Husband says he doesn’t like me planning things on his days off

[anonymous51937171724]

Bit of a back story partner gets two days off a week and when something needs done that will take two of us I usually plan it on his days off so we both can go.
this being going furniture shopping, painting or building stuff, or I ask him to go a tip run these don’t happen often.
also going for meals or a date I plan for his days off as they are also my days off too.

feel like it’s at the point I don’t even want to ask him if we can do these stuff on his days off as he says that they are his time he should be deciding that he does, which I get but somethings do need the two of us to do.
feeling like it’s an inconvenience asking him.
i also have said in past to him I won’t bother asking him to do anything and will just do it all myself but think why should i

Do you plan these things before speaking to him about doing them?

I speak to him first about them and plan in advance

Do you also work? Do you drive? The way you’ve worked it is that you plan thing and then let him no, rather than it being a conversation, for example at dinner saying ‘I’d like to go furniture shopping this weekend, what do you think’.

I think it's a bit annoying to always plan his days off. Would you like your days off planned by him?

I get some things need to be done together but you also both need to do your own thing sometimes.

You shouldn't. But you need a partner who wants to do those things with you. This one doesn't and he won't change.

He has said to you that he wants to decide what he does with HIS time on days when you're both free to spend time together. Listen closely to him.

But these things happen very little through out the year maybe once house side of things and dates/meals only couple times a year as don’t get much childcare when it comes to dates so like to have them when we can

Is he getting a chance to do his own stuff as well? If someone was filling my days off with tasks, I'd probably be annoyed too

Depends what you’re planning. I’d not be happy if DH planned stuff without talking with me about it first…especially if it’s on my day/s off. How many days off do you have? Are you planning things for him to do that you honestly can’t do yourself?

If its only a few times a year then why on earth is he getting annoyed?

Yeah he does, all week before work as works later in day plus 90% of his days off just the times I ask it’s his free time but when these things are needed with us both I do ask in advance to plan ext

It sounds like you are controlling his free time and telling him what he’s to do. Where is his input and contribution to this? Does he dictate how you spend your time off work?

Do you work full time? Are these things you can do yourself?

Planning his days off and having a discussion about what needs doing and when you two might be able to do it together, are two very different things.

So which is it?

The latter is a perfectly normal discussion, the former is quite controlling.

When these jobs pop up tell him, XYZ needs doing by XX date, I am free on ABC days let me know which ones suit you best, it will take both of us to sort it out

Tell
him it’s called adulting and to give his head a wobble.

if he doesn’t want to do life stuff on his days off maybe you should stop doing it aswell

nonwashing shopping cooking tidying etc and see how long it lasts

I think if it’s a few times and it’s shared household stuff then he shouldn’t complain. Initially it sounded like you have a schedule for him on all his days off, which would be unreasonable and controlling, but as you’ve confirmed this isn’t the case then he needs to help

Leave planning to him for a month. Step back.. When nowt gets done he might see why..

Usual to discuss joint things first. Imagine if he gave you a diary of what you would be doing without talking to you first ?
He is not a mind reader. Unless you talk and agree ahead, in his mind he might be thinking ‘oh I could do that on ….day’. Only to find you have organised what he is doing instead.

I don’t plan his days off, we plan in advance about things that need doing, which these don’t happen very often but he still says it’s his free time but when we both have free time to do these stuff that’s when we plan, it’s when we are actually doing these stuff he keeps reminding me that this is his free time and he should get to chose how to spend it even though we have both planned to do these together well in advance

Tell him, it's completely normal and expected that adults plan to do these jobs in their free time, he can hire someone to do it or do it himself.
How else does he expect them to get done? Let me guess you and you alone?

Fuck him.

When you're doing the things you've discussed, agreed, and he says, "This is my free time, " do you say, "Yes, it's my free time as well. But we agreed this tip run/ painting needed doing, so that's why we're both doing it in our free time!"?

I’ve been married for 32 years. It’s always giving and taking in any relationship. My husband does a lot for me, I do a lot for him. Probably there are a lot of days where we don’t want to do the other persons “thing” but that’s comprise.
my husband has always worked shifts and days/weeks at a time where he can be away from home. I’m desperate for him to come home and help out, he’s desperate to get home for a rest. The only way we get through this is conversation and comprise.

if I were you I’d set aside some time at the beginning of the month and talk about what needs to be achieved, what you need to get done, what he needs to get done etc. I think the best possible outcome would be if you could come up with a schedule …he needs rest, gym, gaming time whatever on that day/morning/afternoon ….and then he does x with you on the following day/week/afternoon/morning etc. I think if he realises he’s got some time coming up ahead of time, he might not feel so “enclosed” by doing all these things on the hop.

today as an example my husband and I have cleaned the house, been to next for a delivery and have a coffee. My husband’s afternoon has been totally free to watch the football, go to the gym and do some work. It’s got to be give and take. Of course whilst I was at next, I was desperate to walk round the other shops lol, of course I wanted him to come home and finish the painting in the bathroom but I recognise they’re all the things I want. And he stuff he wants to do too. I’ve already told my husband I want to go to blue water next weekend. We’ve compromised on what time to go so he gets to do his bits too.

It would piss me off tbh. I worked Monday to Friday for 35 years. If my DH kept planning things I’d tell him to fuck off.

Can you get certain jobs done during the week in the evening? Go out for dinner Monday - Thursday. Free up weekends.

I think we need to know your work situation, how much time you have off, how many children, before we can accurately comment.