Need some advise on how to deal with no contact parent

[Charboo]

Cut a long story short I have no contact/ low contact with my mum now as the final straw was boxing day when she purposely rang me and DH and sent a thread of a abusive messages to start a fight when we reacted like a human being she said we ruined her Christmas which was not the case, so therefore I don't speak to her she said she wanted us to leave her alone and not have any contact with our 4 children, her words was they can contact me when they're grown if they want to, however has continued to keep in contact with our eldest DD 15....because she had a shopping trip arranged in the new year which she went to.

She arranged another shopping trips where she spends a lot on her and takes her into designer shops which is nice for DD but doesn't bother with the rest. What really annoyed me is that she had messaged my DD saying she would like her to go on a shopping trip on the 28th Feb and she is booking the following day off as well to take her out for lunch, bare in mind this is my son's 6th birthday and he's having a little party I can't help but think this has been to put the dampers on things I know DD wasn't happy when DH said you can go with your GP on the 28th but said he expects her to be there on her little brother's birthday. I said to DH she may not want to go the party but can't help but feeling like my mother has purposely tried to cause trouble DH said he prefers it she doesn't bother with DD and she isn't bothered about the rest of the family.

She's not going no contact, is she? She will be pouring poison into your DDs ear about how awful you and DH are. I would be disinclined to allow DD to go out with her, but I know that's not easy.

she said we ruined her Christmas which was not the case

very dismissive of her claim you ruined her Christmas. Surely her interpretation of the impact in her Christmas is hers to make?

She didnt say you've ruined everyone's, she said hers. Surely a better response to that would be am sorry you feel that way; not "thats not the case"

It’s unclear if you want contact or not? Could you consider joint therapy if you do? If you don’t, just don’t react. Don’t get involved in anything she arranges with your eldest apart from setting family commitments down clearly for your DD…if she disregards them that’s a DD issue not DM.

It is far less toxic for children if they have a very low contact/no contact with relatives that play favourites.
I would try to draw back from everything connected with her, it gets easier with practice.

You’ve no idea what happened! My mother has screamed at me that I “ruined her Christmas” as well as other stuff because I made a fuss over my (at the time) two year old. Apparently buying him more gifts than her was a cruel slap in the face that I wasn’t prioritising her.
i would feel very comfortable disputing my role as Christmas ruiner and no apologising. I suspect OP may feel similarly. You have no clue what the OP did or didn’t do.

You have no clue what the OP did or didn’t do.

You're right, I have no idea what happened; aside from the words included in OP's post. I'd also remind you, neither do you, you're projecting, your situation isnt the baseline for every parent/child situation.

My point is about minimising others impact when they state it. They define their impact; not you.

Your daughter is 15… if she wants to spend time with her grandma then it’s not really fair of you to sabotage that just because you have decided that you don’t want any contact .

This!

It’s very tricky because your dd is on the verge of being able to make her own decisions.

But I think I would take your daughter for a one to one chat and be very frank about the things that have happened and how manipulative her granny is being. You don’t have control over a 15 year olds social relationships the way you would a 10 year old, but I think your best bet is to lean heavily on her conscience and sense of right and wrong and hope she can make her own decisions for herself.

I will say that this sort of thing does personally fill me with dread. My dc were 7 and 2 when I went NC with my mum. Eldest is now 13 and my mum has no way of contacting her, doesn’t even know where we live. But splashing the cash as a manipulative tactic is exactly how she rolls. For a time, she was sending friends of mine bank transfers to keep them sweet. 🙄 But I sat my dd down when she was old enough and explained in a still child appropriate way why we no longer had a relationship with granny and she got it. Her response was, “that’s wrong, she is supposed to be kinder to us.”

It helped her accept it and move on because she got why we were doing what we were doing. Hopefully your dd will want to protect the littler ones and also you. I do think you need to have it as an ongoing conversation and keep the communication open so she can come back to you with questions or worries.

She isn’t trying to sabotage it, she’s suggesting that a priority for her DD ought to be her own sibling’s birthday.

It DD refuses to come that’s a different matter - but so far it seems GP wants to deliberate create friction by asking her to go shopping on the same day

This could be my life apart from my DC are grown up.
My mother sent me abusive messages on New Years Day because my husband booked a restaurant at for my birthday 3 days later and she was t invited.
ive had none stop abuse since up until 2 weeks ago and now we are both no contact.
YANBU she knows what she’s doing your Mother !