To think abusers can't change?

[OrangeCrushes]

My ex was coercively controlling and emotionally and financially abusive.

He actually is still very nasty to me.

He has made our 9DD's life miserable at various times and has assaulted her. Obviously SS and family court don't care and encourage continued contact.

Lately his life has been going well and he seems to be treating her a bit better. She seems neutral and sometimes even happy to see him. (At the same time, he and his girlfriend apparently scream at each other every night and sometimes break doors etc when they fight).

He has recently said that actually I am the problem and I make DD anxious. He says that my anxiety is the cause of all issues.

Could he really have changed? Is it possible that she is actually safe with him?

he and his girlfriend apparently scream at each other every night and sometimes break doors etc when they fight

That sounds like more of the same not "change"

Your dd is probably learning to be greatful for crumbs at this point

I suppose maybe she has different standards for him and me.

His attacks on my character still can send me into a small tailspin.

Of course he hasn't changed. You're not the problem and you never were. Don't give him headspace, his opinions of you no longer matter.

My OP was all over the place. I think the main question is, is it possible he's not damaging my DD?

Poor wee mite is learning to keep her head below the parapet.

He has recently said that actually I am the problem and I make DD anxious. He says that my anxiety is the cause of all issues.

This is just another form of his emotional abuse. Of you and your DD. He's gaslighting you both.

Unfortunately, no, he won't change. the result is that your dd is always going to be on a knife edge - will he be "nice" today?" "is he going to tell me Mummy is a bad person?" "If I tell him I don't want to do that activity is he going to lose it completely?"

You need to remain consistent and calm for HER. That's all that's important. Don't lie to her. If he says things and she comes home to tell you that daddy says that you are the problem, you say, "Unfortunately, Daddy often thinks that. I don't think it's true and certainly, you and I are happy together so we'll let him have his opinion and leave it at that." etc etc.

I'm sure she's sometimes happy to see him because a) children seem to be genetically programmed to love their parents, even when they're treated badly, so the're always hoping things will be better this time or whatever. and b) no abuser is awful all of the time. So she probably does have plenty of good times with him, in between the endless bad times.

No he has not, nor will he not, change.
He is complete scum and your poor child is in survival mode.

I think if he's been abusive in the past, and has assaulted her, then I would be as anxious as you are. That's a normal reaction. Keep a very close eye and don't hesitate to take it back to court and SS if anything happens. How much time does she spend with him? In a few years, she will have a say in whether she wants to see him or not.

Has he changed? Absolutely not, he is gaslighting you saying you are the problem. I Have some experience of this. Ten years ago I was you OP. He sounds very manipulative, be careful he doesn’t try to turn your DD against you. No it doesn’t sound like she would be safe with him at all !! If she lived with him it would only be to punish you not because he cares about her. I would be wary of her spending too much time with him. You say he has already assaulted her, did you report this to police and school ? she is 9 years old it is a safeguarding issue ? He clearly has violent tendencies if he is breaking doors when he argues, how do you know this did your DD tell you ? And is that really a safe environment for you to place her in ? Please do some research on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and how to deal with an ex partner/co parent with this. Document any assault or nasty behaviour towards your DD. Your absolute priority is the safety of you and your daughter, take a step back don’t listen to him or let yourself be manipulated. Make sure your daughter has a happy stable life away from his abuse and drama. People cannot understand just how difficult it is to deal with a Narc unless you have been through it, arm yourself with some knowledge of NPD and always have your best interests (and DD) at the forefront of your mind when dealing with him. A Narc will always want to control and you have to always be one step ahead.

Children as victims of DA
The DA Act recognises the devastating impact that DA can have on children. Section 3 DA Act came into force on 31 January 2022 and specifically provides that a child, (under 18 years old), who sees, hears, or experiences the effects of DA and is related to the victim or the suspect is also to be regarded as a victim of DA. This will help to ensure that locally commissioned services consider and address the needs of children affected by DA. This does not create any new offence in relation to DA, but prosecutors should be reminded that children that fall within the above definition should be flagged as victims.

(from the CPS website)

OP, use the Domestic Abuse Act (2021) to make a safeguarding referral to Children's Services and don't let your daughter have unsupervised contact with him.

Re the suggestions to go to Social Services:

I have already been through all of this. He strangled her and then said I was a parental alienator, result being that Social Services made me go to a parenting class and told me to encourage their relationship. No one is going to intervene and save us.

Dont believe a word and protect you daughter. They dont change x

Did you report the assault to the police?

My job is rehabilitation for people convicted of domestic abuse. Some do seem to change but it’s very much only if they actually want to.

Yes. They viewed it as a Social Services issue. And he didn't leave marks, so there was little evidence. He also, denied it, again in a suave and charming way while blaming all on me.

What a fascinating job. I don't think my ex has sought help.

Oh, the people I work with are not there through choice. It’s court-mandated.

I guess what I mean is he hasn't demonstrated a desire to change based on how he treats me.

Then I would say the likelihood of change is non-existent. I’m sorry he’s putting you and your DD through this.

Ultimately, yes he will be having an impact on her. You did the right thing by leaving him as that shows to her that it wasn’t a healthy relationship. I would also be making it clear to her that she doesn’t have to see him if she doesn’t want to. I can’t believe SS are believing him over you when he strangled her! Non-fatal strangulation is one of the biggest predictors of homicide of a partner and should be taken very seriously!

Thank you.

They more or less accused my daughter of lying because she didn't describe fighting back against him hard enough when he strangled her. The school was also quite critical of the interview carried out there, under school supervision, but had no power over the proceedings. It was very traumatic for us all.

That is horrendous! Is there anyone higher you can speak to?

No. I have since learned that this is all sadly typical. People in family court and SS believe that mums are conniving and dads are good.

I’m sorry you’re being so let down! Abusers can turn on the charm when they want to. Can always spot it in my role so I’m shocked they don’t know this.

This is awful op. He clearly hasn't changed but your dd is probably grateful that he has his new girlfriend to focus his abuse on. I think it is sadly very common that children who are moved into foster care often demonstrate really strong allegiance to their abusive and neglectful parents, despite everything.

I think some abusers can change, but most do not. Those who do have actually recognised their abusive behaviours and accepted responsibility for them and then done the work to meaningfully change, with the full knowledge and acceptance that this won't eradicate all the terrible things they did in their past or mean they are entitled to forgiveness from their victims or admiration for having changed.

Your ex does not sound remotely like that.