Low contact and serious illness

[Laffydaffy]

I am low-contact with my family, who also live in another country. I generally only reply to WhatsApp messages with responses about the weather.

At the beginning of last year, one of my children started suffering from a serious neurological illness. The issues remain ongoing. DC has required months in hospital, extensive rehabilitation and remains mostly in a wheelchair. There is no clear diagnosis or prognosis.

My DH's parents and siblings are aware, mine are not. We have kept it that way because we do not want a visit from them, or any sort of advice or help. An example of why was when I, as a teen, lost my older, married adult sister to cancer and my parents got so over-involved and overrode anything she or her husband wanted to do with her treatment, and made her illness and death all about them, rather than about my sister being able to choose how and where she wanted to die. This is not the only reason for low contact, but is a good illustration of how they are as parents.

Today, they have discovered my DC's illness and attempted serious contact. My main concern is that they are now on their way here to "help". We live in a non-English speaking country that is over 24 hours plane-ride away. I have no doubt that they will at least be considering this. How do we handle my 80ish parents unexpectedly coming to visit? If it helps, I can say no in every way possible and they would still come. They do what they want and enjoy the drama so much.

Very sorry to hear about both your older sister and your child.

Look, you're low contact anyway, so what's the harm in being direct? Life is hard enough when you have a seriously ill child. You really can't afford to be wasting time or energy on people who create drama just for the sake of it.

You said you CAN say no, but have you actually said some variation of 'no, I do not want you to come. I do not need your help. If you arrive here without invitation, you will not be staying with us; nor will we see you'? If not, that's what I would do first, via WhatsApp, since that's your usual way of contact with them. I would then prepare myself and my family for the fact they may turn up on the doorstep and decide what you will do in that case. Personally, I'd ignore any knocking and, depending on how persistent they were (and how responsive police are), I'd either call the police if they refused to leave, or I'd actually take DC away on a spontaneous holiday (subject to them being well enough, of course), or book a local hotel or AirBnB and move into that for a month, until I felt it was safe to move back home.

If you feel the above is too harsh, I would still say you don't want them to come, have everything under control and don't need help and, if they show up uninvited, you will expect them to book and pay for their own accomodation. Then meet them out of the home (alone, without your DC) for a brief coffee once or twice and then leave them to make their own way home.