My son doesn’t get invited to Birthday parties

[LaraS2511]

My son is 12, he is yr 7 of secondary school. For as long as I can remember he hasn’t been invited to many parties, maybe a handful since he was a baby. He had a gaming party recently, 6 boys came. One of them told me it was also his Birthday & he was having a bowling/darts party, no invite in return. Equally the 6 boys that came to his Birthday also came last year & only one of them invited my son to his Birthday. He is lovely boy, not overly outgoing or confident, he isn’t sporty so we don’t see parents at clubs etc but I make the effort to always say hello & be polite. Just wish he would be invited & not left out!

Ah really sorry to hear that, do you invite kids around to your house to just hang out etc, does he go out much? I do think you have to sometimes be quite assertive and organise playdates, at your sons age it may just mean having a bunch of 12 yr olds gaming in his room etc at this age they usually sort themselves out right? Mines younger but at 12 I think kids just let you know where to drop them rather than parents being too involved. You may have to tell your son to ask a mate to come hang out.

Bless him. Does he mind? Have you spoken to his teacher about his social situation?

If he doesn't like sports clubs try something else, would he like drama, dance, singing, art, crafting, bush craft, type courses?

Also my DD wasn't sporty in traditional sports but liked learning to ice skate, rock climbing, kayaking and horse riding. Could your DS try those type of activities?

My son doesn't like parties so never had a party. Most of his friends are the same. Are they all having parties? Lots don't, especially in secondary school.

I don't think parties happen as they get older. My son is at the end of primary school and barely got invited to any. Most people at his school have always done things with limited numbers, there was never a whole class party. In the older years there is the tendency to invite one friend and go on a bigger day out.
How do you know the boy who said he was going bowling didn't actually mean that this was a family party? You are just assuming he invited others.
It sounds like you are the one who is bothered about this.

By that age mine were not having parties.

As a former secondary teacher, if a parent emailed me to say their child hadn't been invited to any parties I would think they were mad. I would honestly wonder what they wanted me to do with that information.
There is nothing to suggest this boy has no friends or is lonely, only that is mum is sad as he doesn't get invited to parties (which may not even happen!).

Parties drop off in secondary school IME. Dts are y10 now and there have only been a couple, now they just go out for lunch or dinner either their mates.

I really feel for you OP. This was my eldest son’s experience at primary school and followed him into secondary school.

Following on from other commenters, I’m wondering if your lovely son has noticed this. Does he have specific interests that could be met by going to activities outside of the school setting where he could meet like-minded peers?

It is incredibly hard as a mother to witness this as it brings up so many emotions.

Thinking of you both.

She didnt suggest OP emailed his teacher about parties, it was his social situation which his form tutor or another teacher may be able to give some insight about. Maybe there is an issue with friends or lack of in school or his socialising skills? There could be a wider issue that OP could help her son with.
Its pretty worrying that you were a secondary school teacher and that's how you interpreted the suggestion.

Nothing from the initial post suggests any of this though. Her concerns are that he isn't invited to parties. You have made an assumption he struggles socially, this is not mentioned at all.

He had 6 friends attend his own party, which at that age if they weren't interested in being his friend they wouldn't have turned up and would have declined the invite. As many others have pointed out it is unlikely that many parties are being held once at secondary school so this is all completely normal, and unless OP does come back to add that he comes home saying he had no friends/was sat alone at lunch, then I don't see anything concerning.

My DS gets invited to some but not all parties. I think its because he's less sporty so doesn't do as many group sports as the other DC. He does do an individual sport club too.

Is your DC upset by this?
I ask because while I notice this type of thing, it doesn't actually bother DS. He's content with his social life as is.

How is he apart from birthday parties OP? Does he have a group of friends to hang out with at school? Does he meet up with anyone outside school or game with them after school?

In secondary school birthday parties aren't a big deal, but friendship groups definitely are.

Forget the parties.
Does he have friends he sees socially outside of school?

I think at that age you need to let them get on with it, I tried to encourage a friendship with my son and another boy as I knew the mum but by the time he left primary school son was having none of it.

I meant more broadly his social situation, i.e. does he get on with all the kids in the class

Boys his age (and older) can be awful about social hierarchies based on sports stuff (being interested, playing the same old games a lot, talking about it endlessly. . . .). And looking down on the kids who don't actually want to talk about football. I think encouraging him in other interests/activities (which don't even have to be sports) where he can find his own tribe is a great idea.

I didn’t think parties were a thing in secondary schools my two sons have never been invited to any, one year 9 one year 7

This could be multiple children across classes. Having viewed different secondary schools in our local area they all seem to do it differently - some stick as a tutor group for everything, some stick as a tutor group for everything apart from maths and English which they set on ability and so on.

The tutor is not going to really know much about how the child is doing socially unless there are real stand out issues. In classes they will be expected to listen and complete the work that is set. Even sending out an email to all staff who teach this child is unlikely to raise concerns over their social times.
It's not like primary school where the tutor will see them at break times and watch their interactions.

In secondary school, they don’t really have birthday parties and when they do, they are much smaller than you’ve probably been made to believe. It’s more likely to just be a friend over for a sleepover or a movie or a dinner out.

My dd is 13. She’s very sociable, does a sport competitively, so had friends from school and sports and the village where we live. Since the start of secondary, she’s been to one birthday party. She didn’t even have one last year, despite telling everyone she was having a pool party because we couldn’t get it booked for the number she wanted. She’s been out for a birthday dinner with a friend’s family and that’s it.

It’s much more one to one or just doesn’t happen at all. I would just keep inviting friends around. They like going to others houses, so if you become the house that invites everyone, it will help him a lot with keeping those friendships going.

There are plenty of messages on here giving reference to the high cost of parties. It could well be that a lot of parents are making them family only now as even budgeting for food is a massive aspect to face.

You’re being condescending. Believe it or not I’ve had a child go through secondary school and have had conversations with their form tutor and other teachers about their social progress. This is very normal

I'm in a very similar position with my 12yo son.
He's started y7 with a few primary friends, but they've all found this wider circle now which he is involved in during school, but very much on the outskirts.
He's not as sporty as all of them, though he does play grassroots football with a couple of them.
They all want to go out whatever the weather on bikes /hanging around but that doesn't interest my son at all and now he's not in any WhatsApp groups etc with them and puts himself offline on his Playstation because he's not too bothered by all that stuff either.
He's starting to feel really lonely and left out and it's breaking my heart so I know how you feel. He does acknowledge that he is very different interests now to them, but I wish he would find some like minded friends soon 😩

Thank you,