AIBU to expect my husband to stop looking at porn?

[Anon1479]

7 year relationship, 4 year marriage.
About 14 months in, I by accident saw he was paying for porn. It came up as like an email notification on my laptop he’d logged into it and forgotten to log out. We had a huge argument because he’d not been near me for three months and he kept saying it was because he had no sex drive but it turned out he did, just only with himself. We got through it on the agreement it had to stop, he said it was because he saw sex as a chore but he needed to reframe etc. I’ve caught him in similar ways multiple times over the last few years, even on our first family holiday I thought he had a bad stomach cause he was in the bathroom so often but no it was porn again. I’ve just had our second child and saw it on his phone again, this time AI cartoon porn not even people! even though just last week he said he wouldn’t be doing that now that I’m not pregnant anymore.

it feels like I have to accept I’m not good enough for him. He’s been fully aware for 6 years out of the 7 we’ve been together that this affects my self esteem because he would rather go in the bathroom than be with me. I’m a big girl so I assume it’s that but he says it’s nothing to do with me.

I personally feel like after all this time, him knowing it upsets me, him knowing I don’t say no and have offered open conversations about it. He won’t communicate with me about it, he says it makes him uncomfortable to talk about it cause he knows it upsets me but that doesn’t stop him doing it?

is it unreasonable to expect him not to want to get off to cartoons and actors rather than being with his wife? I don’t watch naked videos of men 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m seriously considering leaving him because I don’t love coming second fiddle to actresses but a bloody cartoon? I’m tired of feeling like he wants me to learn to accept I’ll never be enough. If something I was doing was hurting him I’d stop, he just doesn’t care.

The moment a year or so in you became aware of this should have been the moment you left.

He will never change. I couldn't stay. Sorry OP i were you I would have to split up.

No Yanbu, when it is replacing an intimate relationship it is damaging.
As he is paying for it too, I’d bet the free stuff isn’t doing for him now, he could be an addict, it is common these days.

Is he potentially gay ?

He won't change.

Make decisions accordingly.

I think as soon as someone says that having sex with you is a chore, then its over. Why would you want to be with him after that?

Him masturbating and having a fantasy life, perhaps with some involvement of some types of porn wouldn’t worry me. The problem is it’s replaced your intimacy as a couple. Would you/he consider counselling? Otherwise your relationship is dead and he’s killed it.

He said it was intimacy and sex in general that was a chore not with me just generally. He kept saying it was a him issue not a me issue. We were fine for a while after and I thought he’d stopped til I caught him again. He’s told me before he’s addicted. At one stage when we were trying for our baby he wasn’t able to keep it up and blamed the fat he needed porn so said he’d stop. Things improved when he said he’d gone cold turkey but obviously I now think he lied. I knew he was doing it when I was pregnant but I had no interest so I didn’t really care silly me thought it was temporary

He’s just a lazy man, it’s easier satisfying himself without having to worry about returning the favour or sharing the passion. It’s laziness and selfishness. Is he lazy and unmotivated on other areas of his life.
He needs treatment for his addiction and that includes stopping.

It's not that youre not good enough for him, he is not good enough for you. Keep your head high and ditch this saddle.

I mean sex with someone is a lot more effort than sex with yourself. Sex with yourself is all about you. It’s low effort. that’s it high effort if you want but generally it’s doesn’t require much thought.

i won’t pry into the type of sex you have. But think about how do you feel about your sex life. Do you both enjoy it, do you both give it a lot of attention or effort. How much physical effort does it require from both of you? How equal is it etc etc.

if you don’t want him watching porn full stop then you have to leave and should’ve ages ago. If it’s about loss of intimacy then I’d start having some conversations and figuring out what he actually means by a chore. Would you both go to a sex therapist or at least do some intimacy workshops/workbooks

Does he has performance issues?

He is very lazy yes, and will openly admit that. He has been trying to help out more around the house but in general he has a lazy personality

Well if he can’t get it up without porn then he has an addiction. Everything else i said is moot.

Yes sometimes he can struggle to keep it up but he blames porn. If he puts something on his phone it comes back immediately and stays. I know because when we were trying and in the window he had to one night or we wouldn’t have been able to try that ovulation day

'Does he has performance issues?'

Yes sometimes he can struggle to keep it up but he blames porn. If he puts something on his phone it comes back immediately and stays. I know because when we were trying and in the window he had to one night or we wouldn’t have been able to try that ovulation day'

IMO that may be behind this. Maybe lack of confidence fear of intimacy or being exposed. Ovulation another pressure. Ask if he is open to counselling in the meantime maybe try non pen sx. COB etc ask if he likes to watch you. If he is not willing to try to address the issue then you know where you stand. The issue is with him not you but you can work together on it

So sorry you're going through this op

I'd reccomend your partner if he is open to addressing the issue see Chris jones therapy.
Many men give up pornography for good and choose to work on themselves and their relationships. It's not impossible but he will need to want to. Accountability and shame can be the biggest issues to address. It is truly nothing to do with you op at all. This is all him.

for you I'd reccomend listening to helping couples heal podcast too. Joining reddit love after porn has wonderful resources and a community. Looking for a betrayal trauma therapist would be really beneficial too.

Quite surprised you want to have sex with him, to be honest.

I wouldn't be happy about the paying for it. To me I accept that many blokes do look at it to wank. And I don't think it's really my place to say what they do in private. If it has no effect on me.

But if it's bleeding into your own relationship and life and sexual bond then it's not on. And to you it was a boundary from the start. The issue is he doesn't seem prepared to even try and minimise it. He's never going to change sadly.

This is not about your inadequacy but his.

This is what is so pernicious about pornography used as a substitute for real intimacy - it makes women feel that they do not cut the mustard - or come up to scratch.

It is HIS problem - not yours. There is nothing wrong with you. It is normal for libido to wax and wane and mature sane adults deal with this by communication.

Wanking to a bit of porn is so much easier than actually engaging in a real life relationship with a real woman. It starts as laziness, then becomes an addiction and before you know it the relationship is wrecked.