How to be more assertive

[Ladyoftheapple]

I know this probably sounds ridiculous but I have now found myself in charge at work and have been told I’m too nice and need to work on being more assertive. I have been a people pleaser my whole life, I know this. If I’m in a room full of people talking, I will mute myself even if I know I have the right answer/good opinions. I have always tried to shy into the background but I need people to not walk all over me. I’ve always found the rude and outspoken people always get what they want in terms of leave/shifts etc. Please give me your tips, where do i start, thankyou

'A Woman in Your Own Right': Anne Dickson.
💐

Definitely this book.Practice saying NO in front of a mirror.

Use copilot to make your email more assertive

@staceyflack thankyou, I’ve just ordered it

Look at your post — you’re assuming that ‘outspoken’ and ‘rude’ are the same thing, and that the way you are is better. Start by changing that, and by acknowledging that people-pleasing is an attempt to manipulate what people think of you, and not good nature or kindness.

Practice.

Saying yes isn’t always the right thing to do.

Being “nice” isn’t the same as being a doormat.

Adults should be able to deal with conflict effectively.

Being quiet doesn't make you a better person than other people.

Being a “people pleaser” doesn't actually make you more likeable. Particularly in a professional capacity.

When people say “too nice” they usually mean weak and ineffective.

Practice make perfect, there are all skills you can learn. Observe leaders you respect and watch what they do - what can you adapt to your own role.

Good post.

@LaundryScales thankyou for this. I think my problem is I constantly worry what people think of me and I don’t think this is ever something I switch off from in the day to day. I am easily offended and take things personally, even though your reply is very helpful, the fact you’ve said it’s more likely I’m weak and ineffective rather than too nice has already made me feel pretty rubbish 🙈

Think about what you want from people, and what you need to happen before you open your mouth. If you are in charge, people will wait for you to speak, so take your time to consider your words.

Practise an attentive poker face. This means 'don't smile when you don't mean it', not 'be unfriendly'. To this end, encourage laughter in your team. Be suspicious of, but collegial with, HR. Be honest about everything.

Remember, most of all, that leadership isn't the same thing as management. Anyone can be a leader of something in your team, and your role as a manager is to help them to do this.

Agree with this
People pleasing is self validation of... aren't I a lovely person..

Excellent post

In a management role the most important thing is the be seen to be fair to the whole team.
So follow procedure for everything and if you are able to use your discretion ( eg.allowing 2 people to take holiday at the same time), make sure that you do that fairly, too.
Don't allow the loud voices to be get everything their own way - and yes work with HR, it's their job to keep you straight.

@GinaandGini agree and i think I’ve always been this way. I am very introverted, I find social interaction exhausting and I don’t think I’ve ever been my true self. I’m always wary of others as well as their judgement and this is something that is always on my mind during interactions. I think the way I interact is also dependant on who I am talking to, I think I adjust my opinions/expressions to match theirs I just basically need to change my whole self 😬 and it’s so ingrained that I don’t even know how.

That’s an interesting response. Someone went to the trouble to give you advice that treated you as an adult and a professional who has work to do on a bad habit which is incompatible with your new role, advice that you acknowledge is helpful, yet you follow your thanks by telling them that they’ve made you ‘feel rubbish’.

You’re trying to make someone who doesn’t think your people -pleasing is ‘nice’ feel bad because they’re not recognising your niceness.

Yes, @LaundryScales is right. People in your workplace, particularly whoever appointed you as manager, do see your people-pleasing behaviour as weak and ineffective, because it’s preventing you from doing your job effectively, and because it’s manipulative. You’re trying to make people like you by being shy and quiet, because you think that’s likeable. But your job involves managing them. You can’t do that by staying silent and making big eyes. Read @LaundryScales post again. It’s good.

It’s not your ‘whole self’, @Ladyoftheapple — it’s a bad habit you’ve fallen into, but which you can, with effort, eradicate.

One of the things our local NHS talking therapy service can help with is assertiveness, might be worth looking to see if you have something similar? We can self refer.

@BigKissByeBye but I’ve always been “shy and quiet”. I don’t think I’m doing that to intentionally manipulate people, I think that’s just my personality.

Really? Shy and/or quiet doesn’t mean that you can’t be assertive.

Do you think you lack self-awareness? You say you’re a people pleaser but that can actually be a subtle form of manipulation.

Google says people pleasing is manipulative when it’s done to control others' perceptions, gain approval, avoid conflict, or get something in return rather than out of genuine kindness. People pleasing can involve changing oneself to secure a desired outcome, often stemming from fear, past trauma, or a need for validation, and can be dishonest because it hides true feelings. While some people-pleasing comes from a desire to be helpful, the manipulative aspect arises when actions are conditional and designed to manage relationships for personal gain, even if unintentional.

How People-Pleasing Becomes Manipulative

Conditional Actions:
You do things not because you want to, but to receive love, approval, or inclusion in return, making your "niceness" transactional.

Controlling Perceptions:
You alter your behavior and hide your true opinions to control how others see you, often to avoid rejection or ensure they like you.

Inauthentic Behavior:
Agreeing to things you don't want or staying silent when you disagree is a form of dishonesty, as you're presenting a false version of yourself.

Underlying Motives:
The goal isn't just to help, but to manage the other person's reaction, creating a sense of control over the relationship's outcome.

But your PP suggests otherwise. You don’t say you’re shy and quiet, you say that you intentionally mute yourself, people-please chronically, and seem frustrated that the ‘rude and outspoken’ (which you seem to see as the same thing?) get their choice of shifts and holidays, while you don’t?

You absolutely don't have to change your whole self. And I’m sure you are nice.

And you can be both nice and quiet and a good leader.

But you can’t be a people pleaser and be a good leader.

You can’t shift your opinions dependent on who you are speaking to and be a good leader.

Leaders need to lead. And you can’t do that without have the courage of your own convictions.

You don’t have to be an extrovert, or loud, or mean. But you have to be sure about what you think, maintain good boundaries and set clear expectations for your staff. You also have to treat your staff fairly and equally.

If you are a new leader then no one expects you to be perfect at it straightaway- like most things it takes hard work and practice. But you can’t just throw up your hands and say “you are making me feel rubbish” anytime you get a bit of feedback - if you can’t take feedback or constructive criticism how will you learn or grow?

More to the point, as a leader you need to give feedback and constructive criticism to your team. The best and most effective teams operate 360 degree feedback loops so you will really need to learn.

Re-read your response to me, you asked for help and I spent my time offering some. You thanked me for it but you also tried to shut me down and make me feel guilty for giving it.

That’s not an effective strategy for personal development. It won’t work for your team or your boss.

“I’m too nice and sensitive to be asked to do things that make me uncomfortable” won’t help either. Learning new skills requires hard work and is often uncomfortable- that’s why you need to practice.

You need to take some ownership and responsibility. You said “somehow I have found myself in charge”. Somehow? Presumably you applied for the role, or at least accepted it when offered? Your boss gave you the role so has faith you can handle it. But to need to own it.

People don’t follow leaders because they like them, they follow them because they respect them.

Once you’ve earned the respect then they’ll like you. Sadly it doesn’t work the other way round. No one respects a doormat.

Do you think you’re ready for a management role?

What qualities about yourself do you think you have that will make you a great manager/leader?

It sounds like your confidence is rock bottom.

You need to be confident when in charge of anything. Start working on your confidence. You absolutely cannot be a people pleaser or a pushover. If you can’t unlearn these traits then maybe the role isn’t for you.

I think you’ve had a bit of a roasting here (surprise surprise!) There’s some ‘pull yourself together’ vibes going on.As usual people using a hammer to crack a nut 😄

Whilst yes, people pleasing is perhaps a form of manipulation (not consciously), it’s not the character flaw posters imply it is. People have overlooked that it comes from a place of fear. So admonishing yourself for doing it just isn’t helpful. I think if you only try to eliminate what you don’t like rather than practising helpful actions, it’ll just reinforce (to yourself) how ‘wrong’ you are. And you’re not wrong-you’ve developed a strategy to protect yourself, it’s perfectly rational but it’s not really serving you. So please don’t make this about what you’re doing wrong, try and practise a mindset of ‘how can I help myself from now on?’ There’s just zero point in beating yourself up. All the most
positive change I experienced when I stopped doing that.

if it were me, I’d just start by trying to notice whenever I do it, without judgement where possible. You will fail at that bit and that’s ok-but practise is the key. If you find you agree with someone for the sake of it but don’t say so in the moment, you could follow up with ‘actually I gave this Some more thought and I don’t agree and here’s why’. This might feel disproportionately terrifying because you’re not used to it (you could try this with someone less intimidating to start with).

What this all does is create a positive feedback loop so each time you push back, it teaches your brain that it’s safe to do so.

I really wish you the best of luck. You can do it and you might not recognise yourself in a year!

I was a people pleaser, for many years. I CRINGE when I think how I would act or what I would say to make people think I was on their side, or agree with me, and also what I wouldn’t say, so I didn’t stick up for myself and I wouldn’t give my opinion as I was too scared to. As a result I was walked over for years, and was not respected by my bosses (who were absolute bitches, loads put in complaints about them, but I didn’t- too scared). Now and again, I still think about the hurtful things they said to me, 10 years on.
Ive turned it all around in the last few years, lots of working on myself, Let Them by Mel Robbins helped loads, as did other podcasts, also age (45). You simply shouldn’t care what people think, so much easier said than done. I’d love to go back and do it all again and be the me I am now. Point is, you dont want to look back in a few years and cringe like I do. A lot is also fake it till you make it. As someone said above, practice saying no. The first few times are hard, then it becomes easy, then it becomes totally normal and you’ll find people will respect you massively for it.

@Ladyoftheapple years ago I started in a leadership role after a new business took over. I had the same personality traits as you describe. I lasted five years, but I ended up leaving because it was hell. It wasn't them, it was me. I just didn't have the tools to communicate honestly and effectively with people.

I wouldn't have agreed at the time, but over the years I've had time to reflect: people pleasing is manipulative, people recognise it for what it is, and it's guaranteed to lose you respect, in all aspects of life.

@BetteDavisChinhave you managed to change these traits since then?