AIBU to want low/no contact with my partner’s siblings after being ignored during pregnancy and early baby days?

[Strawberrycream123]

I’ve been with my partner for around 15 years. I get on fine with some of his wider family, but I’ve always had a poor relationship with his siblings and their partners. It’s never been outright hostile, just awkward and distant, and we don’t have independent relationships with each other.

In 2024 my husband fell out with both siblings. On the surface it was over fairly petty/non-issues, but it stemmed from longer-term feelings on his side about being excluded and treated as an afterthought. The fallout had nothing to do with me and, given some previous (now resolved) conflict, I deliberately stayed out of it.

I became pregnant in 2025 and had our baby later that year. Because my husband wasn’t speaking to his siblings at the time, and because I don’t have my own relationship with them, I didn’t tell them about the pregnancy directly. They found out through the family grapevine.

They never congratulated us, never reached out during the pregnancy, and never acknowledged the birth. While that hurt, I didn’t massively expect anything different given the lack of relationship.

What has stuck with me is that when my baby was around 8 weeks old, I bumped into both siblings and their partners in town. They completely ignored me and my baby — no hello, no acknowledgement at all. I found that really upsetting, especially at such a vulnerable time.

Since then, my husband has repaired his relationships with both siblings. They have now met our son and are back in contact with him. I’m supportive of him rebuilding those relationships, but I’m finding it really hard to be around them myself and have started making excuses to avoid family situations.

I feel angry and uncomfortable, but also feel like I don’t quite have the “right” to be, because they technically didn’t owe me anything and their original fallout wasn’t about me.

Realistically, I’d prefer to stay very low contact or no contact with them personally, while still allowing my husband (and our son) to have a relationship with them. I’m struggling to see how that works in practice though — particularly around things like our son’s birthday and future family events.

AIBU to want to keep my distance from my partner’s siblings after how they behaved, even though my husband has now made up with them? And how do people manage this without it becoming a bigger issue down the line?

First of all, I understand why you must feel hurt. I had a similar-but-different experience with my SIL when I was pregnant. However, I would say there's more peace to be found here in leaving the past behind (I say this as someone NC with both parents, so I'm not usually a "leave it in the past" person!).

Your husband fell out with them before you became pregnant, and so they didn't know and presumably were no contact all the way through. When they saw you at 8 weeks, were you back in contact? I would imagine they were respecting the no contact, and didn't want to upset you or your DH by having contact with you and the baby when your DH wasn't around. I think that's a difficult dynamic to navigate, and I'd probably do the same - I'd want to come over and speak to you, but wouldn't want to cross those boundaries.

SIL did not speak to me at all when I was pregnant (it was linked to jealousy due to fertility issues). She ignored my existence completely. Once DD was born, she ignored us at first, but gradually warmed up. Like you, I was fuming initially - I wanted to be low contact, I was angry that she'd been so distant and negative about the pregnancy only to suddenly turn up afterwards as if nothing happened - but over time, I realised that it wasn't worth hanging on to that. She's the best auntie to DD and an amazing SIL now; I think that brief time of no contact is actually what preserved our relationship. Sometimes distance is just what people need.

YANBU to feel the way you feel about it, but YWBU to let your anger now affect relationships between all of you long term.

I think it’s six of one and half a dozen of another. You don’t maintain a relationship with them yourself, your DH had decided not to talk to them, and neither of you bothered telling them you were pregnant, but you expected them to congratulate you on the baby they had to find out about through the grapevine, and want to stop and have a cheery chat with you and admire your baby. I’d probably have ignored you, too tbh.

You can have whatever type of contact with them that you please, but all this “not talking to” each other and wanting to cut people out for not behaving how you wanted them to when they’d been cut out is just childish.

I’m on the fence.

I understand your feelings are you are in the middle.

But, I can also see why they didn’t congratulate you and your partner or ask about the baby. Neither of you directly told his siblings you were pregnant - they probably assumed that you didn’t care about them knowing. Now if I was them, and someone didn’t tell me they were pregnant but I found out through the grapevine I wouldn’t go out of my way to congratulate as I would of thought “they don’t want me knowing or didn’t care to tell me”

It doesn’t sound like this is any shock, your partner has already had issues with feeling left out / not cared about.

It’s ok to be upset but I would try and be supportive of your partner - if he is trying to make up with his siblings and their relationship is getting better then I would try and support him. If they suddenly ditch you again then I’d cut them off for good x

Things that happen when you are pregnant and post-partum can cut deep. You didn't have a good relationship with them anyway. Try not to give them too much headspace - avoid them as much as possible, just be polite and distant at family occasions that can't be avoided.

It’s a tough one. I much much older than you. My SIL has never liked me for various reasons and when we were young, we did have some extreme words at times. We’re all older, wiser and with a lot of water under the bridge and really whilst it won’t be forgotten, I think we’ve come to a “polite point “ where really we both want to move and want a different relationship. I was very young when I met my husband, he comes from a big family which I was fairly excited about myself, I really wanted my SIL to be the sister I never had…but she hated me it seemed so of course I hated her back….

now I’m a mother in law with 2 adult sons myself, I now realise how awful that must have been for my mil. And I regret that tbh. I regret that I really liked my mil and that must have caused her some sadness and actually some awkwardness at social
Occasions like Christmas etc. tbh I regret not getting on with SIL full stop but as I say I’m much older than you, I didn’t regret how we were at 20,30,40,50 etc.

my husband has a situation much like yours. My husband is one of 3 kids. Their parents died within 6 months of each other. Everyone was grieving, everyone was coping with it differently, and the bottom line is the 3 siblings fell out over various things. This was in 2018. Cut a very long story short, my husband still isn’t speaking to his brother….i randomly bumped into his sister in Sainsbury’s who pleaded with me for a resolution with her brother (my husband). I’ve never ever wanted to be involved with it. I’ve always been “Switzerland” if you like. It’s never been my argument and it will never be. I spoke to my SIL despite not seeing her for years and the situation… I would speak to my husbands brother and wife if I saw them in the same situation. Sure it would be no great chat, but I would pass a civil time of day.

in your circumstances, you must do what’s right for you. I did urge my husband to reconcile with his sister. And he has vaguely. We’ve met once for dinner for her birthday, they’ve come here once for a family celebration. In fact my SIL is as nice as nice can be lol. What a shame she wasn’t as nice as this to me when I was 20 years old 😅😆. But really the perspective is better. Life is better. I don’t want to a war with the woman anymore. My husband and I have decided for the greater good…for our adult kids, our grandchildren, it’s good for them to have the wider family. You can do what’s you think is right. Weigh up I guess wouldn’t it be nice for your son to know his wider family? Wouldn’t it be nice for you to have family occasions together? Are you happy to be left out if your husband and son attend these things without you? I know you feel that they’ve not treated you very nicely and sure it would have been loads better to have acknowledged you at the very least, but maybe they’re just awkward to about it? I’d probably give it another try myself and see how the land lies from there really

Very tough situation.

On one hand you could give them the benefit of the doubt and say maybe they felt awkward when they saw you with the baby and didn’t know what to say, not an excuse but it’s possible that was what was going on rather than a desire to purposefully ignore you. When you feel vulnerable post partum that can cut deep so I can understand how this has stayed with you.

That said, I think you could strike a balance here. Perhaps just be polite and have minimum contact as required be that at family birthday parties of whatever else comes up, you don’t need to be their best friends but you also don’t need to keep the tension going if your DH has made amends and wants to see his family.

What does DH think? Seeing as it’s his side of the family I would probably be led by him to a degree. You are a team and it’s good to show a united front if possible. But unless they make a huge effort with you, I wouldn’t be going above and beyond for them at the same time.

when my baby was around 8 weeks old, I bumped into both siblings and their partners in town. They completely ignored me and my baby — no hello, no acknowledgement at all

I think I’d need to know more about this encounter in order to give an opinion, tbh. Was it an actual interaction on your part and they deliberately snubbed you?