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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH shoved me :(

47 replies

Passedproblems · 03/02/2026 08:54

Can't believe I'm writing this. Been married for 14 years. On Saturday I was doing something in the kitchen my Dd who is 6 was attempting to start a school project and needed my help. I told her clearly to wait until after I had finished in the kitchen but she didn't and then kept coming in to ask for help. I lost it and yelled at her but left what i was doing and went to the dining table to help her. My husband who was on the phone started swearing at me and telling me to stop yelling. I told him not to and I know he pushed me and possibly punched my arm. I was in shock but didn't retaliate. He said 'she hasn't stopped crying, speak nicely to her, she's your daughter '. I responded with: 'I'm your wife, you just hit me'. He said 'so what, I'll hit you more' and walked away. I know I was in the wrong to have been yelling at my daughter but I think his reaction was unreasonable. We all have our off moments.

How do I now navigate this? I always said I would walk away if I was in this situation but here I am. He has not apologised he hasn't acknowledged what happened. I've carried on as normal. Batch cooked, ordered stuff he's asked me to for his bike, trying to be normal for the children but we aren't 'talking' I do not want to be affectionate. Neither of us have tried. In all honesty I thought I would return from work yesterday to an apology or at least to some words of how he over reacted, but I have nothing. I don't want to force an apology from him either.

I cannot speak to anyone about this in real life. I'm so embarrassed :( I just don't know what to do. Thankfully my dd seems oblivious.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 03/02/2026 11:59

You say "I always said I would walk away if I was in this situation but here I am", which suggests to me that you don't see what he did as assault. That it doesn't count because it's "just" a shove rather than a punch in the face.

However, over time he has gone from verbal arguments to kicking a door off its hinges to shoving you. This is an escalation in violence and if you stay, he will likely keep escalating.

He hasn't apologised because he doesn't think he did anything wrong - that should tell you all you need to know.

Whyarepeople · 03/02/2026 12:00

Men who break objects in anger are known to escalate to physical abuse. He hasn't shown any remorse, in fact his response was to threaten you, which means he doesn't see any issue with what he did and he will do it again. If you stay you are signing up for further abuse.

BerryTwister · 03/02/2026 12:02

His behaviour after shoving you is almost worse than the shove itself. A shove in the heat of the moment, followed by a profuse apology, is bad enough. But a shove followed by a threat of worse, and no guilt at all, is really worrying. He basically told you that he thinks it's OK to hit you, and that he plans to do it again in future.

Proccy · 03/02/2026 12:03

You have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
A full, frank discussion of the events must happen today whilst it's all still fresh. You don't necessarily need an apology but you do need to know if he was serious about potentially laying hands on you again. If there's any ambiguity about that then your plan for the worst must be enacted, for your protection and the psychological protection of your DD.

ASometimeThing · 03/02/2026 12:03

How awful. Shouting, shoving and now not speaking. Your poor daughter.

i’ve never been in this situation, but I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t immediately think my marriage was over.

You and your husband need to sit down and talk about this. If you want to stay together, work out between you what you can do to do to improve things and make sure it never happens again.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 03/02/2026 12:08

You are shouting, he is shouting, the little girl is crying, then an assault, a bloody nightmare. This isn’t fair on your child first and foremost. How long has this shouting escalation been going on? I doubt it is new.
The assault is unacceptable, the home sounds like a pressure cooker.

Passingthrough123 · 03/02/2026 12:25

You need to separate what he did from what you did to your DD. Have you apologised to her yet? She came to you for help with a school project and you yelled at her until she cried. You were still yelling as you followed her from kitchen to dining room.

That in no way mitigates what happened next with your DH, but it does sound like he's not the only one in the household who needs to be held accountable for abusive traits.

Rayqueen2026 · 03/02/2026 12:58

Nah your as bad as each other and if it hadn't started with you yelling at a child which is totally unacceptable it wouldn't have gone to anything. Your both way out of order poor kid

Uhghg · 03/02/2026 13:00

I think it would depend on how aggressive you were towards your DD.

You say he was on the phone and was telling you to stop yelling - this sounds like you were yelling at your DD quite a lot.

There is no excuse for his behaviour but I too have been physical with a man as he was being aggressive towards his DD and I felt I needed to protect her (obviously I could have made the situation worse but luckily didn’t).

If it was a push/shove and you were being aggressive towards DD then I’d let it go.
If he’s hit you then take a photo of the bruise (in case you want to report/have issues with contact etc) and ask him to leave for a couple of days to get your head straight.

Do you both often shout and swear?
What was the circumstances when he lost his temper before?

Original poster
Passedproblems · 03/02/2026 13:17

I wasn't aggressive to my daughter, I was annoyed yes, no swearing involved on my part. My husband started swearing at me and I told him to stop. That's when the shove happened. Like I've said before only a couple of occasions. It's not like this all the time at all. I will have a conversation with him this evening.

OP posts:
Uhghg · 03/02/2026 13:24

Passedproblems · 03/02/2026 13:17

I wasn't aggressive to my daughter, I was annoyed yes, no swearing involved on my part. My husband started swearing at me and I told him to stop. That's when the shove happened. Like I've said before only a couple of occasions. It's not like this all the time at all. I will have a conversation with him this evening.

When did the punch happen?

You were shouting at your DD and then DH came over and shouted at you to stop yelling at her and then you said “stop” so then he pushed you??

TittyGajillions · 03/02/2026 13:53

There's a whole lot of victim blaming and mental gymnastics going on on this thread 🙄

Passingthrough123 · 03/02/2026 13:58

Passedproblems · 03/02/2026 13:17

I wasn't aggressive to my daughter, I was annoyed yes, no swearing involved on my part. My husband started swearing at me and I told him to stop. That's when the shove happened. Like I've said before only a couple of occasions. It's not like this all the time at all. I will have a conversation with him this evening.

Yelling IS aggressive behaviour. You yelled at her until she cried. Again, not mitigating what he did, but you are at fault too. Annoyed that she asked for help? That's not great.

Do you regularly yell at your child?

Comtesse · 03/02/2026 14:03

TittyGajillions · 03/02/2026 13:53

There's a whole lot of victim blaming and mental gymnastics going on on this thread 🙄

You are not wrong.

If I shout at my kids (which I do sometimes) does that mean I would deserve to be pushed, maybe punched and threatened with further violence by an adult man? A man who has kicked a door off its hinges previously. And hasn’t apologised for his loss of control. It is NOT the same.

Ali1262 · 03/02/2026 14:37

I was in an abusive relationship and what i can tell you from my own experience is its the boiling frog effect.
Most abusive men know that if they came straight out and punched you then you would leave so they start small a small shove here or there and when you stay it does escalate, they know you wont leave so they get worse and worse.
Im not normally a ltb poster but on this occasion I am saying ltb as soon as you can if not for you then for your daughter you dont want her growing up thinking an abusive relationship is a healthy normal relationship because its 100% not.

PardonMe3 · 03/02/2026 14:45

Passedproblems · 03/02/2026 13:17

I wasn't aggressive to my daughter, I was annoyed yes, no swearing involved on my part. My husband started swearing at me and I told him to stop. That's when the shove happened. Like I've said before only a couple of occasions. It's not like this all the time at all. I will have a conversation with him this evening.

It has escalate and it will escalate. Stop making excuses for him. Stop minimising his bebehaviourhus behaviour is enough to keep you on eggshells. It's enough for you to worry about his response and modify your behaviour. If this was happening to your child would you say its okay love, its only happened a few times or would you tell her to get the hell out of dododg? Also remember that kids emulate behaviour. Do you want your child to behave like this or to accept someone treat her like this?

wrongthinker · 03/02/2026 15:04

You have described a pattern of behaviour that started with violence towards objects and has now escalated to violence towards you. He's also threatened to hit you more. I think the relationship is done, don't you?

Your daughter is also the victim of abuse, having seen her dad physically assault her mum. This doesn't get any better, OP. There's no excuse for not protecting your daughter.

As to you 'losing it' with your daughter because she was asking for help, I have to admit that didn't land well with me, either. But I don't think being shoved and hit is excusable (unless there's some context that you've omitted, such as you physically assaulting your daughter.)

Wakemeupinapril · 03/02/2026 15:08

Be honest with yourself. His behaviour is escalating..
He absolutely will progress to hitting you full on. Tell him to get on his bike and fuck off.
Don't ignore Teh signs or you give him the green light that this is OK.

pikkumyy77 · 03/02/2026 15:10

TittyGajillions · 03/02/2026 08:59

You need to make plans to leave or tell him to leave, you can't stay and raise your daughter with a violent man. He's threatened to hit you more, you need to get out. No amount of apologising can make it right.

This. “So what I will hit you more?” He needs to move out.

Abd80 · 03/02/2026 15:15

He has shown you his true self. And he is remorseless. And he’s told you it will happen again. “I’ll hit you more”
believe him.
and leave.

Fancycrab · 03/02/2026 15:19

youalright · 03/02/2026 09:28

I think you both crossed a line in a stressful situation. I think you need to both take a step back calm down and talk about it.

How has she crossed a line? By shouting at her child? Everyone shouts at their kids sometimes. That’s in no way comparable to her husband hitting & shoving her. He’s the one that crossed the line.

OP, obviously what he did is concerning but what’s way more concerning is him saying “I’ll hit you more” and not being shocked & ashamed at what he did and apologising. You need to have a seriously honest conversation about his behaviour. If he doesn’t see how wrong he was I’d be seriously questioning the relationship

Bonkers1966 · 03/02/2026 15:28

That's really bad. Sorry this happened. Slowly and carefully start putting important items in a safe place. Contact the women's help lines for advice. See a solicitor if you can stomach it. Don't make any dramatic announcements about leaving as this may trigger homicidal rage
Be very careful but take steps.

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