugh about it, or “tell him off”. Most of the younger ones couldn’t but if you picked him up on it, he almost seem to enjoy the challenge of making you feel more awkward. I was always anxious about him so I feel I couldn’t have been the only one.

i just gave him a wide berth. Sat on the opposite side of the room at any gathering..tried not to be on my own with him. Any conversation I had with him was a one word answer and a smile.

tbh in your situation, I don’t think there is much else to do.

She does see it, but isn’t going to do what you want her to do (leave him, tell him off, whatever) and you can’t make her.

Limit contact. See her on your own for lunch out somewhere so it's neutral ground and not at either of your houses. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. She's chosen this for herself.

Accept that she's chosen him, and he's part of the package. So as much as you don't want to stop seeing her, if you're left feeling anxious after spending time with her, and him as a bolt on, then I'd be giving them the swerve.

What is your DH take on all this?

My DH moans about how he is so rude but rarely says anything. However, during Xmas when his step father was verbally aggressive towards me , he did step in and say dont you ever speak to her like that again.
The trouble is my husband is so close to his mum he has tolerated it but his behaviour has become a lot worse. They keep asking for us to visit for a roast on a Sunday but my husband makes excuses.

Can DH not use the Sunday lunch invites as an way to broach the subject? Surely she'll realise that you are avoiding them soon enough.

"Look Mum, you know what happened with Bob at Xmas. It's not the first time he has been inappropriate, so I don't think it best for us to spend time around him, with the way he is. You are always very welcome at ours. Why don't you come to us for dinner on Thursday?"

She sees it - she just doesn't want to have to put up with him being even worse, if she or anyone else stands up to him. Poor woman; imagine actually living with him.

I would be honest with MIL and tell her you love to spend time with her but her husband is rude and aggressive and makes you feel uncomfortable. I always think it's best to get these things out in the open, you're not the one in the wrong, he is!

My SFIL is vile. He didn’t want to come to our wedding, didn’t want to visit to see our newborn DC but wanted to be called “Grandad.”
We visited once with DC when DC was 12 months old, SFIL ignored DC and didn’t interact with him as he was too busy watching tv.
Got shitty when the following Christmas I put on the Christmas card “To Grandma and John” as he clearly had no interest in being a Grandad.
We went NC not long after that.

This. 💯

I'd ask DH to stop moaning about SFIL to you, you're not available for that any more. You know he is painful, this isn't going to change, you don't need to spend any more enrgy on talking about him. Make your own decisions about what you are and are not willing to do, and DH can to do the same.

Let DH deal with it, if he says to you, we have been invited over for lunch, shall we go? Just say, I'm not going to, and you know why but you knock yourself out.

Honestly, In Laws and the accompanying bullshit that can lie within are a total drain, and my advice would be don't get into anything you're not willing to maintain, and when the shit hits the fan, employ a bit of radical honesty, get out and stay out. If you're forced to be face to face, smile and nod and make your excuses.