Wedding Role

[TheHazelDog]

I'm the only sibling of the bride. I have been told I am not a bridesmaid but am in the wedding party. This involves me walking down the aisle with my mum, giving the only reading, and signing the wedding register. I have been asked to wear a coordinating colour to the bridesmaids, but need to pay for my own dress, hair & makeup.
There are 3 bridesmaids, all her friends.
She is having my parents and her bridesmaids get ready with her on the day of the wedding. I'm not invited. I have been told to meet her outside the church.
I asked to go dress shopping with her just once and again was told no, there's not space for me.
I am so offended by the whole situation but she thinks I'm overreacting, and says that it is clear how important I am to her.
This wedding is a long way from home, and will be expensive to attend, especially as I feel I will spend the day miserable. I am considering not going.
So am I being unreasonable to be upset I'm not a bridesmaid? I'd really appreciate the views of some strangers, thank you in advance.

You are being unreasonable. Stop trying to make the day about you.

Look at it this way, you get to chose your dress and look good. Life is too short. Do you really want to fall out with your sister? Worse happened to me over a family wedding but I kept quiet, went along with it and we are all still friends. I assume you aren’t 8 years old.

I think that's really weird and I'd be offended too.do you get on well usually?

Accompanying your DM and doing a reading are probably more 'important' duties than the ones of a bridesmaid. I think not being prepared to shop with you, when she has laid down a dress code, is a bit strange. At least you can choose your own outfit that suits you and can be worn again. She isn't going to see it until it's to late for her to complain.

She sounds controlling. Control is, ultimately, about fear. So my question is - is she generally controlling and fearful, or is this coming out specifically in relation to the wedding? If it's just the wedding, is she unsure of getting married, is that possible? Or is she just fearful about the day, how it's all going to 'look' to others?
I can't think why she'd exclude you from the getting ready, that's the bit that seems really OTT to me. Is there sibling rivalry?
I'm not surprised you're hurt but if you can just rise above it that's good in the long term I guess.

It’s not offensive that you are not a bridesmaid. She chose her friends and that’s up to her. She’s included you in the wedding because you are important to her/family.

The fact that she doesn’t want you at the getting ready/shopping suggests either the two of you are not close generally or that you would spoil it in some way. If you want to you can reflect and acknowledge if either of these things are true. Do the two of you see each other regularly/ stay in touch outside of family gatherings? Are you involved in each others lives?
The fact that you are making her wedding about you instead of being generous and happy for her may be a reason.

I’d be happy with the role, but hurt that I was being excluded from the morning with the rest of the wedding party, that seems unkind of her considering she’s including your parents so it isn’t just about a cosy pre-wedding session of getting ready with her best friends.

Are you close with your sister? Would you usually socialise with her and want to get involved with her friends doing all the various dress fittings, meeting up with them to plan bridesmaid arrangements and the hen do etc? Would you usually be awkward in those sorts of situations?

She’s unreasonable to insist you coordinate with the bridesmaids’ dresses.

You are unreasonable to be upset you’re not a bridesmaid.

especially as I feel I will spend the day miserable.

Why would you spend the day being miserable?
For that, YABU.

I don't think it is unreasonable to feel sad not to be invited to be a bridesmaid if you are close to your sister. I would have been sad. But it does seem that she has thought of ways to include you as part of the ceremony.

I do think YWBU to go and have a face like a slapped arse. If you aren't going to celebrate a lovely day with your family, then don't go.

It doesn't really sound like you are that close. Do you agree?

How often do you go out/get together just the two of you?

Wait what so her only sister isn’t a bridesmaid?!!!
that’s not cool

Do you like the colour of the bridesmaids dresses? I think you are in your rights to pick whatever style and colour you want.

You’ve got a massive role in her wedding. Stop being a guestzilla.

If it makes you feel that unhappy don't go. I personally would not colour co ordinate like she asked if she is not paying.
If its expensive for you to go, and you feel resentful, stay away. It will do neither of you any good.
What does your Mother feel about this?

Gosh I had similar.

I knew she wouldn't want me to be a bridesmaid so I said that I would probably be too busy looking after the kids to be able to help much (had just had a baby - literally weeks old).

She asked me to do a reading and i thought that was nice.

We were relegated to the end of table/ back but only people in a child free wedding so thought nothing of it.

We were never given wedding party flowers but I assumed that was a mistake.

Tbh I thought the whole thing was nice and was happy with it.

But then I kept having people come up to me and say ‘are you happy with your level of involvement in this wedding’ - which is just bizarre frankly considering this is a bunch of 30yos drinking. Whos thinking about that whilst partying drunk in a wedding.

And then on the last night (weekend wedding) we were leaving and I saw the wedding orders. I hadn’t seen them because I was reading at the time. And on the back the wedding party and roles were listed - no mention of me. Just my toddler son’s name.

So it clearly was a thing.

Very strange behaviour tbh. You cant say anything OP. You just have to grin and smile and let her show you who she is and you can take that into account going forward.

The issue here is excluding you from getting dressed with them all. That feels like a sideline and then she knows you are travelling/waiting alone. You’re accompanying your mum but can’t get dressed with her? What’s happening with the hen.
Are you not close at all?

She's being mean. Pretend you're going along with her and wear what you like, do the reading, blah blah and go and have a great time at the wedding.
There's no way I'd treat my sister like this or she me.

Its definitely unusual that she is having your parents but you aren't allowed to get ready, I do understand you feeling a bit left out, but I think it's really really unreasonable to not go at all.

You’re not only being unreasonable, you’re being mad. Your sister has created a distinctive role for you in her wedding where you will not only be involved, but actually have a voice - will you be the only family member/friend actually speaking during the ceremony? That’s special. It’s distinct from the bridesmaids. She has deliberately thought about what role you play that makes you stand out from her gang of mates.

She will already be upset that what she has tried to do has landed so badly and that your feelings are so different from what she expected. If you let this ruin it for you, you will ruin her wedding for her.

I can understand why you are upset. The role you have been given is a strange one. Obviously it's fine not to have you as a bridesmaid but its like she has felt she had to create a role for you but doesn't want you involved in the key parts. You aren't really part of the Bridal Party if you are excluded from these things.

I would say to her that in that case you will just attend as a normal guest.

I feel I will spend the day miserable

Really? If you are going to have that attitude, and turn up with a face on you ruining her day, do her a favour and don’t go.
I think your involvement sounds way bigger than being a bridesmaid. You’re doing a reading and walking DGM down the aisle. I can even understand her wanting a girls dress shopping day with her closest friends.
How old are you both, and how long have you lived some distance away?
Do you see/chat with each other regularly?

My sibling ran off to Gretna, although I knew her plans. I’ve never been a bridesmaid ever. Was I touch sad? Sure, but I was more thrilled she got married and had the wedding she wanted so never gave it more than a seconds thought.