What’s wrong with me

[Feelingallalone]

Does anyone else ever feel they’re never happy with life no matter what changes they make? I was married for 15 years and was very unhappy for most of it. I have 2 fabulous kids who I adore. I finally made the move and left my marriage a few years ago. Thinking I would be so happy once out of it but I’m not. My now partner is a good guy who is respectful which my ex was not but I can’t help but find fault with him and I feel it will finish us some day. I worry constantly about my kids and worry that I’m not a good mom. I get sad a lot over hurting my ex by breaking up our family. I feel so guilty when I do things that make me happy like going on trips away because I feel like I am leaving my children behind and having a life without them! Btw they are aged 22 and 15. I don’t like when my partner has a drink while watching a match or if he wants to have a drink over the weekend as my ex never did and I don’t think he should either in case it upsets my children. I enjoy a drink at weekends myself but feel I am letting my children down by having drink in the house as my ex rarely drinks at home. In fact he hates it and thinks it’s for losers. I don’t like going to work anymore because I feel like a failure in front of my happily married co workers. I have arguments with my partner about his lack of closeness to his kids and family as my ex is extremely close to all of his. Basically I feel that no matter what I do I’m not happy. I love making my house nice and homely but I have lost interest in that too. I honestly feel sometimes that my children would have a much more stable life if they didn’t have me in their lives and I’m such a mess emotionally. I am constantly going over in my head conversations I’ve had with them and if they are judging me eg did I say the right thing or did I make them feel important. I do think I am suffering from depression and have spoken to my doctor about it but even if I was given something to help with that I don’t know if I’ll ever be truly happy. I don’t even know if I want to be with my partner anymore. Anyone else ever feel like this? Am I the problem?

You’re not ‘the problem’, but what I think you are realising is that happiness can’t come from external things. You can have amazing circumstances but if your mind isn’t at peace or content there’s no way to be happy for long. It sounds like you have things to work on within yourself, which is good to recognise, because we all do. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. Would you see a therapist? Or even just some self help type stuff if that’s not for you? Just generally shifting the focus from trying to change everything ‘out there’ and look at what’s happening in your mind. Sending a hug

You weren’t ready for a new relationship. That’s why you feel guilt, make unfair comparisons between your ex and current partner and find fault with him constantly. Why would you feel happy, when you are still carrying unprocessed emotional baggage from your previous relationship …
End the relationship and invest in therapy for yourself.
Best of luck.

I wouldn't say you're the problem, but I strongly suspect that the solution lies with you. It seems as if you are measuring your happiness by other people's standards rather than your own.

It's perfectly normal to have a drink at the weekend. Why are you allowing your ex to decide what goes on in your life? What do you think is normal and acceptable?

You worry that you're not a good mom. How exactly are you measuring what a good mom is?

Why do you feel guilty on weekends away? What messages did you receive about motherhood that make you think this way?

It's also entirely possible that your partner isn't the one for you, and that's why you're finding fault.

It's interesting how much of your post revolves around your ex. Even though you've left it feels like he is still very central to your life - your perceptions of others, your perception of yourself, your standards for what's acceptable in your home.

Can you afford some helps with a good therapist to unpick why that is, and help you to reframe your thoughts so you can be free of him?

I was seeing a therapist once a month for a long time but I didn’t really get anything from it. I agree my ex takes up too much space in my head but I think it might be because of years of being judged by him on everything I did or didn’t do. I was made to feel like I wasn’t good enough and also in childhood I was always compared to cousins who were ‘good girls who did no wrong’
i am terrified of losing my kids to my ex as he has a really big close family compared to mine. My kids are very close with his side of the family and they were also a big part of my life. Not anymore obviously. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn. My head is bursting from finding problems here there and everywhere. I’m not sure if it’s something that happened in my childhood or if it’s from being in an emotionally fecked up marriage for so long

Sometimes unresolved emotions from childhood or past relationships only come up once you're in a place of safety, so I wouldn't be too keen to ditch the current relationship until you've properly worked on yourself with a therapist, as it could be that you're finally feeling safe enough to feel your feelings. I've been seeing one weekly for two years now to work on stuff from my childhood and the breakdown of a previous relationship and I couldn't have done it without my DH's support. OP, if you have the feeling you should be enjoying your life/relationship because the rational part of you sees that it's great but you're just feeling stuck in depression, therapy will help with that, but it will take time and regularity.

Unless he gets steaming drunk and abusive why would having a drink watching the match upset a 15 year old and a 22 year old?

It sounds to me that this isn’t the right relationship for you and maybe consider cutting him a break and ending it?

Only you can say what makes you happy ultimately.

No he doesn’t get like this at all. I suppose I’m afraid my DCs will think he’s bad because I can guarantee their father has planted that in their heads. He’s perfect and everyone else is a loser

I feel foolish even putting up this post as it feels like I’m attention seeking. Apologies if it comes across that way. I’m not attention seeking. In fact I hate attention. Just looking for a bit of advice and guidance I suppose

What strikes me is that there is a lot of perfectionism in your post and a lot of self imposed "rules": having a drink is bad, replaying conversations to pick holes in them, you have to be close to your family, divorce is a failure. If you were criticised a lot as a child or held to impossible standards this would make sense.

Was your ex also quite black and white? His "drinking is for losers" comment stood out (a more measured take would be "I don't like to drink, some people aren't good with alcohol, but most people can enjoy a drink occasionally without issue").

Did you work on trying to get yourself out of this pattern of thought in therapy? Medication might help you start it because perfectionism is often linked to anxiety: it's a desire for control.

How long ago was your divorce? Have you worked on building your own support network since? What do you do for yourself?

Why would it upset your children if your partner drinks? Unless he's abusive when drunk then I don't get it. Then guilt you feel about enjoying yourself is perhaps you feel they still need to be included in everything but even small children have parents that have the occasional night out without them.

There's no reason why you will lose your children. Your ex has done a real number on you. It doesn't mean what he said is true. If your dcs didn't want to be with you then they wouldn't be. They will already know or come to realise what their dad is like without you having to say. They pick up on more than you realise.

You're relying on your partner to make you happy. You need to be happy in yourself first.

I can understand how many years of having your confidence knocked by your ex is going to take a while to reverse because you will still do things having his voice in your head. It's almost like being institutionalised or being trained. That's not really the best way to describe it but I can't think of another way to get across what I mean. Maybe you need a therapist with a different approach/model to help you with this? It's not going to be an overnight fix. All of those years is going to take a while to unravel.
You can do though. Try a couple of therapists to see what the right fit is for you.

If you think antidepressants might help you temporarily then give them a try. You don't have to stay on them forever.

Ypu sound overwhelmed, overthinking everything and in need of some type of support.Get yourself strong mentally and everything else will fall into place.

Ideally you’d have seen someone more regularly than once a month, especially at the start.

You don't come across like that at all OP. Please don't add that to your list of worries.

You just sound overwhelmed.
As to your children, you can't second guess what they're thinking. They would probably be very surprised if you told them what you believe they might be thinking. It's probably so far away from that! Don't forget dcs of that age can be very self absorbed!

But it’s not just about the OP. She can’t use the man while she works on herself. That’s not fair and I can’t see how he can be happy.
She’ll be ok without a man.

Happiness comes from within. Find some joy in life, no matter what it is.

Sounds to me like you need psychotherapy rather than talking therapy. As in some deep rooted issues that need addressing . There is no way you can have stable and secure relationships with anyone if you are deeply unhappy yourself . You might need to adjust the way you have seen the world, or explore some trauma . It might be tough but it sounds like things are very tough anyway. You might have a touch of OCD or some other neurodivergence or maybe some trauma . I’m not trying to diagnose but rather say it sounds like potentially more than just talking is needed. I do think it sounds like you a catastrophising and overthinking and that must be so draining and stressful for you ( and for your loved ones) I hope you can access the right support. Sending love x

Ive come back to read your updates. It's because of your DC that you need to learn to let go of these self imposed rules - YOU get to decide how you live YOUR life. And your DC will see that. Then they'll know it's ok to decide how to live their lives in turn.

Yes I always feel in myself that I need more than talking to someone. I’ve often wished I could be hypnotized or something to see if there is some trauma that has made me like this. It is absolutely draining and I just can’t snap out of it no matter how hard I try

Have you tried any anti anxiety medication? You sound very anxious, and that’s manifesting itself as doubt about everything you do/choices you make. I felt that way and I did everything to try and fix it, counselling, changed roles, exercise etc. But in the end I just spoke to the GP for some extra help and it was a lifesaver.

That’s so tough. Please try and get some external help because it could make a real difference. Even a one hour introduction consultant with a psychologist could help. You don’t have to go through this alone x