To feel sorry for neighbour?

[fionnmaaaa]

So my neighbour has made herself a few enemies on the estate where we live.

She would make the effort to talk to everyone and seemed lovely.
Over time it became apparent that she was talking about other neighbours behind their backs etc.

She seems to be up in everyone's business.
For example when one neighbour had a gardener come and do some work, she came out and questioned who he was etc.

She did the same when another neighbour was having some patio slabs delivered, came out to have a nose and ask what was going on etc.

My next door neighbour dosent like her at all, and she makes a point of actively avoiding her if she see's her and has told her child to not engage with her either.

I also maintain a distance from her as I find her intrusive and nosy, and I just say hello and that's it as I learnt any info that is disclosed will go around the whole estate.

I saw her today as she was taking her little one out and she approached me quite upset.
She mentioned her LO was at nursery now, she was working part time and how she had noticed an unpleasant atmosphere on the estate and if I knew anything about it.

Certain neighbours have addressed it to me that she is nosy and stirs but I have always shut them down as I don't want to get involved in neighbourhood politics.

I told her I keep myself to myself (which I try and do, but will help if needed) and she looked a bit down.

I feel abit sorry for her and was considering if I should perhaps be more friendly to her as she is a single parent.

AIBU?

Why do you feel sorry for someone who is nosey, gossips and inserts themselves into other people's business? If there's an atmosphere or other neighbours don't wish to engage with her then it sounds like it's of her own making.

@Spoodles Yeah I hear that your saying and I agree but she just seemed very down today and when I used to engage with her she did say she got very lonely and how hard it was being a single mum.

I obviously can’t say with certainty what your neighbours like, but I do know toxic people. And playing the victim when no one is paying attention to them is text book.

She's not lonely though, it sounds like she's just looking for some attention because all the others have stopped giving her drama any oxygen.

She only has herself to blame...🤷‍♀️

One person's nosey is another person's 'showing a neighbourly interest'. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt if she's a bit lonely. But I'd also nudge her to find social things in your local area too.

In all honesty OP, I don't think offering friendship to this woman would work in your favour, as from what you've told us, you would have to watch every word that you said to her, for fear of it being spread amongst your neighbours, and perhaps even twisted, or altered to suit her agenda.

I think that possibly the only thing you can do, if you want to help her, is tell her the truth, ie., that people avoid her because she's nosy, and has a tendency to talk about other's behind their backs. Maybe no one has ever taught her that this is no way to make friends with people, so a virtual stranger telling her the truth as you see it, may just make her look at herself, and change her ways, which she clearly needs to do, if she's going to make friends and keep them.

I wouldn’t get involved at all. I have always just been polite and superficially friendly but never tell anyone anything. Much easier in the long run.

I would feel abit uncomfortable telling her about her intrusiveness etc to be honest as I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings.

I think it's probably best that I continue to keep my distance but still say hello when I see her.

Its all very cliquey round here with the mums and their appears to be a lot of fallings out etc, I just tend to keep out of all of it.

I do understand your reluctance to tell her that she's nosy OP, but if no one tells her, then she's always going to end up being disliked, and will never gain REAL friends. You said that you wanted to help her, and while it may hurt her feelings in the short term, in the longer term I think you'd be doing her a big favour, and you could tell her gently, rather than saying 'well, if you weren't so nosy, and didn't talk about people behind their backs, then they'd be more likely to be friendly'. However you could say, something along the lines of, 'while I don't want to hurt your feelings Sue, I have heard people say that they've become aware of you talking about them behind their back, and it hasn't really gone down well. Personally, I find it's better to listen to what people tell you, but to never repeat it, as that way, people are more comfortable telling you things, as they know that they can trust you not to pass it on to others'. 'Also, I've noticed that you do tend to ask rather intrusive questions, about things like what people are having done in their gardens/houses, etc. and people don't always feel that they want to share this information if they don't know you very well, and so that puts them on the back foot, and makes them feel awkward around you'. If she denies it all and doesn't want to listen, well then it's her choice, but she may just go home and think about what you've said, and realise that if she wants to make friends locally, she needs to be a bit more circumspect in the things she says and does.

On the other hand, you could say 'I wouldn't worry too much about making friends around here, as the other Mums do tend to be a bit cliquey, so you might find it's better to just keep your distance, like I prefer to do'.

Absolutely keep clear. Grey rocking was made for people like her.

I'd avoid. You'll be the next person she upsets if you start being friendly with her.

This is it, basically. She may not deliberately intend to cause harm, but that's exactly what she does. You can't treat other people's private lives as your free source of gossip and entertainment and expect them to keep on sharing and speaking to you. Does she never watch TV, listen to the radio or go online, so that she can learn more about national news that isn't intended to be private - and discuss that with people?

Did she really see a big lorry delivering patio slabs to a house on the street and then go over to ask what they were having done?! Even if it wasn't surely extremely obvious, it's hardly the most thrilling piece of juicy news for an unconnected person to learn, is it? Boring as well as nosey and gossipy.

I think you're either going to have to tell her straight that not everything that goes in your ears has to come straight back out of your mouth; or keep on ignoring and avoiding her, any more than a quick comment on the weather. Beating around the bush is just going to confuse and upset her far more in the long run.

We reap what we sow. Let her fight her own battles. If you can stir the pot you have to be able to at least take a taste of your concoction.

Trouble is with people like this they are usually lonely for a reason and if you do end up befriending her you’ll probably be the next one being gossiped about.

Asking nosy questions about what your neighbour is doing can come back to bite you in the bum.

I used to have a very nosy neighbour who would stick her snoot over the fence to see what was going on. One time I employed a gardener to lay a new patio. He had the usual caustic Liverpool sense of humour. When he had taken up the old flags and was preparing the foundations for the new one she demanded to know what he was doing. I heard him say "Im digging a grave for nosy neighbours and then laying a patio on top." She very quickly retreated to the house. We had a good laugh about it and I daresay she overheard him refer to her as a "nosy old bat".

At first she appeared very friendly and chatty but over time she began asking who was visiting us, what she had seen being delivered to our house, and asking me about my family, moaning about the neighbours kids and a trampoline.

It me feel very uncomfortable so I just began just shutting the convo down to "I will let you get on" every time she tried to initiate a convo but I still said hello.

There's one of these where I live. I avoid like the plague but that doesn't stop the nosiness and being into everyone's business.

It's not your place to tell her what her 'faults' are and it's a sure way to entangle yourself in gossip and put yourself in an awkward position, probably involving resentment or at the least mixed feelings towards you.

As she hasn't asked your opinion of her personality or character it would be prudent to assume that she might not be open to hearing it and would not thank you for giving it.

As she hasn't asked your opinion of her personality or character it would be prudent to assume that she might not be open to hearing it and would not thank you for giving it.

This is true; but the issue she's asking about IS wholly caused by her personality and character. It's not like people are avoiding her because they don't like the colour of her front door. It's the elephant in the room, whether she realises/wants to hear it or not.

I do agree that whoever tells her the truth, however kindly, will likely find themselves the subject of her next gossip, with what they said massively misrepresented. Then again, if she can't get anybody to speak to her to give her new material for gossip, who is she talking to to spread it?!

Tbh I’d stay out of it. I’ve learnt the hard way where my kindness has been taken wrongly and I’ve found myself in all sorts of other people’s drama. I consciously avoid any drama and it’s a much more practical and peaceful life. Sure it’s hard to see a single mum down and on her own but that can’t become your responsibility. If she is like this with drama, bad mouthing, nosiness etc, you’ll just be dragged into it eventually

I used to have a friend like your neighbour, she was always up in everyone's business and causing issues. She moved to get away from her next door neighbour after they had a spectacular falling out that ended up with police involvement. I told her to keep herself to herself at the new place but she just couldn't help herself and the cycle started all over again. We are no longer in contact because I really didn't want to get involved in her drama and she was annoyed that I didn't "have her back." I've learned to be very wary of getting friendly with people who are far too involved in the lives of people they barely know.

I avoid neighbours like the plague. No good has ever come of getting involved in their psychodramas.

You sound like a nice person OP, but I’d give this one a wide berth.
You’ve done the right thing by keeping a polite distance so far. It would be really difficult to extricate yourself from a potential friendship with her. So carry on as before.

I find the best thing to do with neighbours is avoid. We had a new one move in next door in I think it was October last year. Never once met him and wouldn’t know what he looked like if I walked past him in the street.

To me they are just people that live in houses in the street, nothing more.

So she only got a parcel delivered to my house today, delivery man banging on the door like he is the police and waking me and my baby up when we are both not very well.

I am so annoyed by this, so cheeky.
I will defo be keeping my distance after his.