Did I encourage bad behaviour and treatment towards myself

[AmyJahabee]

Please tell me what is going on with me ..

I don’t speak up for myself, I’m I at fault for encouraging people to treat me badly? I try to be respectful a lot of times.

I started a new job Jan 2025, change department/different area of work but within the company. Been with company for 12 years. Doing the same role for 11 years and wanted to do something different but I had some transferable skills from my old role to new role.
the problem is since I started working in the role I have been working with a manager (not my direct manager) who has been nothing but horrible to me, shouting at me, questioning me checking if I know what I’m doing infront of colleagues, the biggest was last November 2025 when he screamed and shouted at me infront of the open office floor.
my direct manager spoke to me and said that his behaviour towards me wasn’t acceptable and that he will talk to him.

few days later he then apologise to me very informally standing over my shoulder and said sorry.

After that incident I said to my direct manager I don’t want to work on his projects, and requested to be moved to another project but nothing has been done. My direct manager just said yes but nothing has been done. So consequently I have just accepted and carry on working with the horrible manager. As feel like I don’t have a choice

Now after that incident every time I had a check in with my direct manager she will say “I think he is really sorry and has changed to a new person” then she will say to me “with the new you have forgotten about that incident and moved on, starting all good” I usually don’t reply. I really feel like she want to down play the incident but why?

I hate going to work and constantly feeling anxious and stressed.

I'm I overthinking, I want to find a different job and leave but thinking maybe the grass is not greener on the other side.

Should I have spoken up the first time the horrible manager yelled at me?
I have very low self esteem. I used to be a people pleaser but at the time didn’t realise I was doing it.

what should I do

You need to speak up for yourself.

You can still stand up now. This is a skill you have to learn, so start now and it will get easier. Ask for a meeting with your manager and take bullet points of what you want to say to guide you when you feel nervous in the meeting.
Explain the professional side.
Explain how it has affected you personally.
If nothing comes from it then contact HR (I work in a school so my set up will be different, it might be someone else says HR should be there for the meetjng).
It's never too late to stand up for yourself.
Also, if he does act completely inappropriately again then you need to have a plan in your head ready. Number 1- fine to walk away. Maybe with a sentence of 'you are not acting professionally right now, 'don't speak to me like that'.
We were taught not to argue back, to people please. I'm only in the last 2 years finally standing up for myself at work and in my private life. So build those skills in little areas. I was advised that when someone asks me something, my initial response needs to be no... rather than yes!

I would find a new role there away from them, or a new job. I would not be putting up with this. People do not change.

Thank you both @BookArt55 I always feel
obliged to say yes. Don’t know why? It has really affected me as I’m always rewinding the incident in my head and all the other things he did to me constantly always thinking about it

It’s because it’s been left open ended.

You need to say something like, I appreciate he apologised nevertheless I’m still uncomfortable with the way shouty manager behaved towards me, and I’m still waiting for confirmation one way or another I won’t be working on any if his projects, when do you think I’ll get a response on that? Manage upwards on this.

If it’s still unclear or you don’t like the response then. You can think about looking elsewhere.

You need to raise a grievance with HR. This is bullying at work.

The first time your manager yelled at you in front of colleagues yoiu should have said somethig like

"I dont appreciate being apoken to in this way in front of collueages. This is unprofessional and unacceptable. If you have anything to say to me I insist that you do so in private otherwise I will be forced to raise a formal grievance and call witnesses."

I did this once to a manager when I was failly new in the job. He later apologised and said he was having a bad day. He never did it again. I think I scared him.

How has he been since he apologised? People bully people because the feel like they have the power. Take tua power away and they won’t. If he says anything again, you need to stand up for yourself.

You can't change what has been, only how you react in the future.

If hes been better towards you, then i would carry on and keep your head up - if you like the job.

You also dont have to stick up for yourself if you're feeling uncomfortable - you just have to log the event with HR. If possible, try and get others to witness it.

If you dont feel comfortable talking to HR you can email them and explain, "I dont feel comfortable talking about this face to face, when I do - i feel like i have to diminish my feelings to make others feel better". So they understand this side to your personality and will take this into account if you have a face to face meeting with them.

OR maybe you can record audio of his next shouting session so they can hear it for themselves. Although someone better at HR on here should probably confirm if that would be acceptable or not!

@Hufflemuff
“feel like i have to diminish my feelings to make others feel better” this is really how I feel always thinking of other people and not myself

Read this and act on it

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/six-pillars-of-self-esteem-book-nathaniel-branden-phd-9780553374391

If he genuinely screamed and shouted at you then his job is gone, here's why.

If a stranger approached you and "screamed and shouted at you" you might reasonably form the opinion that they were going to get physical with you. The moment you form that reasonable opinion, they can commit the criminal offence of assault. An open plan office is technically a public space for the purposes of the Public order Act. So if another employee though he was out of line and scared of his behaviour then there is another offence there.

Now, while all these are technical offences, they demonstrate the serious nature of getting involved in "screaming and shouting" at a colleague.

Report to HR, immediate complaint, mention you are likely to make an official complaint of assault to the Police. Await their response.

Never, ever, ever tolerate a man "screaming and shouting" at you. It's not communication, it's bullying and intimidation. If you let this fly, you are communicating to everyone who witnessed it that YOU condone his actions and would stand by and watch him do it to another woman.

So you have to make this clear to HR - so if you start to back down or loose ooomff in a face to face telling - they will understand a little better.

Only you can change your behaviour. Its no use saying i have to diminish my feelings to make others feel better, I have no self esteem, i don't speak up for myself - then you need to make changes.

How ridiculous does this sound: "oh i cant tell the time; i depend on other people to tell me the time, if someone else doesn't tell me the time then i don't know the time" - you'd be telling this person to learn to tell the time; there are many resources to help, there are many ways to "tell the time" - you need to start to become your own voice, stop diminishing your feelings to make others feel better.

Update: I did spoke to a union member for help about the situation. The union rep seem only helpful by listening and take note but no action from him at all unless I ask. We ended the last conversation that was before Christmas that he would contact HR informally to discuss the issue before I decide to make a complaint formally. But he never got back to me to give me update and I have been chasing him for updates. His response is usually “I have chased and reached out to HR but not had any response”.

I don’t know what to think, he doesn’t seem to bothered to help and if he is truthful then HR is not bothered as well.
Again making me doubt myself and think I’m just causing problems

Good for you.

now (today) Reach out to HR yourself in writing.

Forward his response chain
Leave him on cc:

And say
" Hi,

I am following up on the below.
Please confirm receipt and timeline for response ad I would like to understand next steps"

Write down the date of evert incident. Write down what happened. Who you told
What their response was. What his response was. Take it to HR. It's work place harassment/ bullying ans it needs to stop.

So they were out of line in November , been hauled over the coals and haven’t been horrible since ? But you won’t move on ?

I mean I’d be straight on top of any more bad behaviour but I would be able to park the previous incident