AIBU for expecting more structure with DSD?

[Speckledeggs21]

Please be gentle. I’m exhausted and genuinely questioning whether I’m being unreasonable here.

My DSD moved in with us after being out of school for around two years. This was agreed as being in her best interests, with the aim of getting her back into education, which has now happened.

Since she moved in, however, I feel like I’m constantly battling everyone else just to introduce basic structure and responsibility.

Homework is a major issue. It’s always left until the very last minute. Even when she’s supposedly “doing homework”, the TV is on, she’s on her phone, and there’s no dedicated, quiet homework time. Unsurprisingly, very little gets done.

We’ve discussed (and agreed) that all homework should be completed before we go out at weekends. Despite this, DSD will insist it’s done, then at 8pm announce she “can’t do it” because it’s too hard. She struggles academically and genuinely needs things explained and talked through, so it isn’t something that can be rushed. I feel this comes down to DP not checking or enforcing boundaries, but nothing changes.

What makes this harder is that with our joint children, the same rules are adhered to. They understand expectations because they’ve always had them, and they follow them. This inconsistency is really difficult.

Food is another ongoing problem. DSD eats constantly, often having what amounts to a full dinner before dinner. Or finishing every bottle of juice in the fridge/snacks without anyone else being able to have a look in. No one challenges this, and our food bills have skyrocketed.

Clothes are also becoming an issue. DSD regularly asks GP/DP to buy new socks and underwear because she “has none”. I repeatedly ask if anything needs washing and am told no. I recently went to retrieve washing myself and found FOUR full wash loads of dirty clothes, including what felt like hundreds of socks and knickers. Neither DP nor GP challenge this.

The school uniform situation has been another source of frustration. We bought a whole new uniform, but GP bought another pair of school shoes when DSD changed her mind. We also bought trousers after DSD decided she didn’t want to wear a skirt — and now she wears neither, choosing things she’s not allowed to wear. We’ve made it clear that this is on her: if she gets a detention, we won’t be bailing her out. DSD has a brand new coat 3 months ago but now no longer wants it so wants another. It’s a complete waste of money. It’s exhausting having to try to enforce consistency when it feels like no one else is backing it.

Whenever I do try to raise boundaries or expectations, GP are quick to chime in that we’re being “too harsh”, which completely undermines any consistency and leaves me feeling like the unreasonable one for wanting basic routines.

To add to this, I’ve been told that DSD’s BM (and sometimes GP) have done her homework for her in the past, which DP hasn’t addressed. Given how much school she’s already missed, this feels incredibly counterproductive.

I feel like there are multiple parenting approaches given to DSD which doesn’t give the poor child any consistency. I feel like I’m the only one trying to put routines, boundaries and accountability in place, and I’m constantly made to feel like the villain for raising concerns.

So… AIBU for being fed up and blaming my DP’s lack of parenting here? Or do I need to step back and accept that this is just how it’s going to be?

Apologies, I should be more specific about food – not restricting it. We simply advise being mindful that once something is gone it’s gone. We do a massive weekly food shop so it’s more about being considerate of others and realising that items will only be restocked the following weekend. This also helps us avoid frequent supermarket trips.

Yanbu. If she is going to live with you, then she needs to accept your house rules. It isn't fair to your other dc to have to live by different rules.

If grandma thinks she can do a better job of parenting dsd, then perhaps she should step up and do just that - in her own home and not yours.

Your real problem is your H, though. He needs to step up and support you to ensure consistency for all of the kids in your home. If he feels that your routines are too rigid or that your rules are too strict, then he absolutely has a right to raise those concerns, and you need to listen and compromise where necessary. But you both need to agree some consistent approaches between you which apply equally to all resident dc. And he needs to be prepared to tell his mother to butt out where appropriate

Notwithstanding the above, it doesn't sound like all is quite right with your dsd. Two years out of school without any health issues or neurodivergence is unusual. And then there is the question of why it was deemed appropriate for her to move in with you when she was previously living elsewhere. It sounds like things probably haven't been easy for her to date, so I would cut her some slack where you can and recognise that this must be a monumental transition for her.

I would just say it's homework time now. Hand me your phone. If there are no rooms she can work in that don't contain a telly I'd switch it off or remove some cables and say it stays off till finished.

I would allow her to listen to music though. If it didn't distract her. I remember music helping me do homework and I have ADHD.

Give her a chance to be there concentrating on her own.

If she then needs help, help her.

She needs to show you her work once she's done then she's free to do whatever.

There won't be an opportunity for her to have pretended as you'll see and she'll just have to go back and spend even more time on it.

Then reward her for improving behaviour, grades and rule adherence both at school and home.

Some of her issues sound like typical inconsiderate teen (particularly coming from a place of little or no structure). The real problem is your in laws.

Your husband needs to step up and tell his parents that they need to back off, or he will stop contact
Sound extreme but they are the problem..... How do they even get in your house to do laundry or tidy the room? He needs to not let them in.

Homework wise, she sits at the kitchen table. No phone, no tv. DH checks it everyday, and only when it is all completed (or attempted to her best ability) does she get her phone back. No homework, no phone.

Meet with school for a "meeting around the child" with you, step daughter, your partner AND the blooming grandparents if they're so intent on being involved. So with her head of year maybe, her form tutor in a pastoral role, maybe the family engagement worker.

School need to know that you are trying and your partner and grandparents need to see that being on the same side singing from the same hymn sheet is more important than being the step daughter's favourite adult.

A trauma-informed approached would be useful for ALL of the adults involved.

Homework wise, I was always last minute, I still do my best under pressure. But no one checked up on me because I was bright and managed to get top marks despite being a day dreamer with a scatty approach to pretty much everything. My approach with my kids has been that it's their responsibility in high school to make the time and do the work. Clearly, your stepdaughter has challenges that mean this approach won't work but if she's missed 2 years of school she's not been flexing that independent study muscle, she's not motivated, she doesn't know how to do it, she's probably struggling with the content and expectations, it all gets overwhelming and she gives up.

What else is going on in her life that makes her feel good about herself and gives you a place to celebrate her? Any sports, hobbies, music, volunteering, work? If she's not academic and all she's hearing is homework this, school uniform that, where's her joy coming from?

The food and drink thing is hard when you change homes. It's all so blooming hard. And feels unfair and confusing and this is something she has some control over. Everyone else is telling her what she's allowed to in every other area of her life.

Maybe she's embarrassed about her underwear. Think about things from her perspective. Here's this woman who's not her mum taking her dirty knickers and socks and tights and bras and who doesn't stop telling her what to do and pointing out everything that's wrong with her and her life and her existence and on top of that she gets to handle your intimate clothing with any embarrassing stains or marks or period leaks.

Or maybe she's just a gross teenager like my youngest who leaves his undies on his bedroom floor.

She is angry. She is disenfranchised. She is not going to slot neatly into your life and behave like your children who've had their routine and have always felt loved and supported. You've obviously been a good mum to them and your step child is now a whole different challenge.

She's 15, she feels grown up but she's still a child. Her life experiences so far haven't helped. You're doing the right thing in asking for help.

Honestly, the only good thing about this post is that you wrote DP rather than DH, and you haven’t mentioned any children you have in common.

Which means it is so easy for you to just leave and cut ties.

This disaster of a “DSD” isn’t going to go away at 18. She’s going to get worse and worse. She is a disgusting, selfish, lying brat and her family have enabled it.

I recommend you leave the whole family ASAP. They do NOT need to be your problem!

I feel sorry for this child and I feel sorry for you. The adults around you are letting you both down. You have to get your partner on side if she is going to stay living in the house. He needs to understand how stressful and unfair the inconsistency is for you and your other kids. He needs to stand up to his parents. This is step 1 really. If he won't work with you to come up with solutions either she will have to leave or they both will. There are lots of things you can try, family counselling, couples counselling, spending more quality time with her, family meetings where you outline the issue and work on agreed solutions. There has clearly been a lot of instability in her life so while boundaries are needed I think she needs a lot of sympathetic support and being listened to.

@Roosch , it's in the OP: What makes this harder is that with our joint children, the same rules are adhered to. They understand expectations because they’ve always had them, and they follow them. This inconsistency is really difficult.

Is there any chance that your DSD has dyslexia or a processing speed difficulty, genuinely making it hard for her to think through and understand the homework?

Does she need help to break down the homework?

What strikes me (as the last of my teens is now 18,) is that the things that got us through the teen years were started well before teens.

You are taking her on as a teen, so some of that stuff you are going to need to go back to basics.

Things like laundry. I would go into her room (when she is in there) with the laundry basket, and together go through the clothes and put the dirties in the basket. Do this every week, but over a few weeks, she does more and you do less.
If she is unco-operative, then either get dh to do it, or threaten a bin bag - she sorts or you put the whole lot into a bin bag and it goes in the bin.
So a mix of support and discipline.

Homework is really tricky. At this age it was between dc and school, and we provided space and structure, but didn't get into the detail. But she is not at that stage. Either you or dh needs access to her homework diary/journal and then on Friday night/saturday morning sit down and go through the diary and give help as needed. But I foudn it easier to have saturday off and do homework on Sunday, so you may need ot compromise on when and how.

Food - have separate snack cupboard/shelf in fridge which they can use, and the rest are designated for meals, so not allowed. Be clear with everyone that large snacks are not allowed just before dinner. Put in consequences for not following house rules. You can have food rules without being restrictive etc over food. So expensive things get shared, and there are cheaper snacks to fill up on. But again, we started this early, so my kids knew not to eat the stuff for dinner out of the fridge. Also have a discussion about which snacks she would like, and have those in, so that she feels included and that her needs matter.

As to GP - without DH on your side I am not sure what you can do. But I do think a serious meeting with them is required. It might be worth talking to them about how she is going to grow into an independent adult at 18, only 3 years away, if not by learning small steps now (eg over washing)

and while it goes against the grain as you are doing everything, she does also need love. Maybe she is feeling the fallout of the last few years and she really needs lots of love

Hmmmm somewhat in the middle here.

I fully agree that it must be incredibly frustrating dealing with it all, especially the GPs BUT that opening post is all about the problematic behaviour of your DSD and not the terrible parenting from your DP and the GPs.

I mean the GPs coming round and bringing down DSDs washing is a hella more shocking than a 15 year old eating you out of house and home. One is perfectly normal…..the other bonkers!!!

You have to recognise at 15, there’s not really all that much you will be able to instil as new rules. It’s clearly the GPs and your DP that have set what the boundaries are (or the lack of them). That was your choice to get with someone that had a kid, who has been raised this way.

I know very little blended families where all the kids follow the same rules. My father, a strict parent, raised me and my sister very differently to how my DF partner raised her sons. She was very permissive. It’s just the way things are.

Also, it doesn’t sound from the opening post that you particularly like your DSD. I understand there’s some frustrating behaviour, but honestly, at 15…..the worst you’re having to worry about is homework, a teenage appetite and a teenager who doesn’t understand the value of money. What teen doesn’t have these issues!!!

Im guessing your kids are younger, where your rules and boundaries are easier to implement. That all goes away in the teenage years. You clearly have to take a softer approach. Having hundreds of knickers lying about is MONTHS of no washing. That’s really on you and your DP. You have to be able to help her without such an authoritarian approach. It’s clearly not working.

I think what would be best is you either relax and be a little kinder. Or just step back completely and let the GPs and DP deal with her.

Your way isn’t working at all. So decide how it changes. You adapt your parenting style to suit that of a teenager or you step away and just deal with your own kids.

Send her to live with the inlaws.

your dp isn’t going to man up any time soon, and it’s either that or your relationship will go kaboom.

this is not your problem to fix.

inlaws need to stop undermining your home life, locks changed, not allowed in.

or, as I say, DSD lives with them. Let THEM deal with the mess/expense etc

and she VERY MUCH sounds ND.