Is it normal for friendships to drift when you have a baby?

[Cashmeresocksandpjs]

Interested to know if this is normal or if I should cut my losses or if things will return to how they were….

My BF had a baby last year and I feel like we have really drifted in favour of her mum friends. They all met her baby weeks before I was invited to, despite her being one of the first round when I had my baby.

We used to message every day but now it’s totally dwindled as she was taking days and days to reply so I just gave up. But I know for a fact that she messages her mum friends constantly.

We also used to spend lots of time together but have seen each other once in 3 months - she cancelled several times as baby was ill. But then when I did see her talked about how she sees her mum friends at least twice a week and I see this from social media too.

I obviously totally accept that it’s hard to maintain friendships when you’re in the newborn trenches but her baby is nearly a year old. Is this a common experience ? Is it likely that things will return to normal? Or do I need to accept that she’s not interested in maintaining a friendship ?

How old is your child now OP? It is rubbish but I do think friendships can naturally fade or gravitate elsewhere if you have kids of different ages or one has kids and the other child free etc. Life feels so different for both of you that it can sometimes be hard to find common ground.

My LO is 9 months older so not a massive gap really although they are obviously quite different at the moment. I’m a SAHM so I wouldn’t say our lives are massively different aside from the age gap.

Hmm I'd say this is a bit weird. It's normal for friendships to drift when you have less in common, but when you both have small children, it sounds like you could arrange mutually convenient met-ups quite easily. She is possibly being a bit blinkered, seeing your baby as so much older, but I would have expected her to have got over that a bit by now. Is she returning to work? Are her mum friends? She might make more effort if her super convenient circle of mum friends starts to change with some returning to work, but it could also get worse if she gets busier.

If you didn’t have children or you had older children I’d say to give your friend some grace during this life change and it’s normal to gravitate towards people with young kids but your baby is only 9 months older… it is a bit odd

She’s a shit friend. Friendships change, of course they will as your lives have changed but having a baby is not an excuse or reason to ditch a friendship and it really really bugs me when I hear all the bullshit excuses.

The fact is, if she wanted to prioritise your friendship then she would. It’s not even as if you’re at different life stages, you’re in the same one!

I would honestly tell her how you feel and then move on if she doesn’t get it still.

Although I will say my friend had a baby 6 months older than mine but when I did have questions I did speak to the mums in my antenatal group who had babies the same age as mine, I think the likely hood is she has made new friends with babies the same age and has let your friendship go a bit.

If you are close could you reach out and say “hey I miss you! Let’s go soft play / catch up / can I join when you next go out with your mum friends”

I do understand wanting to speak to your antenatal mums when you need advice but I feel like I’ve been totally dumped for her new friends tbh

Yes I’m feeling like its all a bit odd - think she’s going back part time and sounds like her antenatal group are doing the same so I guess time will tell if things get back to normal . Just such a shame as I’d been so excited to have babies within a year of each other as thought we would have grown even closer

I wouldn’t say it was necessarily normal, but I also don’t think it’s unusual and is perhaps a little inevitable - having kids can be all consuming. Personally I really valued my non-kid friends - it’s great to have an outlet where I can be myself again and don’t have to talk about parent stuff.

I lose touch with people whose sole focus of their life is children they become an extension of their children and cant hold a normal adult conversation, I may be a parent but I was an adult before that and am still me i have interest and a job and can still function and not speak about being children constantly so need people around me like this

I do have a child though, 9 months older than her little one.

Not sure what you mean by this - do you mean she’s distanced herself from me because my sole focus is my child because I’m a SAHM?

No idea I dont know you or her so I nor no one else could say anything 100% I was just explaining why I lose touch with people

I'd put in less effort but not walk away from the friendship completely. Some people form really intense bonds with their nct type friends as although you have had the same experiences as her, she shared those experiences with others at the same time. But then those bonds can lessen when people go back to work, partly because there is less time to see each other, partly because mothers will start to get their 'old selves' back after the intense focus on the baby, and partly because as the kids get older, they don't want to hang out with their mums nct friends kids, they want to see their own friends and do things centred around their own interests.

The age gap in babies does seem big when they're really little but when they're school age it won't be noticeable.

You could consider telling her how you feel? That you were really looking forward to having kids of similar ages and seeing her more since you don't work and she is off work, but it hasn't worked out like that so far, you value her friendship and would like to reconnect, and give her a few options of things to do (maybe some kid centred and some not?)